Recycling Terrible Dating Advice

That is what magazines do.

A lot of my friends don't believe me, but I sincerely read most women's magazines targeting to my demographic (18-26 female, entry-level job, vivacious, independent, animal lover) for the make-up and fashion. I'm girly! I swear like a sailor, but I can put lipstick on too dammit!

But my recent "special edition" of Glamour had me and my room mate tilting our heads in disbelief. I momentarily considered cancelling my subscription, like I did with Cosmopolitan. Seriously Cosmo sex advice articles read like Mad Libs:

Lick his (noun) and (verb) his penis for the (adjective) sex ever!

I couldn't deal anymore. And that's how I felt about this Glamour special. First of all, it features the Kardashian sisters. Secondly, it mentions them every twenty pages or so. And on top of that, they give "necessary dating tips and advice for the best new year!" Um, no. What do I have against the Kardashians? Everything. However, giving credit where credit is due: they're very savvy business women (even though many of their methods seem morally corrupt). I digress.

I was flipping through, getting glimmers of hope. I saw a beautiful photoshoot involving an Aprilla bike (you know me and my motorcycle men). Then a Kardashian article. I would find a heartwarming story about a woman who overcomes adversity...followed by terrible dating advice.

So Jax (not so) Single Girl: What makes it terrible? 

Let's start with He Loves You: He Loves You Not. Six Ways to Tell Whether He is Into You (or Ever Will be). Okay, the demographic switched from what I wrote up above to 18-26 lonely girl, desperate for marriage, cat owner, entry-level worker, dependent, low in self-esteem. What killed me what the ever will be part. Really? Because last time I checked (and I am a true testament to this) everybody dates differently. And people fall in love right away, or much later. But to rely on six tips which really are suggestions (the demographic I just described will see them as facts) is just naive. Here they are:

1. Are you his plus one?
2. Does he call (not just text)?
3. Does he listen when you talk?
4. Is he close (very close) with lots of women?
5. Is he introducing you to everyone he knows?
6. Can you tell he's thinking about you when you're not around?

If you are smart, vivacious, and independent, you understand why I am absolutely floored, offended, and appalled by these "insights." Let's delve deeper.

Are you his plus one? Natasha Burton, coauthor of The Little Black Book of Red Flags (there's a joke about a desperate girl somewhere in that title), states that if he's invited to an event and he's not asking you to come around, that's a bad sign. Well, not necessarily. I really believe that your significant other really can be the only one involved in your relationship. I may not want to introduce him to my group of friends at a wedding because...well, why torture him by bringing him somewhere he doesn't want to be? I might even be sparing his sanity! It's a very general statement. Maybe he owned a favor to a gal pal and ended up being her date to the wedding. Did you just scream WHAT THAT'S JUST NOT RIGHT?! Well guess what: I was that girl. My best friend guy friend just started dating my best friend (weird huh), and he didn't want to put her in the awkward situation of meeting family. At a wedding. So I did him one and offered to join the festivities. See? Two years later, they're strong and there's no harm done.

Does he call (not just text)? Really, I don't have time to listen to your voice on the phone all the time. Once again, I am an independent, busy, vivacious woman. So my lightning-speed digits can text you just fine. What difference does it make if I ask you how your day was on the phone as opposed to texting you, especially if the answer is the same? Don't get me wrong, I like hearing CSB's voice. But I think the problem here is that a girl may expect a man to call her from now on. And why fix something that ain't broken right? Because according to this article, if a guy is really into you, he's going to want to hear how you're doing and the sound of your voice. Haven't we learned? Men are simpletons. Very few are Casanovas, and even if they were, we'd be highly suspect. I'm tickled when CSB texts me! If he calls? That's good too, but it's not better. The simple act of wanting to contact me is what makes me smile.

Does he listen when you talk? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Again, men a simpletons. And they can only focus on one task at a time. Apparently if he's really into me, he'd be interested on my thoughts on everything  because "he cares about your opinions and how you formed them." How I formed my opinions? Here's how opinions are formed: I saw/heard something. I had thoughts about it. I said something. Boom: there's you're opinion. Besides, men REAL men listen to you without you needing to read between the lines. It should be fairly obvious if he's not listening. If XBOX Live is happening, it's game over for you cupcake. Don't even count on him to know you're there. But if you offer to make out with him and he doesn't move, you oughta be worried. However, I have faith that most men would drop the head set and controller to get a hand on your girl bits.

Is he close (very close) with lots of women? Okay, back to my best guy friend. I'm not saying he's the only exception to this. There really are a lot of men out there who do have a lot of lady friends (in the most non-biblical way). It works the other way too: I have many guy friends. In fact, if my best guy friend didn't keep me around, he wouldn't have met my best friend and no romance would have blossomed! And really, sometimes, a girl needs that neutral "guypinion." That's why some women keep men like him around. And often, what Daddy can't fix, a guy friend can, especially if she is a single girl with no other man to rely on. This screams low self-esteem and self-worth. CSB has many lady friends. I met a couple of them. I don't feel threatened. I even danced with a couple of them over the weekend, and they were nice! His best friend is a girl, who I also met. It's all about keeping the line of communication open. If you're a single lady and get bent out of shape when he mentions his chick friends, you don't need to be in a relationship, since you know...those things are kinda built on trust. When should you feel threatened? When your calls aren't returned because he's always with her and you never see her, let alone see them together...pretty obvious, right?

Is he introducing you to everyone he knows? This was my favorite one. "If you're meeting his friends, neighbors, relatives, and loved ones, it's a strong sign he sees you as part of his whole life (not just your sex life)." Did a 20-year-old intern with no life experience write this? To be fair, I met CSB's neighbor, but neither of us went out of our way for an introduction. And as I said before, sometimes, the only people who really matter in the relationship are you and him, because as long as no one is getting hurt or being reckless, there really need to be anyone else to revel in your love...or whatever it is. And maybe it's blind faith, but I do have hope, and male insight from my guy friends, that unless he really wants to get to know you, he will let you know he's only there to tap it like a maple tree. Let's go back to OGM for a moment. We had that talk about his moving and the state of our dating. It was pretty understood that this was going to be a summer fling, and nothing but. Yet we talked about it. If you're gonna keep your legs open, you gotta keep your mouth (and mind) open as well.

Finally, Can you tell he's thinking about you when you're not around? The answer, for me, is another question: Do I really care? I have my own life and expect him to have his. I am a busy bee doing things for myself and others, that really, all I ask for is something simple: remember I exist, show me you like that I'm with you, and we're good. And to be perfectly honest this song, this song, and this song came into my head when I read that question (The 80's were an awesome time for stalker songs). It's a sweet gesture thinking that I've been running through his mind all day, but an even greater gesture would be to say hey let's spend time together tonight because I like being with you. And the article does go on to say that it's a good thing if he sees something in the wild that he thinks you'll like and he mentions it to you. Well, duh Becky.

Am I being unfair about this article? Maybe, but I do understand that it's difficult to bake cookie-cutter dating advice for women in this demographic. We're all learning what we're capable of and what it is that we want. We're all in this adventure where we're learning how to get the best out of life has to offer. But I wish these writers would have a little more faith in their readers. It should be fairly obvious when someone isn't into you. And if I may offer you my own piece of unsolicited advice for your dating ventures? You guessed it: listen to your gut. It never lies. It's risky but that's what love and dating is. Maybe there are girls out there who needed to read this advice. But don't make it the only advice.

It Comes Down to This New Adventure

I believe it's safe to say that CSB and I are officially a couple. He shows up to all my fire shows. He always reaches for a kiss. He always asks me what it is I want to do. And he simply wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him. This is such a great feeling!

But what, you ask, does that mean about the state of this blog? Well just because I'm not technically single anymore, it doesn't mean that I won't have any future adventures with CSB! With each new date and lover I've been with, I have encountered a new set of lessons, whether it has to do with life or love. OGM taught me what I'm willing to settle for. Academy Boy taught me that online dating isn't for the weak at heart.

