It Could Have Been Worse...

Prepare yourself for copious amounts of analogies in this post.

This was, indeed, just a date. I hate saying this because it sounds so typical: he was...is...a really nice guy. He's just not right for me. No, he's not even "second date to see if it gets better" right for me. The worst part to me is that I think he is into this way more than I am.

We met at a restaurant five minutes close to where I live, just in case it was absolutely terrible.And no, he doesn't know that. His picture didn't lie. He was indeed very cute and well-kept. Then he opened his mouth. The first thought I had was, "he's just a kid." I know three years isn't a big difference in time, but for maturity and life experience, it really kinda is. I kept trying to give him a chance. He's got his act together, which is nice, I thought. And he's ambitious! But he kept talking. I assure you we had a great conversation. We went to a bar afterwards. I got a beer and he got a milkshake. Again, I kept trying to believe he was datable.

Here are the reasons he's not:
- His unhealthy obsession with anime and the fact that he told me point blank that he will change that (no, this is just a date, friend)
- The overuse of the word bro and every variation of bro in every other sentence ("we bro out" "my bros" "my main bro"). And he even alluded that I was like a bro.
- He admitted to liking loving the Twilight movie series.
- He is obsessed with Bridezillas
- He didn't walk me out after the date. HUGE letdown.

Call me mean but I am going to be conveniently busy for awhile. I don't know how to let him down easy. Again, we had a great conversation, but I feel like it was like any other conversation I could've had with my guy friends. That, and I need a man with a backbone. How did I describe this guy's personality to my friends? Remember my line last post about Dating Darwinism?

"If I was stuck on a life raft lost at sea with only one oar, I wouldn't want to be stuck with him. He'd hold us back from survival and would just annoy the tar out of me."

He could not and would not survive the wild terrain with me! The cruel beasts of nature would weaken him further and I would be left alone once again. There is a certain need to survive when you date. Don't get me wrong. I don't think I need to freeze my eggs at this point because of one bad date. He was polite, nice, and we had a great conversation. He just wasn't right for me.

So here we go again about what it is I need: a mix of an alpha male, ambitious, funny, well-kept but a little scruff is fine, family is important to him, positive, slightly nerdy, and adventurous.

Do you know how difficult this is to find online? I finally concluded that online dating is like shopping through a Victoria's Secret catalog. You see something interesting and cute, decide to buy it, wait for it to arrive with anxious anticipation, try it on, and it looks a lot better on paper than it does on you. And returning it is going to be a hassle no matter what.

So I have decided that online dating and organically meeting someone isn't working for me right now. I think the only way I'm going to meet my next great date is by accidentally setting him on fire. I think what I'm trying to say is that it's only going to be by chance, not force, that I meet the one. I've never been patient either. There are many things I am reassessing in my life right now, and this is definitely one of them.

One day, I will find my knight in hard leather, ready to take me on his motorcycle for ice cream after handing me a single pink rose, and telling me a Chuck Norris joke. In essence, a funny Jason Statham. Accent a perk, but not required.

I Awkwardly Date Just Like Everyone Else

I admit it.

I'm excited about my date on Thursday finally. I still have some jitters. I feel the need to, like any proud blogger, do some research on how to date.

I'm extremely nervous. We are going to a Japanese restaurant. Apparently he admires the culture. I am introducing him to the goodness of boba/bubble tea. And then I wonder, as I did before, about how to do my hair. Or if I should wear glasses or contacts. Or if I should dress up or dress down.

And the awkward dater in me asks the more hard-hitting questions: do I bring my own chopsticks? Will that impress him? Do I cut my swearing 25%? Is that enough? 

Yes, yes, I know BE YOURSELF, you say. But this date is different because I'm being forced completely outside of my comfort bubble. I usually enjoy this. But, as stated before, I did my research on online dating. It's basically safety first. My best friend knows where I will be. We have a code red abort signal. I am meeting him there. And I'm certain he's not a Nigerian money scam, so there will be no wiring of money in the future.

*sigh*

I will keep you updated. I want to be someone's second date. Not gonna lie.

"Describe Your Dating Fears in 1,200 Words or Less"

Online dating sites would hit a gold mine if they encouraged you to lay out your fears about online dating and dating in general. 

I got to hand it to men who attempt it. You're not like women in the sense that you don't know how to talk about yourselves, usually because women are constantly cutting you off. Or that you just never have to unless it's for an interview. I'm sure they wonder what's worse: trying to create the damn profile or having the guts to make that first move.

I recently went on a road trip with my best friend to celebrate the victory of conquering a chaotic work week. I adore my her quite simply for the fact that I don't know if anyone else could put up with my dramatic nature. Seriously, give that girl a medal for being so patient. She drove a whole two hours and listened to me gripe and overanalyze everything about online dating.

And I do mean everything. I want to punch myself for saying the following things:

"Well, do you ever see me standing next to a guy in a polo?"
"Why would a man think he's datable with usernames that include pimp, 69, or bro in it?"
"What am I? A mail order Asian bride? Why do the 45-year-old men in douche gear want me?"
"I don't see myself settling down. But I really want to. A dream is a wish your heart makes."

