What is Socially (Network) Acceptable

I apologize for slacking on my posts, my dear readers. I broke a router (again) so I was without Internet access at home for the weekend. And that got me thinking about how connected we all are. I'm not just talking metaphorically. I'm talking about technologically! You can't go into a restaurant now without seeing couples looking at their phones and not each other. Whenever there are doubts in a conversation, there is always one person (me) who goes "LET'S GOOGLE IT!"

But is it acceptable for you to befriend or follow the one you're dating on a social network site?

I thought about this because I don't know about you, but I like a little bit of mystery when it comes to dating and relationships. I don't always care what you had for dinner. I don't always care where you checked in. I fear the day my significant other comes home and when I ask how his day was, the response I get is "didn't you check my status updates?"

I've experienced social network dating in many ways. One of my exes didn't have any social network profiles until after we broke up. Imagine what he tried to dig for, amiright? I confirmed that was the only reason he even made any profile! One of my other exes and I followed each other on a different site after we started our relationship. I didn't always emotionally unload, so it wasn't a terrible idea....until I saw his passive agressive behavior after we broke up. And now me and the guy I am currently seeing have been friends on Facebook. Don't you go digging, those who know me! This time we were "friends" before we starting going out on dates. Don't worry. I don't link this blog to my personal profile. Boy would that be the ego boost of the century!

As with many things, I guess friending or following your significant other being acceptable is a matter of perspective. I know plenty of people in healthy relationships who are on Facebook together or read each others Tweets. They have found the balance between general normal human interaction through face-to-face conversation (imagine that concept) and being plugged in and connected to the rest of the world. I also know that some couples are at an advantage with this. Just from general observation, women tend to be social network chatterboxes as compared to men. Therefore, I rarely see in-network fighting or nauseating lovey-doviness on my news feed. So thank you my friends and followers alike!

The goods news, I've found, is that most couples don't seem to be in super sleuth mode. Each person has their own reason for being on networking sites, and it doesn't always have to be because they're dating each other and it's common sense to do befriend each other. Last decade's "it's not official till your know each other's coffee order" is this decade's "it's not official till it's on Facebook!" I know it's a stretch, but work with me here! It sincerely gives me hope that a lot of couples have found this balance.

So what's my advice if you're dating someone new and a friend or follower request pops in your email? Proceed with caution. If you've had previous history together, you may be allright, especially if you guys already have mutual friends. If you're new to each other, with no common friends, tread cautiously. Will you be jealous of the prettier people on the profile? Are you the only ones in each other's lives? Are the posts a bit telling? These are legitimate concerns when befriending someone new, let alone a new potential love interest!

Remember that while it's so easy to stay connected to the rest of the world behind a computer, it's difficult to find a real human connection with someone. So when you find it, keep it as long as you can. Getting tied up in wires in a fickle network has the potential to bring out the real ugly humanity in people. You don't need Google to tell you that.

You have to wonder if they had a good time with each other...and if they're talking to each other about it

Time, Why you Punish me?

You read correctly. That is a reference to a Hootie and the Blowish song. Once again, I had a conversation about dating and relationships last night with my best friend. This got me thinking about timing and how it, much like Nature, can be very fickle and sometimes unforgiving. My PIC (partner in crime) happens to be dating my other best friend, who is probably the one with the best guypinions. While I talked about being twitterpated over One Good Man, the question came up about how her boyfriend felt about my dating situation.

He suggests that I wait to get into anything. Kinda late for that isn't it?

Timing works on a very skewed scale for me, much like my standards for dating. My standards are most girls' standards for dating. To serve as a reminder, I actually have standards and plan to use them this time. That being said, I am by comparison taking my time with dating this time around. Me and OGM have been seeing each other for about a month. Previously, I had been officially unattached for a month. But really, looking back at my past relationship, I was pretty much single for six months. Thus proving I work on a very different scale than most girls. I'm obviously not most girls.

By now, five years ago, I would be spending every single day with him, spending the night with him, doing fun things when spending the night with him (cough), and telling everyone who will listen about my boyfriend I just started seeing a week ago. Me and OGM have been seeing each other once or twice a week, we don't talk everyday, and it hasn't gone to the sexual point of no return. And he treats me well. So far. Yes, I am still bracing myself for the catch. I think some would say I'm cautiously optimistic.

One of my other guy friends had this scale for time that he suggested I use: For every year you are together, that should be the amount of months to wait before dating again. So if you were with someone for two years, you should wait two months before moving on. Not sure how you feel about that, but really it just sounds complicated. You and I both know dating is complicated enough!

In short, timing is all relative. And I've learned that when it comes to dating, timing is never good. We have to reshape how we deal with situations. I've had friends who have married and later found their true missing puzzle piece soon after. It happens. And then they deal with it. Because what can you do right? Very rarely is the timing right for these kind of things. Some people wait 25 years to begin a life with someone they could love. If you're Katy Perry, you date the hilarious guy who looks like an oversized rat and marry him right away.

When it comes to dating and timing, you absolutely have to listen to your gut. I value the opinions of my friends, but this is one of those situations where you have to remind them that they may not know what to do if they were in your shoes. Sometimes it's very difficult to sit back and put aside your opinions about your friends' relationships. But remember whose life it is. While you may not always support their decisions, it's best to put those feelings aside, especially if they are genuinely happy.

You can have your own master plan about dating and what you want to do and when, and formulate the steps to get there. I'm just here to remind you that whatever powers that be will laugh at you and throw you a curveball.

You ready to catch?

For giggles, here is Thumper and Bambi learning what it is to be "twitterpated."

Have Mercy!

