It Comes Down to This New Adventure

I believe it's safe to say that CSB and I are officially a couple. He shows up to all my fire shows. He always reaches for a kiss. He always asks me what it is I want to do. And he simply wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him. This is such a great feeling!

But what, you ask, does that mean about the state of this blog? Well just because I'm not technically single anymore, it doesn't mean that I won't have any future adventures with CSB! With each new date and lover I've been with, I have encountered a new set of lessons, whether it has to do with life or love. OGM taught me what I'm willing to settle for. Academy Boy taught me that online dating isn't for the weak at heart.

And CSB? Well, I have had to learn how to accept being adored. I know it sounds odd, but truly I am not used to being so desired, at least in the non-sexual sense. I've either dealt with the mundane schedule of doing a,b, and c, or having the pleasure of being with a phantom boyfriend. What's that, you ask. You know when your friends ask about your boyfriend and they know ALL about him but they never see him? That is what we call a phantom boyfriend.And as stated earlier, I've also had to define what the line is between a completely physical relationship and something more meaningful and deserving.

In any event I will always have something to talk about. I will always have casual observances on dating. I will continue to enlighten your day with little stories about the crazy ways I fall in love. From my many conversations with friends, I  totally understand now that everyone falls in love differently and falls into relationships differently. I have always thought that by sharing my stories, it would help me further understand what I require, what I refuse to settle for, and then hopefully help you, my readers, reach the same little epiphanies that I do with my single girl adventures.

In the meantime, I will continue to enjoy my midnight dates, have deep, insightful conversations about fate and coincidence in a crowded club, laugh at his ridiculous laugh, and enjoy myself being happy with someone else who is happy with me. Because isn't that what it's all about anyway?

 

Fear of Falling

My best friend laughed at me one recent morning and said in so many words, you are so gung ho with everything in your life, but why are you so cautious and weird when it comes to dating?"

I guess I must have had donut-glazed eyes and have been gliding around in a hazy disposition when she saw me. My heart is still a'flutter with the possibilities of my adventure with CSB. I find myself giggling when I usually have a boisterous, sea-parting laugh. I'm watching romantic French movies on my small 25-inch screen TV (reading subtitles is difficult on such a small screen!). I have been listening to songs that send lightning through my veins because I want to duplicate the way I feel whenever I'm with him (romantic heroin? Ugh, that sounds awful...). 

Let's be real here: I haven't exactly taken the straightest path to dating enlightenment. And I do think about it often. What DOES make me so scared of plunging all-in for love? Anything new is scary, and that's exactly what this experience is. We haven't had "that talk" of what we are, but I have made it clear that I'm not some girl he can just hook up with and leave me on the side, which he responded well to on more than one occasion. Breakfast after sex is usually a good indicator of being in some semblance of a relationship, right? I like where this is going, so why force it?


This is why falling in love is so scary for me. Of course I understand there is always a risk in love. Yes, that little, one syllable four-letter word:  

Love.

I've accepted that I have fallen in love with a man I barely know. How can my heart know that this is something good, but my brain is saying, slow your roll, homegirl? You're being foolish! Yet we can make love all night and go out to breakfast in the morning and continue to enjoy learning about each other. Do you understand how awesome that is? And because that's awesome, I'm afraid something as silly as my insecurity about this situation will ruin it. Does that make sense? Because I have to ask myself too if I'm in love with an idea I'm afraid of losing...

And he has this creepy Tom Cruise "I'm in love with Katie Holmes" crazy laugh. He smokes. But you know what? I don't care. I like him in spite of those things! We were at a club on a recent weekend and he was making me laugh with his adventurous spirit. It was crowded and when people would bump into him, he'd yell something absurd like WE'RE SWINGERS! I guess most girls would balk and run away, but I laughed! It was just so ridiculous. And we were outside talking to our friends and he was going to get a drink at the bar. I told him I'd stay out. He looked at me with his beautiful blue eyes and said, "come with me. It will be an adventure."