And CSB? Well, I have had to learn how to accept being adored. I know it sounds odd, but truly I am not used to being so desired, at least in the non-sexual sense. I've either dealt with the mundane schedule of doing a,b, and c, or having the pleasure of being with a phantom boyfriend. What's that, you ask. You know when your friends ask about your boyfriend and they know ALL about him but they never see him? That is what we call a phantom boyfriend.And as stated earlier, I've also had to define what the line is between a completely physical relationship and something more meaningful and deserving.

In any event I will always have something to talk about. I will always have casual observances on dating. I will continue to enlighten your day with little stories about the crazy ways I fall in love. From my many conversations with friends, I  totally understand now that everyone falls in love differently and falls into relationships differently. I have always thought that by sharing my stories, it would help me further understand what I require, what I refuse to settle for, and then hopefully help you, my readers, reach the same little epiphanies that I do with my single girl adventures.

In the meantime, I will continue to enjoy my midnight dates, have deep, insightful conversations about fate and coincidence in a crowded club, laugh at his ridiculous laugh, and enjoy myself being happy with someone else who is happy with me. Because isn't that what it's all about anyway?

 

Things We Forget: #778

Things We Forget: #778: lexington avenue, new york.

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Fear of Falling

My best friend laughed at me one recent morning and said in so many words, you are so gung ho with everything in your life, but why are you so cautious and weird when it comes to dating?"

I guess I must have had donut-glazed eyes and have been gliding around in a hazy disposition when she saw me. My heart is still a'flutter with the possibilities of my adventure with CSB. I find myself giggling when I usually have a boisterous, sea-parting laugh. I'm watching romantic French movies on my small 25-inch screen TV (reading subtitles is difficult on such a small screen!). I have been listening to songs that send lightning through my veins because I want to duplicate the way I feel whenever I'm with him (romantic heroin? Ugh, that sounds awful...). 

Let's be real here: I haven't exactly taken the straightest path to dating enlightenment. And I do think about it often. What DOES make me so scared of plunging all-in for love? Anything new is scary, and that's exactly what this experience is. We haven't had "that talk" of what we are, but I have made it clear that I'm not some girl he can just hook up with and leave me on the side, which he responded well to on more than one occasion. Breakfast after sex is usually a good indicator of being in some semblance of a relationship, right? I like where this is going, so why force it?


This is why falling in love is so scary for me. Of course I understand there is always a risk in love. Yes, that little, one syllable four-letter word:  

Love.

I've accepted that I have fallen in love with a man I barely know. How can my heart know that this is something good, but my brain is saying, slow your roll, homegirl? You're being foolish! Yet we can make love all night and go out to breakfast in the morning and continue to enjoy learning about each other. Do you understand how awesome that is? And because that's awesome, I'm afraid something as silly as my insecurity about this situation will ruin it. Does that make sense? Because I have to ask myself too if I'm in love with an idea I'm afraid of losing...

And he has this creepy Tom Cruise "I'm in love with Katie Holmes" crazy laugh. He smokes. But you know what? I don't care. I like him in spite of those things! We were at a club on a recent weekend and he was making me laugh with his adventurous spirit. It was crowded and when people would bump into him, he'd yell something absurd like WE'RE SWINGERS! I guess most girls would balk and run away, but I laughed! It was just so ridiculous. And we were outside talking to our friends and he was going to get a drink at the bar. I told him I'd stay out. He looked at me with his beautiful blue eyes and said, "come with me. It will be an adventure."

On another recent occasion, I received a text message from him. Here's how the conversation went:

Him: So your friend asked me about you tonight.
Me: Ok. Who?
Him: So and So's girlfriend
Me: Oh ok! Well, what did you say?
Him: That we're getting married next week. Best to thrive on awkwardness
Me: Be still my beating heart. Since this is short notice, I'll pick catering...the hot dog cart. Our friend can officiate as well!
Him: Haha! :)

Okay, I really, really may have met my match.  And I don't want this to end. He is this intriguing individual. And when I think back on how this all started it's such a wonderful story that I don't want to end. From watching afar, doe-eyed and scared to make my presence known, to asking a magician to pull the right card from his stack. From late night text messages to midnight rendezvous into a whole new world. From late mornings under a down comforter to waking up with him and the adorable dog who chewed my shoes.

I know often times in my posts I say that I'm ready for something serious, something real, not something to pass the time. But I have to laugh at my naiveity. Because it wouldn't be the first time a story started out as a simple series of amusing events, something "not serious." Over time, these events can continue to play out as a series of misadventures which become incredibly mundane, or they can develop into greater adventures that collect and resonate with time, creating new and wonderful beginnings. So far, I can say that we've both kept up with each other. There's that fun little thing called The Chase, and it's been fun playing hide and go seek with a worthy opponent.

When I was younger, I always lived by the words, "labels are for cans," and as I've gotten older, I applied this phrase to relationships. As a result, I've gotten burnt. The boys would either take advantage of my carefree nature and completely forget I exist, or they would see it as an opportunity to let me know they're only here for a good time. I also suppose that is another reason for my fears. But the funny thing is that I was super cautious with OGM and my ex before him. I didn't dare think, let alone utter the word "love" when each one invaded my life. Then this man enters my world, full speed, without a warning label, and I'm in love. You can't help who you fall for or how hard you fall, I've learned.

What a good friend did tell me is that I can control the way I handle it. I kind of laughed, but it's worth trying. Being cautious has saved me from being totally hurt, but it has kept me from something I so believe I deserve. So long as he continues to show up unexpectedly to see me at work, text me nonsense at midnight, and hold my hand on our way to a bar excursion, I won't complain. I will relish falling in love. If I can free fall 10,000 feet from a rickety plane with a stranger on my back, I can fall headfirst and heart first into this crazy little adventure called love.

Girlfriend Wanted

This is from Matthew Grey Gubler's blog. You may better recognize him as Dr. Spencer Reid on Criminal Minds.

I love everything about this! I will highlight the key points in which I think are pretty much about me. 

girlfriend wanted

must love decorating for holidays
mischief
kissing in cars
and wind chimes

no specific height*
weight
hair color
or political affiliation required
but would prefer a warm spirited non racist

cynics
critics
pessimists
and “stick in the muds” need not reply

voluptuous figures a plus
any similarity in look, mind set, or fashion sense to
mary poppins
claire huxtable
snow white
or elvira wholeheartedly welcomed

i am dubious of actresses, felons, and lesbians
but don't want to rule them out entirely
must be tolerant of whistling
tickle torture
james taylor
and sleeping late

i have a slight limp
eerily soft hands
and a preternatural love of autumn

I once misinterpreted being called a coal-eyed dandy as a compliment when it was intended as an insult
I wiggle my feet in my sleep
am scared of the dark
and think the Muppet's Christmas Carol is one of the greatest films of all time

all i want is
butterfly kisses in the morning
peanut butter sandwiches shaped like a heart
and to make you smile until it hurts

Well sign me up!  *I'm 5'2" so this is always good to hear

World...I introduce to you, Coffee Shop Boy

I may have met my goofy match. Maybe. At least it's fun for now. I still don't know where this is going, but if there's more of this, I really won't complain.

I'm Only Going to Say this Once

Mindy Kaling totally has it right. Older men are where it's at.

Seriously. They know how to take care of a woman in every way that a woman knows how to be taken care of.

This is where I'm going to let your imagination take charge.

Still, I must say that CSB isn't without his flaws. But then again, who isn't? He goes out often (days that end in Y) and he smokes. But once again, I only have a handful of need that need to be met: treat me well, make me laugh, have your act together. So far, he is meeting all three of my needs. So why fight it?

I would be lying if I said I didn't struggle with myself a bit. Was this too fast too soon? I had to (and continue to) remind myself that I typically don't do the straight and narrow very well. Of course it shouldn't be an excuse for absolute excess and debauchery. I am sincerely having to force myself to enjoy this and go with the flow. I try not to focus on the what ifs: what if he's stringing me along? What if this is just something to pass the time for him?

