"Describe Your Dating Fears in 1,200 Words or Less"

Online dating sites would hit a gold mine if they encouraged you to lay out your fears about online dating and dating in general. 

I got to hand it to men who attempt it. You're not like women in the sense that you don't know how to talk about yourselves, usually because women are constantly cutting you off. Or that you just never have to unless it's for an interview. I'm sure they wonder what's worse: trying to create the damn profile or having the guts to make that first move.

I recently went on a road trip with my best friend to celebrate the victory of conquering a chaotic work week. I adore my her quite simply for the fact that I don't know if anyone else could put up with my dramatic nature. Seriously, give that girl a medal for being so patient. She drove a whole two hours and listened to me gripe and overanalyze everything about online dating.

And I do mean everything. I want to punch myself for saying the following things:

"Well, do you ever see me standing next to a guy in a polo?"
"Why would a man think he's datable with usernames that include pimp, 69, or bro in it?"
"What am I? A mail order Asian bride? Why do the 45-year-old men in douche gear want me?"
"I don't see myself settling down. But I really want to. A dream is a wish your heart makes."

I assure you that none of these questions or statements were alcohol induced. The fact that I wasn't inebriated when I said those things saddens. It's difficult to admit the things in love you know you want, and the things you aren't sure of quite yet. Nobody likes being lonely. I conquered my fear of fire, but not that of loneliness. And I worry about rushing into the arms of another man. It's still worth noting that I kept my guard up pretty high with OGM. And as far as OGM is concerned, my gut was telling me that while I can't have him for long, it is possible for me to be with a good man.

So as I'm slouched in the seat of my best friend's car, salvaging the remnants of the first Slurpee of the day, I chattered on about how I feel about my date with Academy Boy. It was essentially a series of "what ifs." The worst part is that I know that is is just a date. My best friend kept rolling her eyes and telling me that I should just have fun. You don't have to tell me twice! Still, at 26-years-old when most of my peers are planning both wedding and baby showers, it's difficult not to want to date because you want to find your partner, not just to try on men like their pairs of jeans.

I never thought I would need to have a particular conversation with my best friend this soon in my life, let alone in a car with bright red sugar stains on my teeth. The topic came up of what would happen if things went particularly well and I ended up a Navy wife.

But then this whole concept of "settling" came up again. Would I be okay to pack up and move? Can I just up and leave everything I know behind and often? What about having children and exposing them to this kind of life? All of these questions were followed up with my inner child screaming obscenities. I can't possibly grow up. I won't fit in with Navy wives because I don't scrapbook ( I assume they scrapbook and only make babies. Someone prove me wrong). However, I thought that this would be a challenge...and I adore those. I would find a thrill in being forced out of my comfort zone, trying to meet new friends and learn about a new town. But I'd be forced to be lonely again...right?

One of the last conversations I had with OGM was about moving I told him that I honestly and truly believed that the only way I'll move is when and if I get married. Having that conversation with OGM made me feel like I didn't have enough ambition in my life, whereas he is willing to be a cowboy and travel where all the cattle thrives. Ever since I moved out of my ex's home (and awful home situation) a few years ago, my main focus has been about me having fun and taking in all that life has to offer.

Is this Dating Darwinism? Am I destined to not find the right man because I'm not aggressive enough in the concrete jungle? Do my strange hobbies indicate a lack of focus so strong that my ability to even think about being barefoot and pregnant just isn't possible? Can men sense that and run away to the next girly and fertile being they see? It's obvious that one of my dating woes is that men see me and don't think "long term love of my life."

Yes, that is what I want. I want what every girl wants: a man to look at me in the face, tongue ring, awkward jokes, crazy hobbies, snide comments, and all and still see a girl he can take home to mom and give flowers to just because. It really does hurt that I don't get that impression from men. I am more than just punch lines and quick-wit sarcasm. I can bake and I also enjoy wearing pearls and cardigans in addition to studs and leather jackets.

And here I have a date with someone who thinks I'm interesting and important enough to email back. A man who studied engineering at a prestigious military school, who's working hard to be a pilot. I am but a picture in a catalog, filled with countless other women who find it difficult to meet men organically. Underneath the surface of the girl cheerily tying on a pair of ice skates, is a girl scared to put her guard down because she fears no one will want to be the ice to her fire. Someone who fears she won't be good enough for him or someone like him.

But I will meet with Academy Boy, chopsticks in hand, ready to plot zombie defenses. I will introduce him to boba smoothies and perhaps he can entertain me with academy tales. All the while, in the back of my head will be the fears: rejection, not being good enough to mention to mom, being too odd even though I will be myself. A girl like me typically doesn't end up with men like him.

And then a glimmer of hope. I read this on his online dating profile and it made me feel better. It made me feel as if maybe I shouldn't be too quick to judge or over analyze. Trust me, I do both quite well.

"Don't worry if you're interested a little and the complete opposite of what I ranted about above because no one knows who they might end up with in the end anyway, right?" 

Wow. If he's right about that, let's see if he's right about me.