On another recent occasion, I received a text message from him. Here's how the conversation went:

Him: So your friend asked me about you tonight.
Me: Ok. Who?
Him: So and So's girlfriend
Me: Oh ok! Well, what did you say?
Him: That we're getting married next week. Best to thrive on awkwardness
Me: Be still my beating heart. Since this is short notice, I'll pick catering...the hot dog cart. Our friend can officiate as well!
Him: Haha! :)

Okay, I really, really may have met my match.  And I don't want this to end. He is this intriguing individual. And when I think back on how this all started it's such a wonderful story that I don't want to end. From watching afar, doe-eyed and scared to make my presence known, to asking a magician to pull the right card from his stack. From late night text messages to midnight rendezvous into a whole new world. From late mornings under a down comforter to waking up with him and the adorable dog who chewed my shoes.

I know often times in my posts I say that I'm ready for something serious, something real, not something to pass the time. But I have to laugh at my naiveity. Because it wouldn't be the first time a story started out as a simple series of amusing events, something "not serious." Over time, these events can continue to play out as a series of misadventures which become incredibly mundane, or they can develop into greater adventures that collect and resonate with time, creating new and wonderful beginnings. So far, I can say that we've both kept up with each other. There's that fun little thing called The Chase, and it's been fun playing hide and go seek with a worthy opponent.

When I was younger, I always lived by the words, "labels are for cans," and as I've gotten older, I applied this phrase to relationships. As a result, I've gotten burnt. The boys would either take advantage of my carefree nature and completely forget I exist, or they would see it as an opportunity to let me know they're only here for a good time. I also suppose that is another reason for my fears. But the funny thing is that I was super cautious with OGM and my ex before him. I didn't dare think, let alone utter the word "love" when each one invaded my life. Then this man enters my world, full speed, without a warning label, and I'm in love. You can't help who you fall for or how hard you fall, I've learned.

What a good friend did tell me is that I can control the way I handle it. I kind of laughed, but it's worth trying. Being cautious has saved me from being totally hurt, but it has kept me from something I so believe I deserve. So long as he continues to show up unexpectedly to see me at work, text me nonsense at midnight, and hold my hand on our way to a bar excursion, I won't complain. I will relish falling in love. If I can free fall 10,000 feet from a rickety plane with a stranger on my back, I can fall headfirst and heart first into this crazy little adventure called love.

World...I introduce to you, Coffee Shop Boy

I may have met my goofy match. Maybe. At least it's fun for now. I still don't know where this is going, but if there's more of this, I really won't complain.

I'm Only Going to Say this Once

Mindy Kaling totally has it right. Older men are where it's at.

Seriously. They know how to take care of a woman in every way that a woman knows how to be taken care of.

This is where I'm going to let your imagination take charge.

Still, I must say that CSB isn't without his flaws. But then again, who isn't? He goes out often (days that end in Y) and he smokes. But once again, I only have a handful of need that need to be met: treat me well, make me laugh, have your act together. So far, he is meeting all three of my needs. So why fight it?

I would be lying if I said I didn't struggle with myself a bit. Was this too fast too soon? I had to (and continue to) remind myself that I typically don't do the straight and narrow very well. Of course it shouldn't be an excuse for absolute excess and debauchery. I am sincerely having to force myself to enjoy this and go with the flow. I try not to focus on the what ifs: what if he's stringing me along? What if this is just something to pass the time for him?

But all signs are pointing the other way. My past experiences with The Chase have often led me to the same conclusion: there are always risks involved, and with each adventure, every dating experience becomes a little bit better. Like everyone else trying to enjoy some time with potential someone special, I worry that it may not work out. Because it's going so damn well. And if I haven't made it clear enough, I really want this to work out. It would be foolish if I didn't at least admit that I'm not sure if I'm going about it the right way. A lot of my actions with CSB are quite unorthodox. I believe if I took the more conservative approach, we wouldn't be at this point. Either method I would take, I know that I want to keep CSB in my life.

But more than that, I want to believe that he wants me in his life as well.

But I'm observing behaviors from CSB that I can't help but relish. Last night he was telling me he offered to fix the coffee shop owner's bike. Why? Because CSB wants him to experience the thrill of a simple ride again. Wow. I thought that was extremely admirable. That nugget made him much sexier than I could have anticipated. He even texted me a picture of the owner on his bike, content with the selfless gesture from CSB. On top of this,he is also incredibly intent and focused on school, no matter the surroundings.