But all signs are pointing the other way. My past experiences with The Chase have often led me to the same conclusion: there are always risks involved, and with each adventure, every dating experience becomes a little bit better. Like everyone else trying to enjoy some time with potential someone special, I worry that it may not work out. Because it's going so damn well. And if I haven't made it clear enough, I really want this to work out. It would be foolish if I didn't at least admit that I'm not sure if I'm going about it the right way. A lot of my actions with CSB are quite unorthodox. I believe if I took the more conservative approach, we wouldn't be at this point. Either method I would take, I know that I want to keep CSB in my life.

But more than that, I want to believe that he wants me in his life as well.

But I'm observing behaviors from CSB that I can't help but relish. Last night he was telling me he offered to fix the coffee shop owner's bike. Why? Because CSB wants him to experience the thrill of a simple ride again. Wow. I thought that was extremely admirable. That nugget made him much sexier than I could have anticipated. He even texted me a picture of the owner on his bike, content with the selfless gesture from CSB. On top of this,he is also incredibly intent and focused on school, no matter the surroundings.


But when he moves his focus on me? It's quite difficult to put into words. In keeping with the theme of our adventure, the best way I can describe it is magic. He moves me in ways that I didn't imagine possible. And I've only known this man for a week! ONE WEEK! Last night, we spent the good part of two hours in his house YouTubing music we love. And he gazed at me across his bed as I sang Regina Spektor and introduced him to She & Him. I'm so impressed with you, he whispered to me. He warmed my stomach with his hands all night. He played with my hair. He nibbled on my legs. If this talk isn't making you want to make babies, I don't know what will.

Slowly we began to intertwine. He whispered directions in my ear. Said my name. Pulled my hips and leaned in with each kiss. He even asked me if I was okay and if there was anything else he could do to make me feel better. I assure you I was feeling quite fantastic. We were up all night, doing this dance. After a warm embrace, he moved my body and tucked me in. Where did I find this man?

I have to wonder: if I notice all these amazing things about him, what can I offer? Do I have what it takes to give him what he wants or needs? Because I know I have a lot to give. Does he want what I have, more than just a strong physical connection? I hear the echos of my friends ringing in my ear: Just enjoy it. I definitely am! But it's difficult and foolish to admit that I want something more from this. Of course I would. Everyone loves getting extra dessert! I look forward to more midnight adventures with CSB. I must admit: I love that this chase is working both ways.

"You Need a Man, Not a Boy"

So says Mindy Kaling, better known as Kelly Kapoor on NBC's The Office.

My best friend and room mate peeked into my recent issue of Glamour Magazine and pointed out the excerpt from Kaling's upcoming book, "Is Everyone Hanging out Without Me? (And Other Concerns)."  My best friend was convinced that I could have written this portion of her memoir. And perhaps, I may even be living it. The Amazon.com review says that this book features "a tour of her life and her unscientific observations on romance, friendship, and Hollywood, with several conveniently placed stopping points for you to run errands and make phone calls."

I adore Ms. Kaling. She describes herself as a bit of an anti-hero for giving advice. She says, " I’m not married, I frequently use my debit card to buy things that cost less than three dollars, and... I’m kind of a mess." But she's accomplished her goals of being an actress and a writer, which gave her the confidence to tell women everywhere that dating men isn't a terrible thing. In fact, she equates it to freshly ground peanut butter. Where is this woman and why aren't we chatting via email?

You guessed it, I was sold.

I have always been a sucker for celebrity memoirs. Who else could have such wonderful and absurd observations of life? I've found that those who write memoirs do so for people like me: The curious, the observant, the zest-for-lifers.

So I started to read what Mindy had to say. Kaling mentioned something about being scared shitless of men. Why? Well, because men know what they want. They're strategists. They own watches and actually look at theml. Basically they were everything that Kaling felt she was not. But haven't we all been there?

I've been asked about what I look for in a man. Lately, especially after a few bad dates, I've learned that what I want is rather simple: a funny man who treats me well and has his shit together. Looks don't totally matter, but I'd be lying if I said they didn't bear some importance. You're only so much of a good man till I see your double chin...s.I'm not saying I have everything together at 26. However, I'd love to spend some time with people who look clever enough to be living like a real grown-up! I write this as I stare at my Hello Kitty metal lunchbox. Clearly, being a responsible adult is a clever disguise for me.

I could totally relate to Mindy. She claimed that up until she was 30, all she was dating were boys. What's her definition of boys?

Boys can pack up their whole life and move to Brooklyn for a gig if they need to. Boys have “gigs.” Boys are broke. And when they do have money, they spend it on a trip to Colorado to see a music festival.

Here's where I run into the issue of finding a man with a sense of adventure. Most guys who are adventurous are broke as a result of their excursions. Beer festivals aren't cheap, ladies. She goes on to talk about a the first "real man" she dated at 25. I'm tickled by the fact that she gave him the code name of Peter Parker. Spiderman's alter ego was apparently this intimidating, condescending jerk who, like most males out there, dishes out unsolicited advice.

SIDENOTE: If I have any male readers, please listen. When a lady wants to vent to you, you just sit there and listen. Don't offer to fix things because that's what she wants her best friend to do. You stand there, give her a drink, look pretty, hug her, tell her she's pretty, and you'll have the most effortless time dealing with her nonsense. Do we like to admit this? No. But men, I just saved you half an hour of listening to her pointless and painful crying and yelling, and spared you the risk of being at fault for her silly, girly emotions.

Back to the awesomeness that is Mindy Kaling.

She went on to say that while he was a jerk, she admired that he didn't shy away from commitment. Here's where I really started to want to read on. She assured me, the curious reader, that this isn't one of those books where she's going to vent about men and their fear and lack of commitment. Instead, she says that she admires that Parker, and other men, commit to things. She "wants a man who is entrenched in his own life." Wow...never thought of it that way. But I suppose it goes with what people have always said. You can't love another until you love yourself. The same can be said for commitment. If one can't commit to any one thing, who's to say that he or she can't commit to you and your needs?

But that's what makes this experience with Coffee Shop Boy so endearing. While I did give him the simple moniker of Coffee Shop Boy, he's pretty much a man. He is committed to buying a house. Two even! He owns his car and his motorcycle. He dresses well and does his homework at a coffee shop on his laptop, refusing to be swayed by the activity all around him. He won't even let the almighty Internet take him off task! That's right. I peeked over his shoulder a few times the nights I saw him. Not once did he check YouTube or Facebook for any nonsense. I found it rather attractive.

I'm curious to read about what else Ms. Kaling has to say about men and dating. I truly am at the point in my life where I'm ready to find a man who wants to take care of me, and who will let me take care of him too. I'm not going to go all domestic diva on him, but I look forward to the day when I help him decide if that sock really is black or blue. I want to learn how to tie his tie, so I can do it for him before he goes to work. All the while, I hope to explore life's little adventures, knowing that I can share them with the man who's grateful I helped him figure out if he chose the right colored socks.

"Is Everyone Hanging out Without Me (And Other Concerns)" will be available nationwide and online on November 1st. Here is the link to read the post on Glamour.com. You can also pick up the November issue at retailers everywhere.

All The Fun Stuff Happens After Midnight

Let's face it: even if this never develops, I will forever have this story about me and Coffee Shop Boy. And it's a good story! And here's the thing about good stories: the more they're retold, the more legendary they get.

I was out on a Saturday night, celebrating a friend's birthday...after celebrating another friend's birthday earlier in the day. I assure you, I was extremely tired. So after a few drinks to celebrate another joyous year, I decided it was definitely time to go home. I left the bar and started to walk towards my car. I parked a around the corner from the coffee shop. It was a lovely brisk night, and decided to grab a cup of coffee to go. Needed to warm my body and wake up a bit. I literally reach into my left pocket of my red trench coat when all of a sudden, I felt a buzz.