Isn't this typically the emotion one feels when they're in the grasp of being extremely twitterpated? I mean...look at this. Any child of the 90's remembers the fabulously coiffed Uncle Jesse from Full House. Have mercy, he would beg. And can you blame him? Becky was a hot beast by 90's standards. I have discovered the stage in dating where one is teetering on the line between really falling for someone through the hot and heavy, and saying the Lord's Prayer: Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. Well, not all evil. I can't be good all the time...

I can't emphasize it enough: there is no pressure to give in on either end with me and One Good Man. However I truly believe that resistance is futile. This is where we fail at dating: we fail to realize a good thing and to go for it. The main problem is that the word "good" is relative. Sure, what if the making out is good...but does that mean he's a keeper? At best, he is a keeper for now if that's all he has going for him. Women aren't used to be treated with respect. I'm going to give you a piece of advice. Ladies: date someone who has a younger sister. You can tell a lot about a man by how he treats his mother. However, see how he talks about and treats his younger sister. It'll give you a glimpse into what to expect.

Anyway, sometimes mercy needs to come naturally. Dating is quite unatural to begin with, so we have to take little steps to make it easier on ourselves.

Let me tell you a story: I tend to be fairly brash. Not confrontational. Trust me there is a difference. I ended up calling out this guy who would turn out to be my boyfriend. He kept beating around the bush and simply wouldn't admit that he liked me. So after encouraging him to drink his courage elixir at the bar, I demanded that he tell me what was on his mind. "You have something to tell me," I said. With major hesitation he confessed he had feelings for me. Don't worry, I returned the favor and told him I liked him too. I'm not that mean! He didn't like being forced into this confession. Here's how the rest of the conversation went:

Me: I'm helping! It's not good to hold in your feelings! I'm your angel of mercy!
Him: THEN PUT ME DOWN!

I guess I could've been so kind as to let him down gently. The moral of this story is that you have to be willing to give into your feelings, and you can't force someone to give into theirs. Trust me, I obviously tried and I think that set the tone for the rest of our relationship. You simply can't force anything that isn't there and isn't going to work. I also think I scared him...I will try not to do that anymore. No promises.

So where do I stand now? Well, temptation is fun to give into but only if both parties are on the same page. It's so much more fun that way! This is where I get that feeling of no pressure. If he's right there and I'm right there, it's only fireworks from here...at least for the moment. In dating, all you can really do is seize the moment anyway.

And this is more than a sexual assumption. It keeps going back to trusting your gut. During this process I've learned to listen to it, converse with it, reach a mutual understanding with it. Although me and my instincts are getting along, it's still a very complicated relationship. I'm definitely out of my comfort zone and yet there is a small amount of comfort knowing that I don't feel forced, nor am I forcing anything else. Women, we have intuition for a reason. It's not only for protection. We also have to use it to nurture. Men seem to dig that kind of thing.

In the meantime, this song sums it up perfectly.
I'm begging

This Sums Up my Dating Philosophy Perfectly

The Beatles got many things right. They got music, long hair, global domination, and simple declarations of love just right.

I Wanna Hold Your Hand...

Hands, to me, are the emotional key in a relationship. While you can tell a lot about your partner by looking into his/her eyes, all of your thoughts and feelings are confirmed when you hold each other's hands. It's usually an electric, balmy, awkward connection when you first begin. But that's what makes it exciting. You can hold hands now! You don't need to have uncomfortable boundary conversations about holding hands as compared to sex.

All of the still-married couples I've talked to emphasize how important the simple things are, and how they define the cohesiveness as a dynamic duo. Let's face it: when it comes to dating and relationships, most girls just want someone to caress their faces, talk music and movies with, have their own mini adventures, even if it's only trying to find the right beer at a liquor store. That last one? Totally did it. Try it sometime. You'll learn a few things about a person by which beer or spirit he or she chooses.

So here it is. This is from Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist. Sidenote: Get the soundtrack. Great tracks! Try to deal with the awkwardness of Michale Cera. I mean...look at this kid.

And for those of you Beatles purists, here is perfection and quite possibly one of the greatest love songs ever written.



Where is my Dread Pirate Roberts?!

If you haven't seen The Princess Bride, you need to stop reading this and school yourself. It's the most amazing book AND one of the world's most quotable movies. Please. School yourself on wuv. Twu wuv!

I think it's important to discuss the men we daydream about. I can be all serious about what it is I want in men everyday when I post, but really you guys are just going to get bored with that! What about those male figures whose sight just makes us swoon, whose voices melt our hearts, and whose gaze just our knees buckle? They should get some credit! After all, no man is perfect. However our fantasy men are! And we deserve some male perfection from time to time. Amiright ladies?

Wesley/Dread Pirate Roberts is probably my favorite romantic movie character. The story starts out innocently enough. Wesley is just the water boy. And Buttercup is basically being a bitch by demanding he do random tasks. What never changes is his loyal ode to Buttercup: "As you wish." Sigh...a girl could get used to that.

And she did! They fell in love, random fairy tale life events happened, and next thing you know BOOM he's the Dread Pirate Roberts, Buttercup is a princess, and Dread Pirate Roberts looks sexy in a mask. And that sword. All I'm saying is if he can handle that sword with panache, imagine what else he can handle with such care and discipline! Inconceivable!

He is my ultimate male fantasy. A loving man who would do anything for his woman. Fight off those pesky ROUS, rescue me from quicksand, and all the while be charming and witty!

It is also important that I admit that I don't understand the fascination with Twilight. Maybe I'm being too quick to judge, but a sparkling pale man who can fly just doesn't sound sexy. And his werewolf friend? Men are hairy enough, I say! DPR isn't moody. He wastes not time getting stuff done and in the end, wins the princess. Quite frankly, Bella seems like a boring lay, Edward probably whines a lot, and werewolf kid is just one of those "stand there and look pretty" characters.

