Dating: Shopping Without Buyer's Remorse

I haven't been posting as much because all has been quiet in the dating world. That doesn't mean I don't have anything to say about it though!

Let's start with Dragon. He's been continuing the usual good morning/good evening texts like a doting partner but while he's trying to make up his mind about me, I've been exploring other options. That and his schedule is exploding as mine is about to in the next few weeks. I rather enjoy this break from him. That's right cupcake: you can miss me.


Sure we have randy fun, but I'm still shopping, as my friend would say. I'm looking to sample the selection, and make an educated buying decision as opposed to dealing with buyer's remorse after some heavy retail therapy. Another friend told me awhile ago that the difference between men and women when they shop is that women are tangible shoppers: we like to touch items to figure out of it's something we want. Men on the other hand go into a store with an idea of what they need, look at it, and then buy.



(Dating remorse is greater than or equal to buyer's remorse)

What does that say about the fairer sex? In my experience, men and women date at the same rate. However, men are more upfront about what they want and what they expect. What they show for it after a shopping trip is a whole other story! Women will try one six pairs of knee-high, leather sole, black boots with a 2-inch heel before finding the right pair. Even then, there's no guarantee they'll ever make it out of the box. The same can be said for my dating adventures. I live in boots. But I'll never be satisfied, and there is always a better pair that comes along.

Ah, but what about The Trainer?

Well, we're still sass texting, as he likes to call it. He had a meeting today to figure out his next move. I guess it wasn't worth telling me how it went. Regardless, I'm enjoying some time with him on a much more innocent level. The other night we watched a movie at his place, and hung out with his dog. Let me paint the picture: it was the quintessential bachelor pad. Unfurnished. Stains all over the carpet. Stuff everywhere. Messy? Slightly. Cluttered? Definitely. Livable? If you're a sports trainer. He had supplements everywhere, a massage therapy table, and other strange-looking medical tools. Not surgical, but...machinery I suppose. He had a roommate which was no big deal. But we were going to watch a movie.

In his room. On his bed. Naturally, I was concerned about where this would go. Being the dog-lover I am though, I paid more attention to him than The Trainer. That in turn created a dog barrier between us on the bed. His dog loved my cuddles. Before we watched the movie we just talked a lot. And that was nice. I won't know the outcome until he tells me, but The Trainer has been kind and fun. Honestly I am 100% okay if he leaves and what I got out of this was a friend who I enjoyed a few dates with. If he stays? Well...what if he wants to commit but I'm not there quite yet?

(Red lipstick can make any girl feel glamorous)

That's what I'm worried about. I feel like I've gotten into this groove of dating. This isn't going to the grocery store begrudgingly after work because I need paper towels. No, this is going to the department store and trying to find the perfect red lipstick: the kind that glides on your lips with ease, never sticking to your hair, or chapping your lips. It's trying to find the one where you twist the case, the top snaps perfectly. The kind that makes you feel rich. That's what dating is like for me now.

After many talks with Brother Bear, he has convinced me to relieve myself of guilt. These men are on a need-to-know basis. All they need to know is that I'm happy being with them in that one moment. If they want more of those, they have to show they deserve them from me. I'm not going to be the girl looking at her phone wondering why he hasn't texted; I'm going to be the girl talking to someone else because he made the time for me.

I had this thought tonight. I went to one of my favorite restaurants and sat at the outdoor bar, sipping on a tequila sour and slowly savoring a huge slice of French silk pie. I was wearing my uniform of dress and boots sitting by myself. I was mostly on my phone because I didn't want to really interact with anyone. This was my time to be happy and alone. Happy and alone. These adventures fulfill and enrich me, but my time alone to go with these (mis)adventures has taught me that taking risks and forcing myself into new experiences helps me understand my needs. Dating others makes me consider what it takes to date myself.