Who in the world would text me at midnight? Could it be? It was! It was Coffee Shop Boy! I was quite surprised...and all of a sudden not so tired. He asked what I was doing. Oh nothing. Just busy not being tired in the off chance you want to see me. And guess what? He did! He rode his beautiful Triumph from the other side of town to spend some time together. My caramel mocha wasn't calming my nerves or warming me up fast enough. So there I sat, for 15 minutes, enjoying a warm cup filling in my friends on the news of the evening. A million puppies couldn't encourage anymore squees than this news. Good thing I looked cute that night. With the exception of my heel on my boot being broken (which he politely and supposedly didn't notice until I brought it up), I was wearing a red trench coat, a floral skirt, and a turtleneck. Also, I had great hair. Everything was truly coming up roses.

Then there he was, one headlight flashing at me as I sat outside. Like a movie, he removed my helmet and suggested we have a drink or two with him. I really couldn't say anything about that being a bold statement. I'm the one who made a magician give him my phone number, after all. A drink at midnight with a complete stranger? Why not? At that moment, I felt my old, Asian mother yelling in my ear...something about strangers, only bad things happening at midnight, and all. But for some reason, it was okay. I truly believed I wouldn't end up in a ditch somewhere being mistaken for a mannequin.

He didn't have another helmet (which made me sad) so I followed him to a bar I've never been to before. He was even kind enough to wait for me after he ran a yellow light. I drive a car full of German engineering. He seriously underestimates me. So we enter this club where house music is playing. So far so good. I feel kind of foolish though, looking more polished than usual while everyone looks comfortable in club gear. I don't usually look this put together. In fact, my lack of leather and studs made me feel slightly naked. He orders me a Jaeger and Red Bull (no, he didn't ask if I drank Jaeger). I was shocked at his choice, but decided to go with it. What did I have to lose? I drove myself there and could leave if it got terrible. And then the real talk began.

Me: So I didn't scare you by way of magic tricks?
CSB: I was really impressed! I was in a seriously bad mood that day. My ex came in the shop, which was weird, and it made it worse. Next thing I know Andy is walking up to me saying he had to show me a trick.And somehow I have a girl's number in my hand. I failed the online math quiz I was working on three times because I've thought about you all night!
Me: Wow. Well I kind of figured at best you'd be flattered. I was scared to go through with it!
CSB: I'm glad you did though. You're cute. I was looking for you, but you left.

Cue this scene in my head.

I started laughing a little bit. I admitted I ran away just in case. I guess that added to my charm. But let's face it: most people would run away after simply thinking about being so bold to talk to a boy. I definitely needed to run away after going through with it! Now I'm the one who's flattered. More than anything, I was glad that he knew who I was after Andy mentioned a dark-haired girl who played with fire. Here's a tip: We're pretty much all brunettes.

We chatted over another drink. But it flowed naturally. And luckily for me, it was a cold night. He kept putting his hands on my face to warm them up. And eventually his nose on my neck. Have mercy...Oh, don't worry kids. I told him my boundaries. I called him out on being fresh. In fact, I think he might have liked it. He also introduced me to the bouncer who is also his friend. He was this short, troll-looking man with odd piercings and tattoos. Between magicians, fire friends, odd bouncers, and house music, I was feeling at home.

That night, I learned that CSB spent ten years in the Navy, did something involving ratios, is great at math (with the exception of the time I made him fail his math quiz), and has traveled all over the world, worked on planes in spite of having a fear of heights. He also owned two homes, and rents one of them out to some friends and is going to school for IT. What's that? Ten years? So how old is he? I'm 26...he's 33. So does age matter? Not when you're having fun! If he's not worrying about it, I won't either. After two drinks, he grabs my hand.

CSB: Let's go to Kickbacks.

This experience of being adventurous is very different on the other end. I'm usually the one prefacing every conversation with "I have an idea" or "Let's go on an adventure." This guy isn't prefacing anything. He's making me live it with him.

We showed up less than five minutes until the kitchen close and he randomly ordered us chili cheese fries. He unwrapped the silverware for me, and placed it neatly on my right side. Every now and then he would try to warm his nose. It was sweet. And throughout the night, I was glad I had great hair. He couldn't stop playing with it. Ladies, unless he's a creeper, you KNOW we love when men play with our hair. Every time I would pull it up, he'd pull out my hair tie. He said it looks much better down. Wow. How did we even get to this point, I wondered. So we chatted over some overly saturated fried food, and then it hit me:

It was almost 4 in the morning, and everything about this random date felt natural. He didn't try to get me in bed at this hour and I'd venture to say we both didn't want the evening to end. Still, he knew I was tired, grabbed my hand and helped me off a high-top stool. He lived around the corner from the late-night dinner, so we walked to his place where I parked my car. We hugged and said good night. He asked me to let him know when I got home. I couldn't stop smiling. I thanked him for everything. He took care of me that night...as much as one could be taken care of at midnight by taking a chance with a total stranger.

Once again, I proved to thine own self be true: I defied convention. Instead of thumbing through a catalog of random, uninteresting men online, meeting for drinks and forced conversation, I decided to take a huge risk and carve a dent into my destiny. Look, I don't know where this is going. But I like it anyway. Kerrie was right: trust your gut and you'll never fail.

Well, look at this...he still has my hair tie. And his nose is cold. I guess we're both fixing this problem very soon.

I have big hopes to hold on tight on a wintery evening.

Coffee Shops are Where the Magic Really Happens

I joked the other day that if I were a Playboy Centerfold, my bio sheet (yes, they really have those) would read "Bakes cupcakes, plays with fire, loves people watching, and defies convention."

Unless you're new to my blog, you understand that bad things happen when I try to date the normal way. When me and OGM started to date, it was nice because there were very little strings attached. It felt easy. That was also a problem. He didn't challenge me. He didn't leave me wanting more. That is, until he said he was leaving. You know what they say: You always want what you can't have.

So what, you ask, do coffee shops have to do with any of this? Well, this is a typical first date for many people. At best, you enjoy a good cup of coffee and conversation, along with ample people watching. At worst, you only spent $3.50 for a half-hour date that would've been worse had dinner been involved. For me, I've lived and seen all of these events. But I assure you, my coffee shop was much different than the your fancy la-ti-da coffee house that happen to be on every corner.

First of all, I am a fire performer who has done shows in front of the shop. There were LARPers who would meet once a week to continue a storyline. And the list of regulars reads like a very famous Billy Joel song. We frequently saw Frank the cop. The Foursquare Mayor was always in the house. Raven cruised by on his bicycle, clearly identified by his face tattoo. And most important to this whole story, Andy the Magician. Andy is one of those people I will always hold dear to my heart. It's difficult to find men with many stories to tell, salted and peppered with jokes, fatherly love, and sealed with magic. Andy is this man.

One recent evening, I was out on rollerblades testing them for fire tricks (for curious minds, it was not going well). I know Coffee Shop Boy rides a motorcycle: a beautiful orange Triumph. I know enough about bikes to get by in a conversation! I was skating towards him because traffic was not being kind. I finally found a free space. Sadly, so did he. He pulled in front of me, while I stumbled like a fool over rollerblades...and eventually my words.

Coffee Shop Boy: So you going to try it with fire?
Me: NOBUTIHAVEBEENCONSIDERINGIT

He smiled and walked inside to order a cup. I painstakingly pulled off the blades of shame, and hobbled over to my fellow fire friend. I complained about wanting to talk to him, but not knowing how. She shrugged, and honestly I can't blame her apathetic or unknowing reaction. Girl's married to the man who's been in her life for almost 10 years. One thing you'll learn as a single girl: Asking dating advice from people who've been with someone forever or who are married is just a waste of time. They're just as out of practice as you are. Hence, why trusting one's gut is the way to go. But we're getting there...

I saw Andy chatting with a few of his friends, gingerly playing with a deck of cards. This was a moment that most screenwriters want to capture. I inhaled sharply, eyes widened and told my friend I am going to have Andy perform a magic trick so that guy can have my number.

