When Knowing is Enough

Between my best friend and Brother Bear, I've had many fainting couch talks about my love life. Most of the time, I'm asking questions like "what's wrong with me" or "why do I keep screwing this whole thing up" or "am I always going to make the same mistakes?" It has always been exasperated hyperboles about how everything is wrong. At last I leaned forward, and planting my feet on the ground away from the couch and made a declaration:

I just know.

Those three words are so powerful. I think they're more powerful than saying "I love you." When you hear "I love you," you don't always have confidence in the truth behind those words. Those three words are often said with one eye shut just to lessen the impact. Sometimes you just don't know.

With Philly, I know that there is something good here. There is a certain clarity whenever I see him.

Philly feels right. And this is such a poor segue from a truthful and endearing statement, but another reason I really know that this works is that I don't want to sleep with him...yet. We've been out a few times, and that temptation was certainly there, but with him I want it to be meaningful. It feels ridiculous to read that back, but forcing myself to enjoy our conversations and to savor our free nights together without needing to bring him home to show him how much he turns me on is a bigger adventure for me. My imagination is awakened at the thought of when and how, but I don't feel the need to give in to any primal urges. Really! At the moment, it's just more fun to think about it.

I never provided an origin story, and it feels appropriate this time. Everyone likes a "once upon a time" origin story, right?

On the online dating site where we met, each person can answer a set of questions, and see where one matches up with another poor soul resorting to the warped world of online dating. One of the questions is in terms of relationships, which of these is the most important to find:

• Someone you feel like you've known forever
• Someone who turns you on
• Someone for whom you would do anything
• Someone with goals similar to yours

Well, I do everything I can for those I cherish in my life, so that answer was out. The need for similar goals sounded too Type A. And being the adventurer, I would rather spend my time getting to know someone; I don't necessarily need to feel like I've known my match forever. That's why I'm here, trying this online dating thing!

So I chose someone who turns me on. Chemistry: the bad boy of first dates, the immediate sensation of trying a new dish without relishing how it awakened my senses after I put down my fork. That's what I chose. Philly on the other hand chose the first answer: someone you feel like you've known forever.

I peered through his profile recently to revisit this question, and that's when I had an epiphany. I don't want someone to feed me dinner in a rush because I'm starving; I want someone who takes the time to remember how I like my steak (still mooing with extra salt and butter), and makes sure that it's prepared just right. I understand now that I too want someone who I feel like I've known forever.

There's only so much you can trust from reading an online dating profile. Most of my matches have followed the provided formula: answer the questions that are asked in the order in which they are asked, and leave room open for discussion. As for the men that usually message me? They only put their stats, and send me hook-up requests. Philly's caught my attention because he busted that mold. He wanted to put the "looking for" section on top, and the "about me" section on the bottom, rebelliously going against the order that was provided for him. He was witty and sarcastic, and it gave me clearance to do the same. That was definitely comforting.

(Re: Online dating)

When he talked about what he was looking for he said "if watching the sun rise on the beach and sleeping in before making pancakes the next morning sounds appealing to you, then message me." I know right? It is a ridiculous line, and in true form, I wanted to see if he could back that up. When I messaged him, I brought up a couple of things he said on his profile, but more importantly I argued that waffles were better than pancakes, all day everyday. He responded back and saw my point, but still disagreed, and here's what struck me: the only reason he logged back in was because he was going to deactivate his profile since he was getting no results. Then he saw my message, and held on to see if something could happen. A friend pointed out that it seems like a sign that things could not work in my favor. Who openly admits that his or her online dating profile isn't getting results? Well let me tell you. It's the worst kept secret out there, but really most of the time it doesn't work! That's why mine is still admittedly active.

Oh, and he went on to argue that you could stuff pancakes, mix craziness in there and it will all be good. Luckily, I had the perfect weapon in my arsenal. I send him this as a counterpoint (Ed. note: NSFW). As a result, he invited me out to tacos.

I should have paid attention. Clearly I needed to give my immediate attention the man who buys me tacos. Tacos are definitely the right way to my heart. Our last date wasn't the first time we shut down two places. We shut down the restaurant and the neighboring bar. I should have known then...

And so a few dates later, and a squee-inducing hour-long conversation, I was love drunk and invited him to my fire troupe's most recent show. He was all for it. Because of my chaotic work schedule, I had taken off a month to recoup and to be in tip-top shape for the troupe after it was all over. Couple the fact that I was nervous after a long hiatus, and that I was our troupe's entire second act, he actually showed up! I wasn't sure if I needed to throw up or light all of my stuff on fire while running to relieve myself of the nervous energy.

