When Knowing is Enough

Between my best friend and Brother Bear, I've had many fainting couch talks about my love life. Most of the time, I'm asking questions like "what's wrong with me" or "why do I keep screwing this whole thing up" or "am I always going to make the same mistakes?" It has always been exasperated hyperboles about how everything is wrong. At last I leaned forward, and planting my feet on the ground away from the couch and made a declaration:

I just know.

Those three words are so powerful. I think they're more powerful than saying "I love you." When you hear "I love you," you don't always have confidence in the truth behind those words. Those three words are often said with one eye shut just to lessen the impact. Sometimes you just don't know.

With Philly, I know that there is something good here. There is a certain clarity whenever I see him.

Philly feels right. And this is such a poor segue from a truthful and endearing statement, but another reason I really know that this works is that I don't want to sleep with him...yet. We've been out a few times, and that temptation was certainly there, but with him I want it to be meaningful. It feels ridiculous to read that back, but forcing myself to enjoy our conversations and to savor our free nights together without needing to bring him home to show him how much he turns me on is a bigger adventure for me. My imagination is awakened at the thought of when and how, but I don't feel the need to give in to any primal urges. Really! At the moment, it's just more fun to think about it.

I never provided an origin story, and it feels appropriate this time. Everyone likes a "once upon a time" origin story, right?

On the online dating site where we met, each person can answer a set of questions, and see where one matches up with another poor soul resorting to the warped world of online dating. One of the questions is in terms of relationships, which of these is the most important to find:

• Someone you feel like you've known forever
• Someone who turns you on
• Someone for whom you would do anything
• Someone with goals similar to yours

Well, I do everything I can for those I cherish in my life, so that answer was out. The need for similar goals sounded too Type A. And being the adventurer, I would rather spend my time getting to know someone; I don't necessarily need to feel like I've known my match forever. That's why I'm here, trying this online dating thing!

So I chose someone who turns me on. Chemistry: the bad boy of first dates, the immediate sensation of trying a new dish without relishing how it awakened my senses after I put down my fork. That's what I chose. Philly on the other hand chose the first answer: someone you feel like you've known forever.

I peered through his profile recently to revisit this question, and that's when I had an epiphany. I don't want someone to feed me dinner in a rush because I'm starving; I want someone who takes the time to remember how I like my steak (still mooing with extra salt and butter), and makes sure that it's prepared just right. I understand now that I too want someone who I feel like I've known forever.

There's only so much you can trust from reading an online dating profile. Most of my matches have followed the provided formula: answer the questions that are asked in the order in which they are asked, and leave room open for discussion. As for the men that usually message me? They only put their stats, and send me hook-up requests. Philly's caught my attention because he busted that mold. He wanted to put the "looking for" section on top, and the "about me" section on the bottom, rebelliously going against the order that was provided for him. He was witty and sarcastic, and it gave me clearance to do the same. That was definitely comforting.

(Re: Online dating)

When he talked about what he was looking for he said "if watching the sun rise on the beach and sleeping in before making pancakes the next morning sounds appealing to you, then message me." I know right? It is a ridiculous line, and in true form, I wanted to see if he could back that up. When I messaged him, I brought up a couple of things he said on his profile, but more importantly I argued that waffles were better than pancakes, all day everyday. He responded back and saw my point, but still disagreed, and here's what struck me: the only reason he logged back in was because he was going to deactivate his profile since he was getting no results. Then he saw my message, and held on to see if something could happen. A friend pointed out that it seems like a sign that things could not work in my favor. Who openly admits that his or her online dating profile isn't getting results? Well let me tell you. It's the worst kept secret out there, but really most of the time it doesn't work! That's why mine is still admittedly active.

Oh, and he went on to argue that you could stuff pancakes, mix craziness in there and it will all be good. Luckily, I had the perfect weapon in my arsenal. I send him this as a counterpoint (Ed. note: NSFW). As a result, he invited me out to tacos.

I should have paid attention. Clearly I needed to give my immediate attention the man who buys me tacos. Tacos are definitely the right way to my heart. Our last date wasn't the first time we shut down two places. We shut down the restaurant and the neighboring bar. I should have known then...

And so a few dates later, and a squee-inducing hour-long conversation, I was love drunk and invited him to my fire troupe's most recent show. He was all for it. Because of my chaotic work schedule, I had taken off a month to recoup and to be in tip-top shape for the troupe after it was all over. Couple the fact that I was nervous after a long hiatus, and that I was our troupe's entire second act, he actually showed up! I wasn't sure if I needed to throw up or light all of my stuff on fire while running to relieve myself of the nervous energy.

Throughout the night, he would check in with me and see how I was doing. Naturally I was in show mode (as I warned him I would be), and couldn't give him my foremost attention. Besides, there were enough scantily clad girls up on stage so I figured that would distract him till I came on. But he would find me each time and chat for a brief moment. Finally, my set was up. And I gave it my everything. It was so much fun to be back, and I had the equivalent of a runner's high afterwards. After rushing off stage and getting a much-needed class of water, I walked up to him and asked if he was having fun. He was floored. This show, along with my set, blew him away. And he was loving it.

This told me a few things: he could hang with my circus-type friends, he was okay with smoky bars, and women could wear next-to-nothing and he still looked at me like I was this enchanting princess, which one, gross, two, not even close. I was dripping fuel-laden sweat out of my face and had ash and soot on various parts of my body from my fire tools.

Him: "Wow. You were amazing! That was awesome!"

Me: "I'm so gross right now!...oh, and thank you!"

Derp.

He had to work early the next morning, so he couldn't stay. He complimented the other performers and the vendors on their work, and gave me a couple of kisses goodbye.

That is, of course, after he asked what my next week was looking like. And that weekend. Color me twitterpated.

After he left, I went to grab my belongings. Because I'm "that person," the first thing I searched for was my phone. When I unlocked it, I saw I had 5(!) missed text messages from him. Clearly, he didn't understand that "show mode" means "screw all else but the performers and making sure the audience gets a helluva show." To some that may be off-putting; then again, most of us have our phones glued to our hands, so while it was naïve of him to assume I had it on me all night, I cut him some slack

When I showed the text to Brother Bear, his face lit up and he gave me a brotherly kiss on the forehead. You better believe I had the biggest smile plastered across my face. The killer for me is that he called me gorgeous. Not hot. Not sexy. But gorgeous. I'm a girl and I read hard into that thing. It goes back to my struggle of wondering if men could learn to like the show girl along with my daytime self. He could. He is.

 And for once, I introduce him individually to all of my friends instead of throwing him like fresh meat to the wolves. Usually it's "guy I'm potentially going to bed with, here's everyone. Everyone: don't let him suffer if you're going to bite into him."  The Toymaker was joking that he's a keeper because Philly likes his art. In my mind I am doing this:

Instead of traversing into the unknown as a frightened stowaway, I'm beginning another journey. This time, I have a GPS signal. My castle is still secure. There is no Dragon to send away other suitors.

The drawbridge is open and I'm ready to let someone in.