There is just something so incredibly sexy about a man hiding his true identity and wooing me into romantic submission. And then finding out, "wow, it was you all along. I'm intrigued!" You girls can keep your vampires, werewolves, and Disney princes. I will take a sexy pirate any day! Then again...a vampire from True Blood might be just nice. They can do bad things and I am totally okay with that! I digress. I can save that for another post!

In short, the DPR is the right mix of broodiness, sensuality, gusto, and romanticism. I will never find my exact Dread Pirate Roberts, but it's nice to wonder what if. What's even more fun? Trying to find and even enjoying these traits in the men you date. While a girl can and always should dream, she should treat herself to a small part of her male fantasy!

 

 

 

Drop my sword?
Perchance should I drop anything else for you Mr. DPR?

First There was The Chase. Now What's The Catch?

When it comes to relationships and dating, I vary between two extremes, and nary the two shall meet. I either overthink and question everything, or I live in blissful ignorance. I am trying my damndest to stop this nonsense. I am seriously hoping I can find a man who can help me balance my extremes but keep me challenged.

How am I today, you ask. Right now it seems I'm overthinking everything! I just want to enjoy sweet, simple joys with this One Good Man, and yet I worry that these simple joys will turn into complicated warfare. Think I'm being dramatic? I probably am. I think it makes me more interesting.

Just to clarify, I jumped in head first into my last couple relationships and I am very aware that I overthink or underthink. By going out a few times with this One Good Man, I am moving in the right direction towards being with someone for all the right reasons. But then I wonder am I still moving too fast? Is this too slow? Will he lose interest?

Last time we discussed how crucial I think The Chase is in a relationship. Today, we are discussing The Catch. Right now things seem to be going well...a little too well. And I fear shutting down. So here I am sharing this vulnerability with you, my dear friends.

It's frustrating to really like someone and still have a guarded heart. I'm trying to find the balance between letting someone into my life slowly and accepting that this is a risk. Do I think he's worth it? If he keeps treating me like someone of importance in his life, yes. He is.

Ok fine, I know this is only date #3 we are going on tonight. But obviously I really like this guy enough that I'm worried about this screwing up. And then I remember what my dear friend said to me that night: "Is your gut telling you that it's ok? Then it's ok. Your gut never lies."

Not to dwell too much on my dating past, I will explain my guarded heart to you a bit more in detail. This is where I've gotten blissfully ignorant. When things seemed tough or not worth it anymore, I thought if I stick around long enough, I can definitely make it so! Boy was I wrong. All three times. What can I say, I have been a glutton for punishment! Again, I'm trying to take the right steps to redeem myself.

I worry about things like, well, what if he's playing this game to see how long I'll stick around before he can get me to sleep with him. Or maybe I'm a pity case. These are all foolish insecurities because let's face the cold hard facts here folks: Everyone has either experienced this or at the very least knows someone who has.

So how do you adjust to these insecurities? How soon is it to have that "so what exactly are we doing" talk? I can't help thinking that one year ago something was there. And now here it is again. So it must be worth it. And just maybe I'm worth it too. I've said it before and I'll say it again...

There is always risk in adventure. The least I can ask for is someone to hold my hand as we jump feet first into the deep water.

I hope it's him.

How sad. I think this should be every woman's type.

I Just Came to Say Hello!

I was up late last night listening to the party in the room below and drowning it out with my music. I recently heard a song that got my attention.

This is kind of how I sum up my online dating experience. "Listen dude, I am ever so happy that you find me compelling enough to bug me for a bit. However, it is my duty to inform you that I am only here to wave and say hello. Now I shall bid you good day."

My friends totally know and understand that I was extremely hesitant to try online dating. This is one of the reasons why. All these eager beavers out there just make my skin crawl, which leads me to this question:

Is there a chase involved with online dating?

Let's face it, kids. Ever since the playground we have been hardwired to chase down and torment the boy or girl we like into liking us back, whether they pulled our hair or we pushed them into the sand. But online, it's so easy to avoid being chased just as much as it is difficult to get the attention of someone in whom your interested.

Despite current events, I still have an active online dating account. We'll see if six months is truly guaranteed. Right now I'm being elusive. I haven't logged onto the thing in a couple of weeks. In the meantime, I'm still getting notifications from possible suitors...and by possible I mean they really have a snowball's chance in hell.

The latest notification I got was a wink from a guy who was my age...and he winked in his picture. It was like Inception. Failception even! As I'm typing this, I see he sent me a message. Yes I will judge you for poor grammar, sir. And no we can't talk.

I highly doubt that those who have tried to find me before and send terrible sweet nothings via the interwebs will try to reach me again. In real life, there is a chase. I will bring you to this little ditty right here. I know I'm not going to try and reconnect with men I've previously winked at or sent messages to. Their silence says it all as I'm sure my silence does as well. With real human interaction, you sense the opportunity to try again.

Look at me...I'm trying again one year later.

I challenge you to tell me a successful online chase story .

Woah, What's that Noise?

*Pop*


That would be my dating cherry popping! Apologies for the visual, but can you blame me for being able to barely contain my excitement? I had my first official date. For once in my life I attempted time with the opposite sex in a linear fashion. Not that kind of fashion, silly. I'm talking about how this time around, I didn't claim a relationship, followed by maybe hanging out, and finally ending with the fall out. I don't claim to be traditional, but I can't be unconventional all the time. It's exhausting! 

Yes, it was one of the Few Good Men that I have talked about in previous posts. It was a totally new experience for me. That statement to me is just so sad. It's very evident that I haven't been properly treated before. It's a tough pill to swallow!

So he picked me up, we went to dinner, had a couple drinks, watched the bartenders kick us out with their eyes, and watched TV at my place. And he acted like a total gentleman. If he was trying to impress me, it worked. From refilling my water, to opening the car door for me, to engaging in conversation with me, it was a really great first date.

A girl can totally get used to this!

So how did this even happen? It's a funny story, really. Brace yourselves.