She, of course, stared because this is simply foreign to her. It's okay; I don't think anyone really knows how to properly make a pass at someone without fear of shame or rejection. I was going to win or fail guns a'blazing! My friend, Dave calmed my nerves and assured me with the following conversation:
"Either way you win. You grew the pair to do such a thing, so even if it doesn't work out, you've proven that you could do it. And if he's not flattered, like most men would be, he doesn't deserve you."

So I sighed, my heart pounding. I wasn't sure at this point if it was because of my nerves or because of the caffeine. But I skipped up to Andy and asked him a "silly question": can he do the card transfer trick so I can give CSB my phone number. Andy told me he would be honored, especially since he hasn't been asked to play cupid for awhile. He had my write my phone number on a blank card and explained he would do a transfer trick in which his name on a separate card and my phone number on a different card would combine. After I saw him walk towards him to perform this trick, a few things crossed my mind: Run, run fast, hide, and finally question what in God's name I just did.


At this point, my friends were outside laughing with me stating they'd never have the guts to do that. It's okay, I said. I'm used to working in extremes. I swear at that point I needed to run away. What if he isn't flattered? What if he finds out who I am and thinks no thanks? So many fears crossed my mind. Finally, I see Andy open the door, crouched over, taking long strides my way. Oh no, I thought. That's the "I have bad news" sulk.

Miraculously, he lifted his head, and a smile stretched his bushy mustache. With two hands giving me the signs for hang loose, he said, "He digs it!" I couldn't be any happier to hug an old Vietnam vet at that point. Andy said CSB was amazed with the trick and the fact that some girl would go that far to get his attention. And Andy, in his wonderful fatherly voice told him: "Hmm. Seems like you have a card now with the one girl's number in this whole entire coffee shop. So...you gonna call her?" And he said yes!

At this point I was hyperventilating like a silly school girl. Suddenly, a buzz in my left jacket pocket. Color me impressed! That was amazing :)

What's the lesson? Take a risk. You'll never know what will happen. Don't get me wrong. I still ran away to my car with a cheeky smile the whole drive home. I did that, I thought. Damn right I did that! To make this story even better, my fire friend's husband got a bag from his car from a recent trip they took to New Orleans. They found me a voodoo doll. For what? To help me find a good man. What impeccable timing. 

So what happens next? Questions of age and proper dating protocol. Let's just say midnight dates with someone you barely know aren't such a terrible thing.

Been Busy Not Dating

Every once in awhile when you're a single girl, you hear the phrase "It'll happen when you least expect it." I'm here to tell you that sometimes it's okay to give your destiny a little boost.

I went through a little slump. I dated another guy I met online. He was another sailor who was 23-years-old and worked on planes. And he was just as awkward. I was completely ready to give up on dating the minute he corrected the bartender on his beer knowledge AND fully admitted to cooking rabbit regularly. Ladies and gentleman: there are many things to not disclose on a first date. These are a few of them. Seriously, There are other ways to impress me. Humility and not cooking cute animals, for example. I was losing hope, especially since this was less than 15 minutes into our beer date. Thank God for good beer...

Luckily I've had other hobbies to distract me. I was growing weary of crying to God in my car, wondering why if I'm so great as people make me out to be, I'm still resorting to online dating and meeting weirdos. I know. I definitely just answered my own question there. The whole experience is exhausting. Like Audrey Hepburn said, "I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it."

Don't get me wrong. I am fully capable of being by myself and creating my own happiness, but I'm at the point in my life where I really want to share life's simple adventures with a wonderful man. And honestly, unless I really think outside the box, I'm not going to meet him. I just want a man to help me pick out paint samples and bake cupcakes for after we argue whether or not it's eggshell or ivory. Isn't that every girl's dream?!

Not going to lie, it gets kind of exhausting having the following conversation:

Well-intentioned human being: Oh wow, Jax Single Girl. Where's your boyfriend?
Me: What boyfriend?
Flustered well-intentioned human being: Oh, I was wondering where he was because I never see him!
Me: That's because there is no boyfriend.
Simply embarrassed individual: Oh...hope this wasn't awkward
Me: Not in the least.

As a result of my recent misadventures and awkward conversations, I've become the kind of girl who throws herself into a project. I've learned that when you're passionate about something, it can heighten your senses. That's right, baby. I was back in the jungle! And I also learned that when you're a regular somewhere, you see the same people over and over again, but by casually observing them, you learn something new about that place, the person, and even yourself.

Lately, for some reason, I was noticing this quiet, focused guy on his laptop. There are always many people on laptops farting around at coffee shops, but this one was different. He never got distracted by his surroundings. There would be a group of people sitting with him, and he'd pay them no mind. And yes, he is kinda cute. However, I was too distracted myself, trying to get my own work done to really worry about Coffee Shop Boy.

And then...he shows up at my workplace. It's funny how different people look in the daylight as opposed to being covered in the sheen of coffee steam and dim lights of night. I stammered doing the standard customer service speech to him. He was distracting. I found myself thinking about it even more. Since I wasn't in a state of disarray in my car in a well-lit public parking space crying to God, I thought He'd appreciate it if I calmly and logically asked Him a question: Should I be paying attention?

And why oh why, did I have to start tripping over myself  trying to talk to him? I talk to many good-looking (and not-so-good-looking men) everyday. How is this any different? I think that if God held out a long pointy stick at this point, He was poking me to get my attention. And once again, I thought of my conversation with a good friend about trusting my gut. I thought to myself that every time I have listened to my gut since the start of these dating adventures, it's been right.

So what happens now? I broke new ground, and it was completely worth it. Want to know more?

That's for the next post. For now, I'll leave you with this: Whether it's the aroma or the hoards of random activity, there is something about coffee shops that help you connect with people in ways you'd never imagine.

It Could Have Been Worse...

Prepare yourself for copious amounts of analogies in this post.

This was, indeed, just a date. I hate saying this because it sounds so typical: he was...is...a really nice guy. He's just not right for me. No, he's not even "second date to see if it gets better" right for me. The worst part to me is that I think he is into this way more than I am.

We met at a restaurant five minutes close to where I live, just in case it was absolutely terrible.And no, he doesn't know that. His picture didn't lie. He was indeed very cute and well-kept. Then he opened his mouth. The first thought I had was, "he's just a kid." I know three years isn't a big difference in time, but for maturity and life experience, it really kinda is. I kept trying to give him a chance. He's got his act together, which is nice, I thought. And he's ambitious! But he kept talking. I assure you we had a great conversation. We went to a bar afterwards. I got a beer and he got a milkshake. Again, I kept trying to believe he was datable.

Here are the reasons he's not:
- His unhealthy obsession with anime and the fact that he told me point blank that he will change that (no, this is just a date, friend)
- The overuse of the word bro and every variation of bro in every other sentence ("we bro out" "my bros" "my main bro"). And he even alluded that I was like a bro.
- He admitted to liking loving the Twilight movie series.
- He is obsessed with Bridezillas
- He didn't walk me out after the date. HUGE letdown.

Call me mean but I am going to be conveniently busy for awhile. I don't know how to let him down easy. Again, we had a great conversation, but I feel like it was like any other conversation I could've had with my guy friends. That, and I need a man with a backbone. How did I describe this guy's personality to my friends? Remember my line last post about Dating Darwinism?

"If I was stuck on a life raft lost at sea with only one oar, I wouldn't want to be stuck with him. He'd hold us back from survival and would just annoy the tar out of me."

He could not and would not survive the wild terrain with me! The cruel beasts of nature would weaken him further and I would be left alone once again. There is a certain need to survive when you date. Don't get me wrong. I don't think I need to freeze my eggs at this point because of one bad date. He was polite, nice, and we had a great conversation. He just wasn't right for me.

So here we go again about what it is I need: a mix of an alpha male, ambitious, funny, well-kept but a little scruff is fine, family is important to him, positive, slightly nerdy, and adventurous.

Do you know how difficult this is to find online? I finally concluded that online dating is like shopping through a Victoria's Secret catalog. You see something interesting and cute, decide to buy it, wait for it to arrive with anxious anticipation, try it on, and it looks a lot better on paper than it does on you. And returning it is going to be a hassle no matter what.