Throughout the night, he would check in with me and see how I was doing. Naturally I was in show mode (as I warned him I would be), and couldn't give him my foremost attention. Besides, there were enough scantily clad girls up on stage so I figured that would distract him till I came on. But he would find me each time and chat for a brief moment. Finally, my set was up. And I gave it my everything. It was so much fun to be back, and I had the equivalent of a runner's high afterwards. After rushing off stage and getting a much-needed class of water, I walked up to him and asked if he was having fun. He was floored. This show, along with my set, blew him away. And he was loving it.

This told me a few things: he could hang with my circus-type friends, he was okay with smoky bars, and women could wear next-to-nothing and he still looked at me like I was this enchanting princess, which one, gross, two, not even close. I was dripping fuel-laden sweat out of my face and had ash and soot on various parts of my body from my fire tools.

Him: "Wow. You were amazing! That was awesome!"

Me: "I'm so gross right now!...oh, and thank you!"

Derp.

He had to work early the next morning, so he couldn't stay. He complimented the other performers and the vendors on their work, and gave me a couple of kisses goodbye.

That is, of course, after he asked what my next week was looking like. And that weekend. Color me twitterpated.

After he left, I went to grab my belongings. Because I'm "that person," the first thing I searched for was my phone. When I unlocked it, I saw I had 5(!) missed text messages from him. Clearly, he didn't understand that "show mode" means "screw all else but the performers and making sure the audience gets a helluva show." To some that may be off-putting; then again, most of us have our phones glued to our hands, so while it was naïve of him to assume I had it on me all night, I cut him some slack

When I showed the text to Brother Bear, his face lit up and he gave me a brotherly kiss on the forehead. You better believe I had the biggest smile plastered across my face. The killer for me is that he called me gorgeous. Not hot. Not sexy. But gorgeous. I'm a girl and I read hard into that thing. It goes back to my struggle of wondering if men could learn to like the show girl along with my daytime self. He could. He is.

 And for once, I introduce him individually to all of my friends instead of throwing him like fresh meat to the wolves. Usually it's "guy I'm potentially going to bed with, here's everyone. Everyone: don't let him suffer if you're going to bite into him."  The Toymaker was joking that he's a keeper because Philly likes his art. In my mind I am doing this:

Instead of traversing into the unknown as a frightened stowaway, I'm beginning another journey. This time, I have a GPS signal. My castle is still secure. There is no Dragon to send away other suitors.

The drawbridge is open and I'm ready to let someone in.

It was a Walk in the Park...No, Really

I appreciate your patience, my dear readers. I always have a lot to say, and I know you've been waiting for the "First Date" story with The Trainer.

Let me map out that day for you. I had plenty of activity to keep my mind sane up until we were to meet that afternoon. It was Memorial Day, so while most people were sleeping in, nursing a hangover, or barbequing, I was lacing up my shoes to run a 5K. After abusing my body with my best race time (43:00. I'm slow but consistent), I also met my friend to join her Zumba class.

Here was how I justified all this: Let me get out my nervous energy out now, and have less to throw up out of anxiety later. I was treating my first date nervousness like a nuclear threat. I had an emergency text ready for my friends in case it went south, I made sure the date was close to home, and I made sure if anything did happen, I had witnesses.

It's also worth noting that is the first time in a while that I've been nervous for a date. I've been on bad first date after bad first date. I wasn't nervous for them. I think in retrospect, I treated them as rights of passage. Everyone should go through at least one bad first date just so it builds character.

So after soaking my cardio-weary body in a hot shower, I made genuine efforts to look and smell like a girl again. I remember my first date with OGM. I didn't know what I was going to wear and had a mini panic attack...or two. This time around, I knew what I was going to wear. That was the easy part. The hardest part was staying in the park long enough to wait for him and not feel the need to bolt.

So I sat there, near a fountain, hair somewhat done, sundress, and flip flops on, feeling the Florida heat cut evenly with little breeze. Then it hit me.

He's going to be here in five minutes.

It's hotter than a hooker in church.

We agreed to meet at a park.

I put in at least 5 miles today.

Suck it up, cupcake. You have that text ready to go.

I clutched my purse close, shoulders raised high. I felt his presence. Even if I had to, I wouldn't be able to send out the text on time. Slowly I stood from the fountain where I sat, thinking don't trip, don't trip, don't trip. With nervous smiles, we said hello, and he gave me a hug.

Truth be told, that was fairly unexpected. Welcome, but unexpected.

But then he wouldn't look at me. He was talking to me, but not looking at me. Maybe he was nervous...

After we started to loop the park, I thought I'd better give him a tour of the area. And if I kept walking, I could concentrate more on that than throwing up granola chunks. We started reciting our past conversations about movies, tv, music, anything we could muster.