I knew this guy in high school. Our paths crossed once in a while since we both took similar classes. We had mutual friends but for the most part we didn't really hang out with each other. It had been seven years since we last spoke. And that was because of a life-changing car accident that could have potentially taken his life. Honestly, I probably wouldn't have spoken to him until our ten-year high school reunion. Frankly, he was extremely lucky to have survived and be in optimal health.

He was always a kind person, and I wouldn't wish that kind of tragedy on my worst enemy. To me, it felt like a sign to talk to him again. We met up with a few of his friends and we caught up. Shortly after, he asked to spend a day with me. Sadly, the timing was terrible.

I was trying to patch things up with my ex, and we ended up getting back together. I thought about what would have happened if I said yes. Did I regret my decision? Let's just say that timing is everything, and I was upset that his timing was terrible. Who knew after one year we'd get a chance to try it again?

It's a wonderful transition. Less than a few weeks in, I was ready to give up on online dating. All I wanted to believe in is that there is still that possibility that something organic could happen. And now something has been planted when I've least expected it. Look, I don't know where it will go but if we keep wanting to spend this much time with each other without any sort of pressure, commital or sexual, I think there is promise.

For all of you single ladies out there, I hope that my story has given you some glimmer of hope. I know the concept of dating alone can be an uphill battle. When you add the Internet to the mix, it truly feels like there's no chance of reaching the top of the mountain. I don't want to sound like a sappy Nicholas Sparks novel, but these kind of experiences happen when you least expect them to. There is so much truth to that cliche! So definitely keep an open mind and be in tune to your surroundings. You'll be surprised at who is paying attention.

So where exactly is all this going?

Date #3!

Selfish or Selfless?

One of my good friends asked us, her close group of girlfriends this very question:

At what point do u stop putting your own feelings/needs/wants after the person's that you care about? Why does every relationship feel like a struggle at some point?

I can say from my past relationships that it's been quite the struggle to figure out when to stop being the savior and start being saved. We all want that perfect relationship, where all fights have resolutions and making up is easy. Where love comes naturally and being together requires little effort. Unfortunately, we don't live in this type of reality!

What hurts me most is looking back and wondering what I missed out on. I used to be so concerned about my partner's well-being that I failed to understand what it is that I'm looking for. I earnestly tried to be the foundation even when the cracks were showing. That's one of the downsides to being an eternal optimist: you hope for the best, no matter what. And yes, it's hurt me every time.

Once again, this is where my writing comes in so handy. It is part of this healing process so I can move on and make more informed dating decisions. It's like buying a car.Yes, I am comparing dating to buying a car right now.

Think about it.

Your first car. Was it convenient? Did it for the most part take you from Point A to Point B with little issue? Did it have quirks that you could appreciate because it made it "your car"? Were you ok with that, or did it feel like you were making excuses? And did you often wonder what car you would choose if you didn't have to cart that jalopy around?

I'm here to inform you that it's much easier to find a better date than a new car. In fact, it's also cheaper. Maybe. Work with me here!

There is so much we do as women for our men. We are hardwired to be providers. But who is there to provide for the providers? Women are so intent to doing it for themselves that they miss the bottom line. You can do it for yourselves lady, but don't do it all for the men too. Let men be men! Let them court you. Hell, let them speak up too without shooting them down. In the meantime, ask yourself: What do you want a man to do for you?

One of the nice things about my position is that I can be that casual observer. I can learn from my friends what it is I want to do for a man and have him show what he can do for me. I don't want to be treated as a convenience. I don't want to dwindle along dating the same guy for a year without knowing where we both stand.Am I saying I want a commitment? Not exactly. However, know now that I'm not here to waste my time. Believe me, it's not fun being the only one carrying the relationship!

What I want is that balance. My friend said it best: you need to be with someone who can handle your crazy as much as they can handle your sanity. I'm not saying I'm a short fuse (don't get me wrong. I'm short. It's us you truly need to fear) all the time, but I don't exactly know how to stay in one place. There's so much exploring to do in this life and I don't want to miss out! However, I know my match can reel me in, caress my face, and show me that it's ok to slow down and enjoy nothingness...to enjoy each other's company.

Relationships require maintenance, much like a car. But when maintaining a car costs more than owning it, it's time to reassess where you stand.

Right now I'm testing a new model. So far it's been a smooth ride, handles with care, and pardon my saying so...but I look good standing next to it too.

I piqued your curiosity again didn't I?

Here I go again on my own...but really, I do this better. Sorry Ms. Kitaen.

I have a Facebook fan page!

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Happy reading!

For Men: Three things Not to do on Your Online Profile

I know the original format for this blog was to be about online dating. I haven't given up on it quite yet. I just have had other dating ventures to explore. Look at you being all curious. That's another post!

I just want to explore a few things I've seen on profiles that are a bit alarming. To let these seemingly well-meaning guys save face, I won't link their profiles. That's just cruel! That being said, here are what I consider the top three worst offenses.

1. The shirtless cell phone self-portrait

2. The overuse of lines such as "I'm not a douchebag" or worse, "I only look like a douchebag"

3. Sending the wink, message, AND Instant Message in one day

Ok, I understand that a huge part of online dating is looks. But don't make your main profile picture one of you in your dirty bathroom shirtless. It screams narcissm. And that you need to tidy up a bit. No girl wants to use your bathroom and see nail clippings in your sink. In the end, girls want someone to take care of them, whether it's in the sack or on a date. We want to take care of you too, but it can't ALL be about you! Am I being cynical again? If you saw the other three shirtless pics on this one guy's profile you wouldn't argue with me. Then again, he is kinda pretty...