So I have decided that online dating and organically meeting someone isn't working for me right now. I think the only way I'm going to meet my next great date is by accidentally setting him on fire. I think what I'm trying to say is that it's only going to be by chance, not force, that I meet the one. I've never been patient either. There are many things I am reassessing in my life right now, and this is definitely one of them.

One day, I will find my knight in hard leather, ready to take me on his motorcycle for ice cream after handing me a single pink rose, and telling me a Chuck Norris joke. In essence, a funny Jason Statham. Accent a perk, but not required.

I Awkwardly Date Just Like Everyone Else

I admit it.

I'm excited about my date on Thursday finally. I still have some jitters. I feel the need to, like any proud blogger, do some research on how to date.

I'm extremely nervous. We are going to a Japanese restaurant. Apparently he admires the culture. I am introducing him to the goodness of boba/bubble tea. And then I wonder, as I did before, about how to do my hair. Or if I should wear glasses or contacts. Or if I should dress up or dress down.

And the awkward dater in me asks the more hard-hitting questions: do I bring my own chopsticks? Will that impress him? Do I cut my swearing 25%? Is that enough? 

Yes, yes, I know BE YOURSELF, you say. But this date is different because I'm being forced completely outside of my comfort bubble. I usually enjoy this. But, as stated before, I did my research on online dating. It's basically safety first. My best friend knows where I will be. We have a code red abort signal. I am meeting him there. And I'm certain he's not a Nigerian money scam, so there will be no wiring of money in the future.

*sigh*

I will keep you updated. I want to be someone's second date. Not gonna lie.

"Describe Your Dating Fears in 1,200 Words or Less"

Online dating sites would hit a gold mine if they encouraged you to lay out your fears about online dating and dating in general. 

I got to hand it to men who attempt it. You're not like women in the sense that you don't know how to talk about yourselves, usually because women are constantly cutting you off. Or that you just never have to unless it's for an interview. I'm sure they wonder what's worse: trying to create the damn profile or having the guts to make that first move.

I recently went on a road trip with my best friend to celebrate the victory of conquering a chaotic work week. I adore my her quite simply for the fact that I don't know if anyone else could put up with my dramatic nature. Seriously, give that girl a medal for being so patient. She drove a whole two hours and listened to me gripe and overanalyze everything about online dating.

And I do mean everything. I want to punch myself for saying the following things:

"Well, do you ever see me standing next to a guy in a polo?"
"Why would a man think he's datable with usernames that include pimp, 69, or bro in it?"
"What am I? A mail order Asian bride? Why do the 45-year-old men in douche gear want me?"
"I don't see myself settling down. But I really want to. A dream is a wish your heart makes."

I assure you that none of these questions or statements were alcohol induced. The fact that I wasn't inebriated when I said those things saddens. It's difficult to admit the things in love you know you want, and the things you aren't sure of quite yet. Nobody likes being lonely. I conquered my fear of fire, but not that of loneliness. And I worry about rushing into the arms of another man. It's still worth noting that I kept my guard up pretty high with OGM. And as far as OGM is concerned, my gut was telling me that while I can't have him for long, it is possible for me to be with a good man.

So as I'm slouched in the seat of my best friend's car, salvaging the remnants of the first Slurpee of the day, I chattered on about how I feel about my date with Academy Boy. It was essentially a series of "what ifs." The worst part is that I know that is is just a date. My best friend kept rolling her eyes and telling me that I should just have fun. You don't have to tell me twice! Still, at 26-years-old when most of my peers are planning both wedding and baby showers, it's difficult not to want to date because you want to find your partner, not just to try on men like their pairs of jeans.

I never thought I would need to have a particular conversation with my best friend this soon in my life, let alone in a car with bright red sugar stains on my teeth. The topic came up of what would happen if things went particularly well and I ended up a Navy wife.

But then this whole concept of "settling" came up again. Would I be okay to pack up and move? Can I just up and leave everything I know behind and often? What about having children and exposing them to this kind of life? All of these questions were followed up with my inner child screaming obscenities. I can't possibly grow up. I won't fit in with Navy wives because I don't scrapbook ( I assume they scrapbook and only make babies. Someone prove me wrong). However, I thought that this would be a challenge...and I adore those. I would find a thrill in being forced out of my comfort zone, trying to meet new friends and learn about a new town. But I'd be forced to be lonely again...right?

One of the last conversations I had with OGM was about moving I told him that I honestly and truly believed that the only way I'll move is when and if I get married. Having that conversation with OGM made me feel like I didn't have enough ambition in my life, whereas he is willing to be a cowboy and travel where all the cattle thrives. Ever since I moved out of my ex's home (and awful home situation) a few years ago, my main focus has been about me having fun and taking in all that life has to offer.

Is this Dating Darwinism? Am I destined to not find the right man because I'm not aggressive enough in the concrete jungle? Do my strange hobbies indicate a lack of focus so strong that my ability to even think about being barefoot and pregnant just isn't possible? Can men sense that and run away to the next girly and fertile being they see? It's obvious that one of my dating woes is that men see me and don't think "long term love of my life."

Yes, that is what I want. I want what every girl wants: a man to look at me in the face, tongue ring, awkward jokes, crazy hobbies, snide comments, and all and still see a girl he can take home to mom and give flowers to just because. It really does hurt that I don't get that impression from men. I am more than just punch lines and quick-wit sarcasm. I can bake and I also enjoy wearing pearls and cardigans in addition to studs and leather jackets.

And here I have a date with someone who thinks I'm interesting and important enough to email back. A man who studied engineering at a prestigious military school, who's working hard to be a pilot. I am but a picture in a catalog, filled with countless other women who find it difficult to meet men organically. Underneath the surface of the girl cheerily tying on a pair of ice skates, is a girl scared to put her guard down because she fears no one will want to be the ice to her fire. Someone who fears she won't be good enough for him or someone like him.

But I will meet with Academy Boy, chopsticks in hand, ready to plot zombie defenses. I will introduce him to boba smoothies and perhaps he can entertain me with academy tales. All the while, in the back of my head will be the fears: rejection, not being good enough to mention to mom, being too odd even though I will be myself. A girl like me typically doesn't end up with men like him.

And then a glimmer of hope. I read this on his online dating profile and it made me feel better. It made me feel as if maybe I shouldn't be too quick to judge or over analyze. Trust me, I do both quite well.

"Don't worry if you're interested a little and the complete opposite of what I ranted about above because no one knows who they might end up with in the end anyway, right?" 

Wow. If he's right about that, let's see if he's right about me. 

Would you guess that I didn't know what to wear?

So I have another first date.

This Thursday. I am more nervous about this one. I knew OGM and we had history from before. So that made the getting to know you part easy to avoid. This guy? This guy I am meeting as a result of online dating.

A little bit about him:
- Went to the Naval Academy
- Studying to become a pilot
- From Arkansas
- 6'3"

So what does this mean? The pessimist in me is thinking he's cocky like Maverick from Top Gun, going to be a little too Southern for my Yankee-like brashness, and will look like King Kong when he stands next to my petite frame. The optimist in me says he's tall, ambitious, and could have a sweet Southern disposition.

This is me over analyzing again. I over analyzed so much I did some Facebook recon. I will say...it's a bit worrisome that his profile isn't private (no, I will not post his link). His pictures don't reveal that he's too much of a party animal. He has pretty friends though. Male and female. I guess the way I can look at this is that he is an open book, and not just saying that like all the other online dating profiles I've found.

He suggested we meet Thursday "so he could have something to look forward to at the end of the week." Is he too charming? Or charming enough? After all, he wants to discuss zombie literature over milkshakes. MILKSHAKES! Who suggests that as a first date? Only someone like me, who would appreciate such a thing. Lest we forget I'm not most girls.

I have to remind myself that it's only just a date. Nothing more, nothing less...yet. But yes, I too look forward to meeting someone new at the end of the week. I'll let you know what happens, for sure! In the meantime, here is Blink 182's "First Date."