But when he moves his focus on me? It's quite difficult to put into words. In keeping with the theme of our adventure, the best way I can describe it is magic. He moves me in ways that I didn't imagine possible. And I've only known this man for a week! ONE WEEK! Last night, we spent the good part of two hours in his house YouTubing music we love. And he gazed at me across his bed as I sang Regina Spektor and introduced him to She & Him. I'm so impressed with you, he whispered to me. He warmed my stomach with his hands all night. He played with my hair. He nibbled on my legs. If this talk isn't making you want to make babies, I don't know what will.

Slowly we began to intertwine. He whispered directions in my ear. Said my name. Pulled my hips and leaned in with each kiss. He even asked me if I was okay and if there was anything else he could do to make me feel better. I assure you I was feeling quite fantastic. We were up all night, doing this dance. After a warm embrace, he moved my body and tucked me in. Where did I find this man?

I have to wonder: if I notice all these amazing things about him, what can I offer? Do I have what it takes to give him what he wants or needs? Because I know I have a lot to give. Does he want what I have, more than just a strong physical connection? I hear the echos of my friends ringing in my ear: Just enjoy it. I definitely am! But it's difficult and foolish to admit that I want something more from this. Of course I would. Everyone loves getting extra dessert! I look forward to more midnight adventures with CSB. I must admit: I love that this chase is working both ways.

All The Fun Stuff Happens After Midnight

Let's face it: even if this never develops, I will forever have this story about me and Coffee Shop Boy. And it's a good story! And here's the thing about good stories: the more they're retold, the more legendary they get.

I was out on a Saturday night, celebrating a friend's birthday...after celebrating another friend's birthday earlier in the day. I assure you, I was extremely tired. So after a few drinks to celebrate another joyous year, I decided it was definitely time to go home. I left the bar and started to walk towards my car. I parked a around the corner from the coffee shop. It was a lovely brisk night, and decided to grab a cup of coffee to go. Needed to warm my body and wake up a bit. I literally reach into my left pocket of my red trench coat when all of a sudden, I felt a buzz.

Who in the world would text me at midnight? Could it be? It was! It was Coffee Shop Boy! I was quite surprised...and all of a sudden not so tired. He asked what I was doing. Oh nothing. Just busy not being tired in the off chance you want to see me. And guess what? He did! He rode his beautiful Triumph from the other side of town to spend some time together. My caramel mocha wasn't calming my nerves or warming me up fast enough. So there I sat, for 15 minutes, enjoying a warm cup filling in my friends on the news of the evening. A million puppies couldn't encourage anymore squees than this news. Good thing I looked cute that night. With the exception of my heel on my boot being broken (which he politely and supposedly didn't notice until I brought it up), I was wearing a red trench coat, a floral skirt, and a turtleneck. Also, I had great hair. Everything was truly coming up roses.

Then there he was, one headlight flashing at me as I sat outside. Like a movie, he removed my helmet and suggested we have a drink or two with him. I really couldn't say anything about that being a bold statement. I'm the one who made a magician give him my phone number, after all. A drink at midnight with a complete stranger? Why not? At that moment, I felt my old, Asian mother yelling in my ear...something about strangers, only bad things happening at midnight, and all. But for some reason, it was okay. I truly believed I wouldn't end up in a ditch somewhere being mistaken for a mannequin.

He didn't have another helmet (which made me sad) so I followed him to a bar I've never been to before. He was even kind enough to wait for me after he ran a yellow light. I drive a car full of German engineering. He seriously underestimates me. So we enter this club where house music is playing. So far so good. I feel kind of foolish though, looking more polished than usual while everyone looks comfortable in club gear. I don't usually look this put together. In fact, my lack of leather and studs made me feel slightly naked. He orders me a Jaeger and Red Bull (no, he didn't ask if I drank Jaeger). I was shocked at his choice, but decided to go with it. What did I have to lose? I drove myself there and could leave if it got terrible. And then the real talk began.