Guys, if you have to explain to ladies that you're not a douchebag, chances are you've been reminded by enough people that you *are* in fact a douchebag. Let your date make that call before telling the Internet! One guy's profile had him in his orange tan glory double-fisting two drinks, with the duck face, spikey hair, shirt mostly unbuttoned, and chest hair ahoy. His opening line? I AM NOT A DOUCHEBAG! I JUST DRESS LIKE ONE.

...wait, so that's what you open with? Not, "I really want to find a girl who gets me" at least? First impressions are everything! Once again men, consider your main profile picture! What do you want women to take away from it? There is a huge difference between "I'm a guy who likes to have fun" and "I can outdrink your friends."

Finally, the overly excited guys. Listen, at least give me five minutes to consider looking at your profile before sending me more messages! One guy, who seemed like a nice respectable male, sent me a wink. I saw my email notification and thought maybe I'll check it out later. Not a priority. Less than a minute later, I get an email stating that the same guy sent me a message. Since he was all antsy in the pantsy, I logged into my profile. No less than a minute later he IM's me!

Look, I'm glad that you think I'm awesome (because let's face it. I am!) but give a girl some room to breathe! Girls enjoy the chase, but it's not a chase if you don't give us time to run away a bit.

The most important thing you can do on your profile is clearly state your intentions and who you are. While the pictures do most of the talking, you need back-up to let your potential wooers know what they're getting into with you!

So men, if I have any men readers, take this all into consideration. Because no girl wants her first date to involve scraping spray tan off her outfit, saving you from another shot, and hearing you explain the origins of your six pack.

I Guess Unrealistic Expectations Work Both Ways

It's one thing to reject reality & substitute your own.
It's another thing to be completely ignorant.
Source: Stuff No One Told Me (www.snotm.com)

Who Asked Jake Anyway?

The other day, my roommate dropped off my mail on the table. I was happy to see that I got a new Glamour magazine. As I was flipping through colorful pages full of beauty advice, fashion, and more useless sex knowledge, I came across a recurring article called "Ask Jake." This month's topic?

Six Things Not to Worry About on a First Date.

Um, why are some women worried about this crap on the first date? Why should women worry about some of this dreck in general?! Let's go down the list. Jake says don't worry about:

- Wearing the right jeans
- Whether the date "means something"
- The Spanx and push-up bra you have on
- Whether he wants a family
- Paying for dinner at the place he picked
- Whether he's trying to get into your pants

From my many conversations with my guy friends (I like to call the result of these conversations "guypinions"), I have come to the same conclusion each time: guys are very simple creatures. Women are just making this much harder than it should be. Am I guilty? Absolutely! At the same time, it shouldn't take away from enjoying your time with each other.

I will say, I worry about how I look like in front of the men who interest me. So I worry about how my jeans fit. No one thinks a muffin top is cute. According to Jake, he seems to think women worry about what men think about the label on your humps. Sorry Jake, I worry if my pants look like a five pound bag covering ten pounds of potatoes.

What about dates meaning "something"? Here. I'll give you "something" we can all remember: let's just live for the moment. This is why a date is just a date, everyone. Just enjoy each other's company and surroundings. If he asks you out on a second date? Jump for joy! If not? Move along. It's not worth getting upset over. I promise. If he's not upset, why should you be?

Yes, I worry about aesthetics. No, I don't think a push-up bra and Spanx are going to help you. What are you going to do when you take off your nude-colored bike shorts and he sees just how much you were cutting off your circulation? THAT is not attractive. Spanx were created by a woman on accident, and she profited greatly from her creation. She used her intuition, smarts, and gusto to create this brand. Don't let her down.

Family? Apparently, one of Jake's chick friends refused a second date because her date didn't desire marriage right then. Yes, she did want that. Was the third date supposed to be a quickie Vegas wedding? What was she going to do if he did want the same thing as she did? That is how you get crazy women. While you and your dates should have similar goals, you shouldn't want your cake and eat it too immediately. I've said it before, I am being very picky right now. However I refuse to scare away a guy I like with commitment on the first date. Even if I think we have a future.

Who pays for who? I imagine that a man should pay for the first date. Believe it or not, I do have some traditional values. Just because I want a midget catering crew at my wedding doesn't mean that I don't have certain expectations! I agree with Jake here: He asked you out? Let him pay. I will offer to pay sometime in the future. It's only right. Especially if I suggest something he wouldn't be used to. Like grape stomping for wine. Come to think of it...I don't know any straight man who would enjoy that. Hmm...

Finally, all men at any given time when they are with you have thought at least once what it's like to be the friction in your jeans. How he handles that is very indicative of his character. Sometimes, yes, people do put out on the first date and things work out. However, it shouldn't be on your mind when he's suggesting what kind of sushi roll to try. Sushi roll...is that a position?

I worry about first dates. That's the honest truth. Especially if I particularly like the guy! I would definitely enjoy seeing him again! At the same time I won't let my butterflies, standards/expectations, and tattered nerves get in the way of me having a good time. In fact, I want to ensure he has a good time too.

After all, if it's not fun, it can't be worth exploring!


No one likes a poor sport on a first date!
Source: Cartoonstock.com

"Now I'm Giving Women Advice!"

Before that, he was on a horse. And you couldn't help but adore the man who smelled so deliciously fresh.

Who am I talking about? Isaiah Mustafa, better known as The Old Spice Man. The other day, I was surprised to find that I'm still a Cosmopolitan subscriber. Even though I cut off the subscription, I still get the "women's Bible."

Let me tell you something right now: The advice is terrible. I don't need 69 different ways to touch a man. You touch a man, he gets excited, and sometimes you win. Other times, you go to bed angry. I have, and always will insist, that I read it for the fashion and make-up tips. I'm a girl who likes pretty things. I digress.

However, Mustafa penned a letter to female readers. Unfortunately I haven't found a link online to it yet. If you're interested, you can pick up the July 2011 issue of Cosmopolitan at your local grocery store and be amused.