I assure you that none of these questions or statements were alcohol induced. The fact that I wasn't inebriated when I said those things saddens. It's difficult to admit the things in love you know you want, and the things you aren't sure of quite yet. Nobody likes being lonely. I conquered my fear of fire, but not that of loneliness. And I worry about rushing into the arms of another man. It's still worth noting that I kept my guard up pretty high with OGM. And as far as OGM is concerned, my gut was telling me that while I can't have him for long, it is possible for me to be with a good man.

So as I'm slouched in the seat of my best friend's car, salvaging the remnants of the first Slurpee of the day, I chattered on about how I feel about my date with Academy Boy. It was essentially a series of "what ifs." The worst part is that I know that is is just a date. My best friend kept rolling her eyes and telling me that I should just have fun. You don't have to tell me twice! Still, at 26-years-old when most of my peers are planning both wedding and baby showers, it's difficult not to want to date because you want to find your partner, not just to try on men like their pairs of jeans.

I never thought I would need to have a particular conversation with my best friend this soon in my life, let alone in a car with bright red sugar stains on my teeth. The topic came up of what would happen if things went particularly well and I ended up a Navy wife.

But then this whole concept of "settling" came up again. Would I be okay to pack up and move? Can I just up and leave everything I know behind and often? What about having children and exposing them to this kind of life? All of these questions were followed up with my inner child screaming obscenities. I can't possibly grow up. I won't fit in with Navy wives because I don't scrapbook ( I assume they scrapbook and only make babies. Someone prove me wrong). However, I thought that this would be a challenge...and I adore those. I would find a thrill in being forced out of my comfort zone, trying to meet new friends and learn about a new town. But I'd be forced to be lonely again...right?

One of the last conversations I had with OGM was about moving I told him that I honestly and truly believed that the only way I'll move is when and if I get married. Having that conversation with OGM made me feel like I didn't have enough ambition in my life, whereas he is willing to be a cowboy and travel where all the cattle thrives. Ever since I moved out of my ex's home (and awful home situation) a few years ago, my main focus has been about me having fun and taking in all that life has to offer.

Is this Dating Darwinism? Am I destined to not find the right man because I'm not aggressive enough in the concrete jungle? Do my strange hobbies indicate a lack of focus so strong that my ability to even think about being barefoot and pregnant just isn't possible? Can men sense that and run away to the next girly and fertile being they see? It's obvious that one of my dating woes is that men see me and don't think "long term love of my life."

Yes, that is what I want. I want what every girl wants: a man to look at me in the face, tongue ring, awkward jokes, crazy hobbies, snide comments, and all and still see a girl he can take home to mom and give flowers to just because. It really does hurt that I don't get that impression from men. I am more than just punch lines and quick-wit sarcasm. I can bake and I also enjoy wearing pearls and cardigans in addition to studs and leather jackets.

And here I have a date with someone who thinks I'm interesting and important enough to email back. A man who studied engineering at a prestigious military school, who's working hard to be a pilot. I am but a picture in a catalog, filled with countless other women who find it difficult to meet men organically. Underneath the surface of the girl cheerily tying on a pair of ice skates, is a girl scared to put her guard down because she fears no one will want to be the ice to her fire. Someone who fears she won't be good enough for him or someone like him.

But I will meet with Academy Boy, chopsticks in hand, ready to plot zombie defenses. I will introduce him to boba smoothies and perhaps he can entertain me with academy tales. All the while, in the back of my head will be the fears: rejection, not being good enough to mention to mom, being too odd even though I will be myself. A girl like me typically doesn't end up with men like him.

And then a glimmer of hope. I read this on his online dating profile and it made me feel better. It made me feel as if maybe I shouldn't be too quick to judge or over analyze. Trust me, I do both quite well.

"Don't worry if you're interested a little and the complete opposite of what I ranted about above because no one knows who they might end up with in the end anyway, right?" 

Wow. If he's right about that, let's see if he's right about me. 

Would you guess that I didn't know what to wear?

So I have another first date.

This Thursday. I am more nervous about this one. I knew OGM and we had history from before. So that made the getting to know you part easy to avoid. This guy? This guy I am meeting as a result of online dating.

A little bit about him:
- Went to the Naval Academy
- Studying to become a pilot
- From Arkansas
- 6'3"

So what does this mean? The pessimist in me is thinking he's cocky like Maverick from Top Gun, going to be a little too Southern for my Yankee-like brashness, and will look like King Kong when he stands next to my petite frame. The optimist in me says he's tall, ambitious, and could have a sweet Southern disposition.

This is me over analyzing again. I over analyzed so much I did some Facebook recon. I will say...it's a bit worrisome that his profile isn't private (no, I will not post his link). His pictures don't reveal that he's too much of a party animal. He has pretty friends though. Male and female. I guess the way I can look at this is that he is an open book, and not just saying that like all the other online dating profiles I've found.

He suggested we meet Thursday "so he could have something to look forward to at the end of the week." Is he too charming? Or charming enough? After all, he wants to discuss zombie literature over milkshakes. MILKSHAKES! Who suggests that as a first date? Only someone like me, who would appreciate such a thing. Lest we forget I'm not most girls.

I have to remind myself that it's only just a date. Nothing more, nothing less...yet. But yes, I too look forward to meeting someone new at the end of the week. I'll let you know what happens, for sure! In the meantime, here is Blink 182's "First Date."

And I will call him E because milkshake boy and sailor don't sound that attractive. Gonna be honest, until I meet him face-to-face, I don't think I will be attracted to him. But that's another blog post.