Me: So I didn't scare you by way of magic tricks?
CSB: I was really impressed! I was in a seriously bad mood that day. My ex came in the shop, which was weird, and it made it worse. Next thing I know Andy is walking up to me saying he had to show me a trick.And somehow I have a girl's number in my hand. I failed the online math quiz I was working on three times because I've thought about you all night!
Me: Wow. Well I kind of figured at best you'd be flattered. I was scared to go through with it!
CSB: I'm glad you did though. You're cute. I was looking for you, but you left.

Cue this scene in my head.

I started laughing a little bit. I admitted I ran away just in case. I guess that added to my charm. But let's face it: most people would run away after simply thinking about being so bold to talk to a boy. I definitely needed to run away after going through with it! Now I'm the one who's flattered. More than anything, I was glad that he knew who I was after Andy mentioned a dark-haired girl who played with fire. Here's a tip: We're pretty much all brunettes.

We chatted over another drink. But it flowed naturally. And luckily for me, it was a cold night. He kept putting his hands on my face to warm them up. And eventually his nose on my neck. Have mercy...Oh, don't worry kids. I told him my boundaries. I called him out on being fresh. In fact, I think he might have liked it. He also introduced me to the bouncer who is also his friend. He was this short, troll-looking man with odd piercings and tattoos. Between magicians, fire friends, odd bouncers, and house music, I was feeling at home.

That night, I learned that CSB spent ten years in the Navy, did something involving ratios, is great at math (with the exception of the time I made him fail his math quiz), and has traveled all over the world, worked on planes in spite of having a fear of heights. He also owned two homes, and rents one of them out to some friends and is going to school for IT. What's that? Ten years? So how old is he? I'm 26...he's 33. So does age matter? Not when you're having fun! If he's not worrying about it, I won't either. After two drinks, he grabs my hand.

CSB: Let's go to Kickbacks.

This experience of being adventurous is very different on the other end. I'm usually the one prefacing every conversation with "I have an idea" or "Let's go on an adventure." This guy isn't prefacing anything. He's making me live it with him.

We showed up less than five minutes until the kitchen close and he randomly ordered us chili cheese fries. He unwrapped the silverware for me, and placed it neatly on my right side. Every now and then he would try to warm his nose. It was sweet. And throughout the night, I was glad I had great hair. He couldn't stop playing with it. Ladies, unless he's a creeper, you KNOW we love when men play with our hair. Every time I would pull it up, he'd pull out my hair tie. He said it looks much better down. Wow. How did we even get to this point, I wondered. So we chatted over some overly saturated fried food, and then it hit me:

It was almost 4 in the morning, and everything about this random date felt natural. He didn't try to get me in bed at this hour and I'd venture to say we both didn't want the evening to end. Still, he knew I was tired, grabbed my hand and helped me off a high-top stool. He lived around the corner from the late-night dinner, so we walked to his place where I parked my car. We hugged and said good night. He asked me to let him know when I got home. I couldn't stop smiling. I thanked him for everything. He took care of me that night...as much as one could be taken care of at midnight by taking a chance with a total stranger.

Once again, I proved to thine own self be true: I defied convention. Instead of thumbing through a catalog of random, uninteresting men online, meeting for drinks and forced conversation, I decided to take a huge risk and carve a dent into my destiny. Look, I don't know where this is going. But I like it anyway. Kerrie was right: trust your gut and you'll never fail.

Well, look at this...he still has my hair tie. And his nose is cold. I guess we're both fixing this problem very soon.

I have big hopes to hold on tight on a wintery evening.

Coffee Shops are Where the Magic Really Happens

I joked the other day that if I were a Playboy Centerfold, my bio sheet (yes, they really have those) would read "Bakes cupcakes, plays with fire, loves people watching, and defies convention."

Unless you're new to my blog, you understand that bad things happen when I try to date the normal way. When me and OGM started to date, it was nice because there were very little strings attached. It felt easy. That was also a problem. He didn't challenge me. He didn't leave me wanting more. That is, until he said he was leaving. You know what they say: You always want what you can't have.

So what, you ask, do coffee shops have to do with any of this? Well, this is a typical first date for many people. At best, you enjoy a good cup of coffee and conversation, along with ample people watching. At worst, you only spent $3.50 for a half-hour date that would've been worse had dinner been involved. For me, I've lived and seen all of these events. But I assure you, my coffee shop was much different than the your fancy la-ti-da coffee house that happen to be on every corner.