He encouraged women to let go of the gradiose expectations we have of men. In other words, those huge movie productions where the man fights so valiantly for the girl by wooing her with grand gestures are giving men everywhere less hope. Why? Because if you paid attention, you'd see that the smaller gestures are meant to be large declarations of love!

Those who know me understand that I'm all about the simple things. While I appreciate flowers as I rarely got them as a girlfriend, I would be happier if you remembered my coffee order (tall nonfat black and white, no whip). Also, my allergies are busted, so if you want me sneezing my face off, lay rose petals all over the room. You're cleaning it. If you want to win me over, feed me a Harry Potter pick-up line.

"Hey baby, Slytherin in my bed."

As women, we need to stop this! These expectations boggle the logic of men everywhere! Your man doesn't want to chase you in the fields. In fact, he shouldn't. If you want to run like a fool, go on, but he's probably tired of you and your crap. That and those movie gestures simply aren't genuine. What's genuine? When you have a terrible day at work, and he sends you a YouTube vid of someone bottle feeding kittens.

Mustafa couldn't emphasize enough that men are often discouraged because if it's not enough we women are hormonal once a month, we accuse men of not caring because they're not kissing us in the rain. What are they supposed to do? Stage a rain dance and pull you into a passionate kiss to make you happy? Build you a house even though you're not with him? THE NOTEBOOK IS NOT REAL LIFE! On that sidenote I will also confess: I didn't cry at The Notebook. Go ahead. Call me a heartless beast. I can take it.

I can harp about this all day. But ladies, please pay attention. I would love to be with a man who puts my keys next to my coffee in the morning, picks up my favorite chocolate when he's out buying food, tells me that a song came on the Muzak and he remembers how much I love that song.

On that note, if you expect a man to go big or go home in this sense, I suggest you simply go home.

He didn't realize that wine he got you is supposed to be red not white, and that he was supposed to bring it to the picnic you planned in your head.

Disney needs to stop giving girls unrealistic expectations of love...the princesses are obviously sick of it.

Let's Talk About Old People

My best friend and roomate has this supreme weakness. It's actually a cute overload trifecta: bunnies, corgis, and I Love Lucy. As for me? I am partial to all things Hello Kitty, James Dean, and old couples.

Cute. Wrinkly. Poorly Dressed. Cane waving couples who have been married for eons!

My parents are my relationship role models. Their relationship survived countless military moves, the Vietnam War, my mother's sickness, and my father's Navy discipline. When my mother retired last year, she and my father joked that they had to "retrain" each other. After many years in the workforce, just how were they to survive as a married couple who had 24 hours to spend with each other?

Swoon.

They've been married for just about 45 years. Hellloo...they obviously have done something right. I've seen good times and bad with them but even still they have this friendship with each other that most couples would envy!

One of my favorite past times is people watching. For many women my age, the sight of cute little kids in awe of the world around them is enough to buckle their knees. When I see a couple who can't hear each other talk holding hands while they walk down the street, I giggle and squee.

That's what I want. Their endurance and disposition gives me hope for the future.

In an Asian culture, you are taught to persevere with dignity, class, and strength. Maybe thisi s the advantage my parents have. It's so easy, they always tell me, to leave whenever things get too hard. But when you take the time and have patience and humility, the rewards are so great.

Nothing against my sisters (I know they read...hi!), but I chose not to marry young. To me, there is so much more to life! And when I'm ready to settle down, I know it's because I've done everything on my own, made my own mistakes, and reaped my own rewards. At this time, I would love to share our adventures and storytell, not to each other, but our children.

In truth, I am already hardwired to be selfless and give my all to a special someone. I just want to make sure that my future husband shares the same spirit and zest for life as me.

After all, we need to give younger kids something to admire.

"Honey did I turn off the stove?"
"Heh? Did I go to the orange grove? Woman, I'm with you!"

Um, I Gotta be Obvious Here

Yup. Since Beyonce is an amazing beast and put so-called lonely girls on the map, I'm just going to leave this here.

Come on girls, take charge of your dating destiny!



I hope one day someone can legally put a ring on his :/

It's Just Like Riding a Bike

Last night my best friend and I were enjoying a quiet evening. I made dinner and we were watching Ike beat Tina. Right as Tina was wailing on about Nutbush City Limits, she stared at me and flat out asked "Why are you so intent on dating?"

You know...I never really thought about that. My answer was quite simple: I have just never done it. And in her "bless her heart" sort of way, she giggled and explained that dating really just wasn't my style.

Sadface.

You have to understand where I'm coming from here. I've never been on a date. I've jumped into relationships and we've hung out. Most of the time that's only happened because I like playing dentist: pulling teeth is a Single Girl past time. I'd have to ask my boyfriend if we can go somewhere. And I might as well have been eating dinner by myself.

The next question really did make me laugh though: do you know what to do?

Um. No. It's like riding a bike, isn't it? Or losing your virginity. It is kinda painful the first time, you mess up a few times afterwards, you hit a few rough spots, find fun in said rough spots, and decide that once you've done it well enough, you're more than happy to try it again.

Amiright?

So what kind of date would Jax Single Girl enjoy? Let me remind you, I've jumped out of a plane willingly, held a man who was spinning fire on my back unwillingly, and always held the philosophy of "we'll see what happens." Are dates simply too normal for me? Am I making this harder than it really is?

Where should a man take Jax Single Girl? So bowling would be fun. I'd fit in at pool halls. Hibachi sounds good too. I can catch shrimp in my mouth...among other things. Heyo!

Maybe I can do a typical movie and/or dinner. As long as you'll allow me to make corny jokes, we'll be allright.

What is all comes down to is that even in my turbulant nature, I do crave some sense of normalcy...someone to even me out. A nice gentleman who walks me to my car after a fun date is just one way for me to get there. Despite all outward appearances, I want what many girls want: a penguin who loves me for life.