Then the heat. Steam rising from concrete, bake-cookies-on-your-dashboard heat. Luckily there was an antique store with A/C. I figured it would make for an interesting study. What would he find here that he would talk about, and would it really make me reach for my phone.

As it turns out, we started talking a little more, finding pregnant pauses less and less. We started to venture around after cooling off, and found ourselves making our way into downtown. Side-by-side, not missing a beat in anything we talked about. It was only then that I was less concerned about where my phone was and more concerned about the heat. Luckily I checked later. My make-up held up. I was sweating enough to drown a village. I'm glad that wasn't an issue.

We started talking about our races. His eyebrow raised when I told him what I had done earlier that day. He started to feel bad about walking everywhere. What was another five miles, right?

Naturally all that activity made us hungry, so we ended up at one of the few places open on Memorial Day. It also happened to be where CSB and I went often. Luckily that didn't leave a bad stain. I still knew most of the servers there.

After The Trainer laughed at the fact that they were out of pretty much everything I usually get, I playfully slapped his arm. Oh, that's an arm. FOCUS! Then he said something that made me start liking him even more:

I think it's great. You have to think outside of the box.

Interesting. I have a challenge now. He's challenging me. It's a small way to do it, but nonetheless, he is giving me banter.

At any rate, we were still going on about everything under the sun. I caught one of the servers I knew peering over the bar taps, curiously staring at us. How many ways can you visually send I'm-on-an-awesome-date signals without being obvious? I turned around from our booth at the window and noticed the sun was gone. Woah....what time was it?

Six hours. Six hours later we were still there. I noticed my phone dinging. It turns out my best friend sent me rapid fire texts throughout the day.

Afternoon: Hope it goes well!

Early evening: Still going?

Late night: OMIGOD PLEASE TELL ME YOU'RE STILL ALIVE!

I had to sneak a text back to her. She was pleased to know firstly that some crazed lunatic didn't kidnap me. And secondly, she was glad it was still going.

We both remembered we had dogs to tend to. So he took me back to my car at the park, and we sat under a lamp post. He asked if I was up for a second date. I told him I was free that week and thanked him for a wonderful time. Another hug and we went into our separate cars.

I was perfectly content at that very moment. My windows down, I turned on the radio, and sang along. He wanted to see me again...just as I wanted to see him too. These are the simple things people enjoy and relish. And I finally had my turn. My legs were weary, and my eyes were heavy.

My heart was pulsing like fireflies in the park.

The Beats that Move Us

My father always said this growing up. No news is good news. And it's true. Things with CSB have been quite amazing. This isn't going to be one of those intense, extremely wordy posts (maybe) where I analyze every last minutia of my relationship and dating CSB. No, this is simply to say I'm absolutely thrilled and in love. And anyone who's ever felt this way can write their own story here after reading my own. You know what? I lied; I'm totally going to ramble on because it's good to be in love.

I've had some conflicted feelings regarding my career status, and just to spare him from constant complaining, I almost never bring it up with him. Yet in his charming naivete, he asks me "why aren't you working in your field? You have a degree." Oh honey...it's not that easy! I have to remind myself that he spent 10 years in the Navy, and had job security that most would only dream of, especially in this economy. The whole point I'm driving at is this: he believes in me. He gazes into my eyes and encourages me to better myself and to not settle for anything less than what I want. Then it dawned on me: I am slowly reaching a point where I can do this in a relationship...so I should apply this to other facets in my life! He is handsome as he is smart. And like a typical man, he reaches out to offer a solution to a problem I have either never discussed or realized I had. In return, he looks to me to help him better himself. The other night I helped him restructure an annotated bibliography in MLA format. It's been six years since I've attempted to do this. But I took the time to reeducate myself so I can help him achieve the grades he desires.

There's so much to be said about the last month (!) I've spent with him. My mother had a bit of an accident and he talked to me into the daylight hours of Christmas making sure that I was fine.  I have worked insane hours this month, and all I wanted was a bowl of spaghetti. Tonight, after weeks of wanting some, he took me out to dinner. All of these things should be expected, right? Well, I'm still getting used to it. It's a change of pace to have a man pay attention to the little things, especially since I have always seemed to be the only one who paid attention to the minor details.. And all the while, I'm amazed because our schedules are drastically different since he started school again. He works early hours and goes to class at night. Like a hardworking student, he does homework when he's not at work or at school. I work a typical 9-5 and am lucky if I see him after class. Not to mention my fire troupe has been picking up business, so practice and shows are challenging and often. But he makes that time for me. What a wonderful change of pace.