First of all, I am a fire performer who has done shows in front of the shop. There were LARPers who would meet once a week to continue a storyline. And the list of regulars reads like a very famous Billy Joel song. We frequently saw Frank the cop. The Foursquare Mayor was always in the house. Raven cruised by on his bicycle, clearly identified by his face tattoo. And most important to this whole story, Andy the Magician. Andy is one of those people I will always hold dear to my heart. It's difficult to find men with many stories to tell, salted and peppered with jokes, fatherly love, and sealed with magic. Andy is this man.

One recent evening, I was out on rollerblades testing them for fire tricks (for curious minds, it was not going well). I know Coffee Shop Boy rides a motorcycle: a beautiful orange Triumph. I know enough about bikes to get by in a conversation! I was skating towards him because traffic was not being kind. I finally found a free space. Sadly, so did he. He pulled in front of me, while I stumbled like a fool over rollerblades...and eventually my words.

Coffee Shop Boy: So you going to try it with fire?
Me: NOBUTIHAVEBEENCONSIDERINGIT

He smiled and walked inside to order a cup. I painstakingly pulled off the blades of shame, and hobbled over to my fellow fire friend. I complained about wanting to talk to him, but not knowing how. She shrugged, and honestly I can't blame her apathetic or unknowing reaction. Girl's married to the man who's been in her life for almost 10 years. One thing you'll learn as a single girl: Asking dating advice from people who've been with someone forever or who are married is just a waste of time. They're just as out of practice as you are. Hence, why trusting one's gut is the way to go. But we're getting there...

I saw Andy chatting with a few of his friends, gingerly playing with a deck of cards. This was a moment that most screenwriters want to capture. I inhaled sharply, eyes widened and told my friend I am going to have Andy perform a magic trick so that guy can have my number.

She, of course, stared because this is simply foreign to her. It's okay; I don't think anyone really knows how to properly make a pass at someone without fear of shame or rejection. I was going to win or fail guns a'blazing! My friend, Dave calmed my nerves and assured me with the following conversation:
"Either way you win. You grew the pair to do such a thing, so even if it doesn't work out, you've proven that you could do it. And if he's not flattered, like most men would be, he doesn't deserve you."

So I sighed, my heart pounding. I wasn't sure at this point if it was because of my nerves or because of the caffeine. But I skipped up to Andy and asked him a "silly question": can he do the card transfer trick so I can give CSB my phone number. Andy told me he would be honored, especially since he hasn't been asked to play cupid for awhile. He had my write my phone number on a blank card and explained he would do a transfer trick in which his name on a separate card and my phone number on a different card would combine. After I saw him walk towards him to perform this trick, a few things crossed my mind: Run, run fast, hide, and finally question what in God's name I just did.


At this point, my friends were outside laughing with me stating they'd never have the guts to do that. It's okay, I said. I'm used to working in extremes. I swear at that point I needed to run away. What if he isn't flattered? What if he finds out who I am and thinks no thanks? So many fears crossed my mind. Finally, I see Andy open the door, crouched over, taking long strides my way. Oh no, I thought. That's the "I have bad news" sulk.

Miraculously, he lifted his head, and a smile stretched his bushy mustache. With two hands giving me the signs for hang loose, he said, "He digs it!" I couldn't be any happier to hug an old Vietnam vet at that point. Andy said CSB was amazed with the trick and the fact that some girl would go that far to get his attention. And Andy, in his wonderful fatherly voice told him: "Hmm. Seems like you have a card now with the one girl's number in this whole entire coffee shop. So...you gonna call her?" And he said yes!

At this point I was hyperventilating like a silly school girl. Suddenly, a buzz in my left jacket pocket. Color me impressed! That was amazing :)

What's the lesson? Take a risk. You'll never know what will happen. Don't get me wrong. I still ran away to my car with a cheeky smile the whole drive home. I did that, I thought. Damn right I did that! To make this story even better, my fire friend's husband got a bag from his car from a recent trip they took to New Orleans. They found me a voodoo doll. For what? To help me find a good man. What impeccable timing. 

So what happens next? Questions of age and proper dating protocol. Let's just say midnight dates with someone you barely know aren't such a terrible thing.