You're doing it wrong...

Don't Spill Your Guts; Trust 'em!

That's essentially what I'm gathering is the best approach to dealing with dating.

Before my friend and I went out to the club last weekend, we ended up doing the typical girl thing: talking about boys, switching purses, laughing. So I told her in so many words that I end up being so cynical about relationships and dating. Sometimes, even as optimistic as I can be, I see so much ugly in this world, and while I can only do so much to shape myself around it, it wears me down, and sadly I tend to lose a little bit of home each time.

And with that bit of sadness, here is a song by The Cure

With this caring and sincere look in her eyes, she told me this in so many words:

"Think back to your last relationship. Did it feel like you were always trying to chase something that wasn't there? And was your gut screaming at you telling you that this wasn't right? And think about now. Does it feel right? Are you relaxed? Then go with it. Your gut never lies."

Dammit, I thought. She's right! Why do we as women never learn this lesson? We are so apt to go with the flow even if it means swimming against it. Now I'm not sure about you, but I tend to be a selfless person. The pain you feel? I feel it too. The shirt on my back? Yours. And perhaps the bra if you really need it. Everyone needs a good support system! My loyal friends insist on reminding me (as they probably should) that I need to look after my interests too.

Very often my insight into love and the like stem from my conversations with my near and dear. I can't emphasize how important their opinions are and how they shape my perspective. I also must note that my cyncism is very self-inflicted. Another reason I keep my friends? They remind me that it's ok to enjoy this crazy little thing called love...or something like it.

I reu the day when the cyncism overtakes my sunny disposition. So, for now, I will heed the advice of my best support bra: don't apologize for enjoying yourself, tread cautiously, but not to the point of barely getting your toe wet, and your gut is stronger than the cologne that makes you swoon.

"So What's Your Type?"

My best friend and I had this discussion the other day. I think the fact that I haven't really had a type has made my online dating venture flatline.

I know what you're thinking: There have got to be some similarities between the men you have dated before. There are, but they're really cosmetic and random. This too is probably isn't helping my cause.

They've been good cooks
Green-eyed men tend to find me
If they aren't getting hard ons over football, then they certainly are with hockey
Guitarists

Really, the things they have in common are things that don't matter to me. I've talked to men and women alike who insist they only date redheads/date athletes/date musicians.

How picky can one be?! I guess I'd rather date a series of coincidences than pigeonhole men into categories. Can you imagine? The conversation would probably go like this:

"Yeah, he was a redhead. Love that. Except he never drives when we go out, he's rude to others in public, and he hates his mother. I love that those redheads are so hot-headed!"

Ok fine. This is exaggerating a bit, but you get the point. This girl will then want to find another redhead to come into her life, and she'll put up with this nonsense and hope that she found the right redhead, and not the right man. See that gingers? I'M ROOTING FOR YOU!

Am I being to cynical again? I do that a lot...

I know a lot of girls out there understand where I'm coming from. Friends have suggested I keep an open mind about online dating. I have to a degree! This has been difficult to adjust. That being said, I think I'll just leave online dating to the birds (for now) and focus on waiting for something to happen.

Don't worry. I'm not just going to sit here like a princess and wait for him to slay dragons to save me. In fact, princesses annoy me, and would rather befriend the dragon for he is probably just misunderstood. Maybe I'll be fortunate enough to spill coffee on a nice guy. He'll be so nice about it, he'll want to talk more over coffee that's still in his cup.

Ever the eternal optimist, the cup is still and always shall be half full.

Find me in da club?

This really isn't my style, but for the sake of my dear friend and her birthday wishes, this is where I stood. Hands in the pockets of my dress, nursing a well-made long island iced tea, and watching droves of drunks poorly dancing to the bass. It's a lot like this. I can't decide if getting hit on or poor dancers is worse.

I simply take a look around and this isn't the kind of crowd I want in my life and 12:30 at night. And then I remembered that this would make wonderful blog fodder! As usual, I feel overdressed and underdrunk. I look around and see couples. This is where I ask myself how on earth did fate bring these two together? Very rarely do you hear the true love story of two people, meeting at a club, and living happily ever after...unless you're from Jersey. Apparently that happens there all the time.

It's funny because I love dancing. And enjoy drinking. Maybe the cynic in me has difficulty believing that I can find my life partner at a club while enjoying both of these past times.

So here is where I ask my followers this question: where did you meet your current significant other? Did you expect that to happen?

I met my latest love interests either through work or school. I guess this is also why online dating is extremely foreign to me. I truly want something organic to happen. Seeking it in the depths of the interwebs is like high fructose corn syrup in the culinary world: ok in small doses, but it's for the most part not good for you.

I think I'm right on track with keeping with an organic diet though. But of course a little junk food isn't a bad thing. In fact, I always make up for it later!

Picky? Mayhaps...

Ok so after a few dating missteps in my past, I am fully-prepared to be picky about the next man in my life. Don't get me wrong! I would love to date and explore different personalities, but if I'm going to give you a title, you're gonna have to be pretty flippin' awesome.

So what is Jax Single Girl looking for? Well, I was having this conversation with my best friend, and I shamefully admitted that my high standards are, I believe, everyone else's average standards. I'm not setting the bar low (sorry all you middle-aged men on Match.com. I am NO mail order bride!). I'm just now understanding what it is I am willing to accept.

Must make me laugh
Must have your own life and hobbies
Must want to spend time together
Must enjoy my company whether I'm rocking a hoodie and Chucks, or all gussied up in a little black dress
Must make plans sometimes
Must have a great relationship with his family
Must be kind (snide people watching, however, is acceptable)
Must appreciate holding my hand as I hold his
Must be willing to at least appreciate my quirks and odd habits

I know. This list is general at best. But the most important thing I need is that chemistry. That boom. The butterflies in the stomach. In the past, I have been so patient with my phantom boyfriends (def. You know he exists. I know he exist. But where on God's green earth is he?!), but what I need is an adventurous companion. My other partner in crime.