And I will call him E because milkshake boy and sailor don't sound that attractive. Gonna be honest, until I meet him face-to-face, I don't think I will be attracted to him. But that's another blog post. 

 

When a ship sets sail...

So I've been noticeably absent. Don't get me wrong. I never said I wasn't single anymore. I just happened to be distracted by OGM. And then...reality hit. 

So, a couple weeks ago he texted me that he had something to tell me. I said, ok, so just tell me. Apparently then was not the time. Okay, ladies and gentleman. I have an annoucement: Now is either a bad time or it's the only time. Choose wisely! I digress...flash forward to a few days ago.

"I move this Saturday"

So...September isn't it then, I thought? He followed this heavy-sighed statement with "we shouldn't continue." Which, again, is fine. I think I've been prepared for this. In fact we had quite the routine:

- Sundays were days catching up on a certain favorite TV show
- Tuesdays were more of the same. He'd make us dinner
- Thursdays were spent drinking and laughing
- Friday we may go out somewhere

This, coupled with work, is why I have been quiet on the Single Girl front. I think, I believe, we had to savor the moment. Live the present. Be together because we knew this couldn't happen after he left. In his own words, "he needed something good in his life." And believe me, I'm honored by this. It's really sweet.

When he would hold me late at night, brushing the hair away from my face, sighing deep into my neck, I could tell that he didn't want to be alone on this ship. A lonely captain, weakly grabbing control, and venturing out into new territory, unsure of what he'll find. I will be there in some shape or fashion with him. I am there with him. But that's because he chooses to.

Believe it or not, I'm not heartbroken. I prepared for this. It stings a little bit, but I have made great strides to emotionally detach myself from falling *gasp* in love. And yet this boy confuses the life out of me.

Who follows "we can't continue" with "I want to see you again" or "do you really have to leave" or "what about seeing you Saturday or Sunday." Don't get me wrong. This isn't just about sex. Yes, sex is a part of it. In fact, this is the closest I've ever felt to knowing what it feels like to make love. However, I have continuously come to the same conclusion ever since he (we?) decided to stop after he moves.

I will feel this way with someone else

And that has what has kept me sane the last month. It's not a mantra. It's a fact. I know I will feel this way with another person. It's like my best friend reminded me: maybe this is some higher deity's way of saying "you can feel a mutual emotional connection with a good man." And this is my conscience following that up with "and you will feel it again." 

I adore OGM. He is truly a good man, a good person, and he treated me well and made me happy. But I can and will move on. This is his ship. He has chosen to go into the great wide open without me at his side. And I can't blame him. No one ever wants to feel held back, nor does a really good person ever want to hold someone back from fulfilling, what they believe, some destiny they need to seize.

The more I continue with my single girl adventures, the more I understand my own destiny. I know what it is I want in a relationship and from a man that I potentially want as my partner. However, I do know that I may not need it right now. And that's okay too.

In the interim, I will lift my own sails and venture into my own unknown. Besides, this wouldn't be the first time me and OGM have parted ways. And it's not the first time we have reunited. In life, there are many possibilities. In love, when you experience these possibilities, it's amazing what you learn about your own heart...and his.

Besides...I may have another date soon. This guy? Apparently attended the Naval Academy and asked me out for a discussion about zombie outbreak defense over milkshakes. Did I ever tell you I don't have a type?

Anchors Aweigh!

Au revoir, mi amor

That one Moment

When you are holding each other
Feeling each others' warmth
Sharing soft kisses
Not wanting to let go
Tracing each others' shadows in the darkness with your eyes
Silent other than the sound of content sighs
Along with the sound of hearts breaking and growing
Fingers intertwined
Hair falling over your face
His hand pushing it aside
His chest on your back
Lips on your shoulder
Sheets like a loose cocoon
The rising of two bodies
The falling of two hearts
Three words you want to say
But know you simply can't
And the three words you say
But simply don't want to

But it's not any easier than getting up and walking away.
In fact it's just as difficult.

The Lift before the Fall

Sorry for the lack of posting. I was busy having a life and dating I suppose.

And with that, the title says it all: the lift before the fall. I am in a world of hurt.

OGM is moving in September.

Very few words can describe this news. The most notable of the few is "heartbreak." I find One Good Man, and this isn't fair. Once again, our timing is absolutely horrible. We have decided, at this point, not to continue after he leaves. Of course that is easier said than done. Rest assured, we both have feelings invested at this point. And with this dizzying teacup ride, we will see what happens.

He told me earlier this week and I think I handled it well. I had to remind him this wasn't up to me. I wanted to continue seeing him. I suppose the call it summer love for a reason, right? Last night, he completely broke down to me about the hardships he's had the past year and he said the kindest words I've heard for the longest time.

You're amazing.

That's what makes this transition even harder for me. He is such a good man to me. Warning me that he's leaving. Feeling bad that this conversation even had to happen. This is the worst kind of heartbreak because what we have has a deadline. So add "not fair" to the way I'm feeling right now.

My best friend was saying that maybe this is God's way of saying that I can have a special kind of relationship like this...but maybe this isn't right quite yet. Again, it doesn't make it hurt any less. My throat is closing in, my chest quivering, and my body in general is sulking at this news.

And last night, he laid on my chest as we comforted each other. I have to remember that I am not on this blinding rollercoaster by myself. He said more words to me that didn't make this terrible news easier to hear.

Your heart is beating really fast. It's called I'm falling hard for you and the bottom is going to be ripped from under me. Well...that's what I wanted to say. Instead, I played coy and told him that it's beating fast for number of reasons. As we stared at each other, knowing the difficult months that lay ahead, he pulled me closer. His hazel eyes pierced my heart once again.

I know this isn't the usual uplifting and humorous post of which you all are accustomed. But what's dating without a little letdown, right? In a perfect situation, he would realize I'm the reason to stay and we can carry on talking about each other's heartbeats and telling jokes. Alas no situation is perfect. And all I am left with is this feeling of being lonely with him. Most would just say "stop seeing him and move on."

But it's difficult to move on when you both finally recognize something great. And that is the risk of falling in love. There are no easy decisions. There are only sacrifices, big and small, and figuring out how to embrace the risks and savor the moments you have together. I don't know what will happen now. Oh time...how you continue to punish me.

The hardest part is knowing you have something great, and being forced to let it go.

What is Socially (Network) Acceptable

I apologize for slacking on my posts, my dear readers. I broke a router (again) so I was without Internet access at home for the weekend. And that got me thinking about how connected we all are. I'm not just talking metaphorically. I'm talking about technologically! You can't go into a restaurant now without seeing couples looking at their phones and not each other. Whenever there are doubts in a conversation, there is always one person (me) who goes "LET'S GOOGLE IT!"

But is it acceptable for you to befriend or follow the one you're dating on a social network site?

I thought about this because I don't know about you, but I like a little bit of mystery when it comes to dating and relationships. I don't always care what you had for dinner. I don't always care where you checked in. I fear the day my significant other comes home and when I ask how his day was, the response I get is "didn't you check my status updates?"

I've experienced social network dating in many ways. One of my exes didn't have any social network profiles until after we broke up. Imagine what he tried to dig for, amiright? I confirmed that was the only reason he even made any profile! One of my other exes and I followed each other on a different site after we started our relationship. I didn't always emotionally unload, so it wasn't a terrible idea....until I saw his passive agressive behavior after we broke up. And now me and the guy I am currently seeing have been friends on Facebook. Don't you go digging, those who know me! This time we were "friends" before we starting going out on dates. Don't worry. I don't link this blog to my personal profile. Boy would that be the ego boost of the century!

As with many things, I guess friending or following your significant other being acceptable is a matter of perspective. I know plenty of people in healthy relationships who are on Facebook together or read each others Tweets. They have found the balance between general normal human interaction through face-to-face conversation (imagine that concept) and being plugged in and connected to the rest of the world. I also know that some couples are at an advantage with this. Just from general observation, women tend to be social network chatterboxes as compared to men. Therefore, I rarely see in-network fighting or nauseating lovey-doviness on my news feed. So thank you my friends and followers alike!