We spend hours talking about music. I know I'm encroaching on cheesy territory here, but music really unites people in ways we don't think we can without it. Almost like saying good morning, I send him a YouTube video of a song I think he'd like. In return, we stay up till 2 in the morning, watching videos on his laptop, exploring new music together. What's more fascinating for me is that he automatically saves the song I show him, and talks to me about how he found more of the same he liked the next day. One night we played pool...well, he played pool and I just handled a cue stick like a fool. After a long set where I naturally won by default, he pulled out a $5 bill out of his pocket and said "let's play on the jukebox." And we had very similar tastes. We laughed at our choices and told stories about the songs we chose. And to cap it off, he ends our set with "I Touch Myself" because why not.

This is the man I'm falling in love with. The man who makes me laugh so loud in a restaurant that people stare, which makes him laugh harder. Let me remind you...his laugh is not cute! The man who texts me binary jokes (There are only 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand binary and those that don't.) so he can remember his IT homework. The man who checks in with me to tell me how much he's accomplished that day. The man who is excited at the idea that I have a job opportunity. The man who is excited to tell his friends he's dating a belly dancer. The man who wants me to teach him piano while he teaches me chess in return. The man who I can honestly say can turn my day around because I remember all of these things.

I can't think of anyone else I can have a conversation with about Yo Yo Ma's version of Elgar's cello concerto, and how much the 1st movement took my breath away. And in response, he shows me an opera from Hannibal that he thoroughly enjoyed. All of this followed by conversations of what we love about motorcycles.

In a previous post I talked about how sometimes dating someone can be a mundane series of events. This is not what it is, nor is it what I hope it turns out to be. This is a series of adventures full of stories I look forward to telling anyone who will listen. There is a passion with him that is difficult to explain sometimes. What we share is more than physical. The physical passion is just that much better because of the conversation, the coffee, the music...

I started this post with La Valse d'Amelie in my head and am finishing it with Elgar. I want to relive these moments with CSB. And it's silly and foolish because at this rate I won't have to; we will keep creating them. When was the last time someone came into your life and inspired you so much that you had to write about it?

And to think it started with a cup of Irish coffee, a magician, and a playing card.

Time, Why you Punish me?

You read correctly. That is a reference to a Hootie and the Blowish song. Once again, I had a conversation about dating and relationships last night with my best friend. This got me thinking about timing and how it, much like Nature, can be very fickle and sometimes unforgiving. My PIC (partner in crime) happens to be dating my other best friend, who is probably the one with the best guypinions. While I talked about being twitterpated over One Good Man, the question came up about how her boyfriend felt about my dating situation.

He suggests that I wait to get into anything. Kinda late for that isn't it?

Timing works on a very skewed scale for me, much like my standards for dating. My standards are most girls' standards for dating. To serve as a reminder, I actually have standards and plan to use them this time. That being said, I am by comparison taking my time with dating this time around. Me and OGM have been seeing each other for about a month. Previously, I had been officially unattached for a month. But really, looking back at my past relationship, I was pretty much single for six months. Thus proving I work on a very different scale than most girls. I'm obviously not most girls.

By now, five years ago, I would be spending every single day with him, spending the night with him, doing fun things when spending the night with him (cough), and telling everyone who will listen about my boyfriend I just started seeing a week ago. Me and OGM have been seeing each other once or twice a week, we don't talk everyday, and it hasn't gone to the sexual point of no return. And he treats me well. So far. Yes, I am still bracing myself for the catch. I think some would say I'm cautiously optimistic.

One of my other guy friends had this scale for time that he suggested I use: For every year you are together, that should be the amount of months to wait before dating again. So if you were with someone for two years, you should wait two months before moving on. Not sure how you feel about that, but really it just sounds complicated. You and I both know dating is complicated enough!

In short, timing is all relative. And I've learned that when it comes to dating, timing is never good. We have to reshape how we deal with situations. I've had friends who have married and later found their true missing puzzle piece soon after. It happens. And then they deal with it. Because what can you do right? Very rarely is the timing right for these kind of things. Some people wait 25 years to begin a life with someone they could love. If you're Katy Perry, you date the hilarious guy who looks like an oversized rat and marry him right away.

When it comes to dating and timing, you absolutely have to listen to your gut. I value the opinions of my friends, but this is one of those situations where you have to remind them that they may not know what to do if they were in your shoes. Sometimes it's very difficult to sit back and put aside your opinions about your friends' relationships. But remember whose life it is. While you may not always support their decisions, it's best to put those feelings aside, especially if they are genuinely happy.

You can have your own master plan about dating and what you want to do and when, and formulate the steps to get there. I'm just here to remind you that whatever powers that be will laugh at you and throw you a curveball.

You ready to catch?

For giggles, here is Thumper and Bambi learning what it is to be "twitterpated."