Despite all outward appearances, I do believe in true, everlasting love. I really believe that one man one day will share the same zest for life. So where are you, dear? Let's share witty puns, go on a midnight drive for no reason, bake cupcakes, and yell at stupid people on tv. And perchance may we cuddle often?

...wait. You wanna put what where and nothing more?

AS IF!

"Would you look at that body language?"

"Legs crossed towards each other. That is an unequivocal sex invite!"

I gotta admit: Cher from Clueless wasn't speaking any untruths.

Sidenote: Kids who were born when this movie came out can legally drive a car this year. YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THAT. Moving on.

Some of you are asking hey Jax Single Girl! When did sex even come into the picture? Look, I'm not one to shake my girly bits at every boy who winks at me, but I think we really need to explore body language because it screams much louder than the creeper next to you wanting your number at a dirty bar.

The other night when I hung out with A Few Good Men, I couldn't help but notice the chivalry from one man in particular. Here's where I start analyzing this and other situations.

Let's list them, shall we?
He had his hand on my chair across my back the whole time.
He often reached out and hugged me.
He rested his head on my shoulders a few times.
He had his hand around my waist towards the end of the night.

Look, either I'm a healthy candidate for a new bromance, or there is really some sort of physical chemistry happening that would give Vivian Leigh some very serious, Southern vapors.

Ok, kids. I need some help here. WHAT'S HAPPENING?! By the way, I'm really great at denial. It makes my everyday very interesting.

I talked with a close friend and she said this and similar situations are just a serious eye-opener. I simply haven't been treated like I existed. My exes couldn't follow the golden rule: do onto others as others do onto you. The eternal optimist in me is hardwired to believe that I can turn any terrible situation into a good thing. Luckily for me, most of the time I can. This time around, I'm making sure that someone does the same for me when I'm feeling blue.

And my friend said something else that struck me. "Once you know, you can't not know." After all is said and done, I am willing to admit my shortcomings, forgive others for theirs, but all the while, not settle for less than something I deserve...especially after seeing where it got me twice.

The truth is we are animals. There are rituals we do to attract members of the opposite sex (or same sex. I love my gays). And when you feel it, you can't not feel it. What makes us individuals is how we determine what piece of yourself, physical or not, you're willing to share. What's my strategy? I'm a cuddle whore. I'll do it for free. If you give me money, then I win twice!

For the sake of fun, and for the livelihood of this blog, I will date a few mistakes. That is, if your creepy uncle will stop sending me emails. Seriously Match.com! I prefer that you match better!

We have to remind ourselves that there is never safety in adventure. And if you're not living on the edge? Well, you are just taking up too much space!

The Jungle has some nice Scenery

There is a lot to be said about putting a single girl outside the comfort of her environment. I'm not just talking putting her on a date with a complete stranger at a restaurant with weird food nobody can pronounce. No, I'm talking also in terms of putting a single girl in an establishment full of scantily clad women and placing her with a group of men she barely knows. I assure you this isn't a screwed up hentai. However, it's probably as comfortable as the meat in the casing of this obvious sausage fest. No biggie. Same Single Girl, different foliage.

So for those inquiring, I wore jeans, a loose t-shirt, and heels. However, I upped the ante and did my hair and spritzed smell-good. I am still a girl after all! I think the boys last night had trouble remembering that. I digress. This is a typical day for me.

This scenery was the perfect setting for a sociology experiment. How many men were oggling at the scantily-clad females? Am I really one of three women in this entire establishment not wearing a hanky for a kilt? All of a sudden my jeans and t-shirt seemed like a Catholic habit. So yes...I did have moments of discomfort.

However, in these few bare moments, I found solace in the fact that I was around good men. Not a good man, but good men. I guess it's all perspective. They were very respectful of all the women there, not just myself. They included me as best as they could in conversation. And you know what? I laughed. A LOT. This is the simplicity I long for. I guess in the end I don't need to discover it with just one man. Just a few good people instead.

And yet it's a strange situation. Hanging with someone from your past and exploring the what ifs. Blame it on the alcohol, but there just might be something there. I will save the details for another post. I know you're waiting with bated breath!

All I know is I'm spending time with one of these guys Monday night and honestly no matter what happens, these few good men have given me hope for my own dating future.

What Nature Intended?

I never imagined I'd be "that girl."

You know? The one who schvitzes in front of the mirror wondering if what she's wearing is suitable. Tonight I am simply going out with a friend and his friends. The single girl in me hears "oh snap! Time to show off the goods!" The logical side of me smacks Single Girl with her brass pair and says "no silly. Be Yourself"

That brings me to this comical segue.

Remember the movie Just Friends? That's how I feel in many situations. It's like my timing is simply off. I am the hamster on a wheel desperately trying to get the carrot on the string.

Anyway, here I am going through my closet and wondering what "myself" is. Ten years ago, it was tartan plaid, chain wallets, anything that screamed "punk rock." When I was dating, I hid my body is Plain Jane because heaven forbid I looked good to any other red-blooded male.

This is what all those nature shows are talking about. Females and males getting all fussy to attract the opposite sex. Instead of strutting like a proud peacock, I stumble like a Canadian goose trying to cross a busy intersection.

The most difficult thing I am struggling with is wondering how the opposite sex perceives me. I've always been proud to be a contradiction; a dirty old man in a skirt is how I'd like to put it. THAT is me. But is any man kind enough to peel back that layer and understand that I also like to wear pearls and bake cupcakes?

So tonight, I will mingle with a new social circle; the lioness from another tribe. Let's see if I am welcomed or end up sparring tonight.