The goods news, I've found, is that most couples don't seem to be in super sleuth mode. Each person has their own reason for being on networking sites, and it doesn't always have to be because they're dating each other and it's common sense to do befriend each other. Last decade's "it's not official till your know each other's coffee order" is this decade's "it's not official till it's on Facebook!" I know it's a stretch, but work with me here! It sincerely gives me hope that a lot of couples have found this balance.

So what's my advice if you're dating someone new and a friend or follower request pops in your email? Proceed with caution. If you've had previous history together, you may be allright, especially if you guys already have mutual friends. If you're new to each other, with no common friends, tread cautiously. Will you be jealous of the prettier people on the profile? Are you the only ones in each other's lives? Are the posts a bit telling? These are legitimate concerns when befriending someone new, let alone a new potential love interest!

Remember that while it's so easy to stay connected to the rest of the world behind a computer, it's difficult to find a real human connection with someone. So when you find it, keep it as long as you can. Getting tied up in wires in a fickle network has the potential to bring out the real ugly humanity in people. You don't need Google to tell you that.

You have to wonder if they had a good time with each other...and if they're talking to each other about it

Time, Why you Punish me?

You read correctly. That is a reference to a Hootie and the Blowish song. Once again, I had a conversation about dating and relationships last night with my best friend. This got me thinking about timing and how it, much like Nature, can be very fickle and sometimes unforgiving. My PIC (partner in crime) happens to be dating my other best friend, who is probably the one with the best guypinions. While I talked about being twitterpated over One Good Man, the question came up about how her boyfriend felt about my dating situation.

He suggests that I wait to get into anything. Kinda late for that isn't it?

Timing works on a very skewed scale for me, much like my standards for dating. My standards are most girls' standards for dating. To serve as a reminder, I actually have standards and plan to use them this time. That being said, I am by comparison taking my time with dating this time around. Me and OGM have been seeing each other for about a month. Previously, I had been officially unattached for a month. But really, looking back at my past relationship, I was pretty much single for six months. Thus proving I work on a very different scale than most girls. I'm obviously not most girls.

By now, five years ago, I would be spending every single day with him, spending the night with him, doing fun things when spending the night with him (cough), and telling everyone who will listen about my boyfriend I just started seeing a week ago. Me and OGM have been seeing each other once or twice a week, we don't talk everyday, and it hasn't gone to the sexual point of no return. And he treats me well. So far. Yes, I am still bracing myself for the catch. I think some would say I'm cautiously optimistic.

One of my other guy friends had this scale for time that he suggested I use: For every year you are together, that should be the amount of months to wait before dating again. So if you were with someone for two years, you should wait two months before moving on. Not sure how you feel about that, but really it just sounds complicated. You and I both know dating is complicated enough!

In short, timing is all relative. And I've learned that when it comes to dating, timing is never good. We have to reshape how we deal with situations. I've had friends who have married and later found their true missing puzzle piece soon after. It happens. And then they deal with it. Because what can you do right? Very rarely is the timing right for these kind of things. Some people wait 25 years to begin a life with someone they could love. If you're Katy Perry, you date the hilarious guy who looks like an oversized rat and marry him right away.

When it comes to dating and timing, you absolutely have to listen to your gut. I value the opinions of my friends, but this is one of those situations where you have to remind them that they may not know what to do if they were in your shoes. Sometimes it's very difficult to sit back and put aside your opinions about your friends' relationships. But remember whose life it is. While you may not always support their decisions, it's best to put those feelings aside, especially if they are genuinely happy.

You can have your own master plan about dating and what you want to do and when, and formulate the steps to get there. I'm just here to remind you that whatever powers that be will laugh at you and throw you a curveball.

You ready to catch?

For giggles, here is Thumper and Bambi learning what it is to be "twitterpated."

Have Mercy!

Isn't this typically the emotion one feels when they're in the grasp of being extremely twitterpated? I mean...look at this. Any child of the 90's remembers the fabulously coiffed Uncle Jesse from Full House. Have mercy, he would beg. And can you blame him? Becky was a hot beast by 90's standards. I have discovered the stage in dating where one is teetering on the line between really falling for someone through the hot and heavy, and saying the Lord's Prayer: Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. Well, not all evil. I can't be good all the time...

I can't emphasize it enough: there is no pressure to give in on either end with me and One Good Man. However I truly believe that resistance is futile. This is where we fail at dating: we fail to realize a good thing and to go for it. The main problem is that the word "good" is relative. Sure, what if the making out is good...but does that mean he's a keeper? At best, he is a keeper for now if that's all he has going for him. Women aren't used to be treated with respect. I'm going to give you a piece of advice. Ladies: date someone who has a younger sister. You can tell a lot about a man by how he treats his mother. However, see how he talks about and treats his younger sister. It'll give you a glimpse into what to expect.

Anyway, sometimes mercy needs to come naturally. Dating is quite unatural to begin with, so we have to take little steps to make it easier on ourselves.

Let me tell you a story: I tend to be fairly brash. Not confrontational. Trust me there is a difference. I ended up calling out this guy who would turn out to be my boyfriend. He kept beating around the bush and simply wouldn't admit that he liked me. So after encouraging him to drink his courage elixir at the bar, I demanded that he tell me what was on his mind. "You have something to tell me," I said. With major hesitation he confessed he had feelings for me. Don't worry, I returned the favor and told him I liked him too. I'm not that mean! He didn't like being forced into this confession. Here's how the rest of the conversation went:

Me: I'm helping! It's not good to hold in your feelings! I'm your angel of mercy!
Him: THEN PUT ME DOWN!

I guess I could've been so kind as to let him down gently. The moral of this story is that you have to be willing to give into your feelings, and you can't force someone to give into theirs. Trust me, I obviously tried and I think that set the tone for the rest of our relationship. You simply can't force anything that isn't there and isn't going to work. I also think I scared him...I will try not to do that anymore. No promises.

So where do I stand now? Well, temptation is fun to give into but only if both parties are on the same page. It's so much more fun that way! This is where I get that feeling of no pressure. If he's right there and I'm right there, it's only fireworks from here...at least for the moment. In dating, all you can really do is seize the moment anyway.

And this is more than a sexual assumption. It keeps going back to trusting your gut. During this process I've learned to listen to it, converse with it, reach a mutual understanding with it. Although me and my instincts are getting along, it's still a very complicated relationship. I'm definitely out of my comfort zone and yet there is a small amount of comfort knowing that I don't feel forced, nor am I forcing anything else. Women, we have intuition for a reason. It's not only for protection. We also have to use it to nurture. Men seem to dig that kind of thing.

In the meantime, this song sums it up perfectly.
I'm begging

This Sums Up my Dating Philosophy Perfectly

The Beatles got many things right. They got music, long hair, global domination, and simple declarations of love just right.

I Wanna Hold Your Hand...

Hands, to me, are the emotional key in a relationship. While you can tell a lot about your partner by looking into his/her eyes, all of your thoughts and feelings are confirmed when you hold each other's hands. It's usually an electric, balmy, awkward connection when you first begin. But that's what makes it exciting. You can hold hands now! You don't need to have uncomfortable boundary conversations about holding hands as compared to sex.

All of the still-married couples I've talked to emphasize how important the simple things are, and how they define the cohesiveness as a dynamic duo. Let's face it: when it comes to dating and relationships, most girls just want someone to caress their faces, talk music and movies with, have their own mini adventures, even if it's only trying to find the right beer at a liquor store. That last one? Totally did it. Try it sometime. You'll learn a few things about a person by which beer or spirit he or she chooses.

So here it is. This is from Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist. Sidenote: Get the soundtrack. Great tracks! Try to deal with the awkwardness of Michale Cera. I mean...look at this kid.

And for those of you Beatles purists, here is perfection and quite possibly one of the greatest love songs ever written.