Marilyn Monroe is known for being the envy of women and the desire of men. Norma Jean created a character that was to be desired. Many men fawned over Marilyn, but beneath the dresses and that sultry smile, she was still Norma Jean. As one of the most sought-after women in the world, anonomity was nearly impossible. Photographer Ed Feingersh printed a series of photos called 4 Days in New York. Sure enough, as she was hanging on a train strap on a subway, no one paid her any mind. With an innocent smile, she asked Ed if he wanted to see "her." With a rustle of her platinum blonde hair and a minimal back arch, eyes moved like magnets to see Marilyn in the subway car. Droves of men flocked to the woman they just passed by.

("Do you want to see her?" Source: Brock Street Gallery & Ed Feingersh)

The point of that story is this: I feel like Marilyn in that situation. Normally I don't pay much attention to how I interact with my surroundings when I eat alone. But lately I've felt poised and sure of myself, but in a very subtle way. Men at the bar were kind and asked me about my dessert. Servers came from inside to ask me if I was doing well. I know it's their job, and maybe it's the nature of that one restaurant but it made me feel good. And it's just not there, it's anywhere I go lately. While I have walls that need to be jackhammered with a quickness, I am enjoying being approachable.

It's not the dresses that hang right on my curves or the right pair of tall black boots that fit perfectly over my muscular calves. It's the way I carry them. The way I carry my men reflects on how successful these adventures will be.

And I have a secret. I'll call him Philly. It looks like I'll be having a taco date soon. While a great way to get my attention is with a 75% sale, tacos are the next best thing.

My Castle, My Rules...Right?

I apologize for my lack of posting. I've been incredibly busy with work, but have decided to take a break from fire hobby so I can focus on other projects. Yes, dating is one of those projects.

After my horrible incident with The Teacher, I thought it would be best to keep my options limited. I'm in between talking to The Trainer, and enjoying some rambunctious fun with Dragon. I still go on to the dating website and respond to messages when I can, but I haven't been as eager to do so. It's a strange game: if a man is too interested, I scale back, especially if he's seeking commitment right away. But if he doesn't make a move soon enough, I move on to the next one. While I don't have time to play any more games than I have already tackled, I surely have time to decide who I'd like to stick around...at least for a little bit.

But The Dragon. Mr. Doesn't Want Commitment. Mr. Texts Me First Everyday. Mr. I'd Like To Hope You Keep Me Around Awhile.

What?

For now, I'm calling it summer love (again, using that term incredibly loosely). I can't convince myself to fall and open the cage to my heart completely without truly understanding his intentions. While I own my castle, he set the rules for us when we started. He is in control of the game, and I'm following his rules. But when he breaks them, I don't feel confident that I should break them too.

Oh, and The Trainer? When Dragon is away, JSG will play. Our texting has gotten a bit heavier. More flirtatious. I guess it's okay to show him a little fun before he may likely have to move right?

Then a funny thing happened. I was at a party with some friends, but kept texting him. The banter between us is electric. Trainer stimulates my mind while Dragon finds other bone-shaking ways to stimulate me. Well, I apologized the next day and blamed my sassy mouth on too many drinks. 

I never did that with Dragon. Am I apologizing because it feels like cheating? That has to be it. Perhaps another part of it is that it isn't fair to The Trainer because leading him on. At least The Trainer was amused by it all. I kept being a tease, and he kept challenging me. I like this game. I just don't like the arena in which we are playing.

Then the guilt...oh the guilt. I was happy that Brother Bear decided to join me for dinner and a couple of drinks the other night, because what I really needed to do was verbally spout emotional diarrhea to someone who would give me real answers and not judge me. He was explaining more of his bad country song life, and I kept getting distracted by my own neuroses. Luckily, he is an incredibly patient friend.

I explained my guilt to him: how can I be with someone who doesn't want to be emotionally invested, but clearly his actions are showing otherwise? And is it okay for me to continue to pursue someone who connects with me emotionally at the same time, especially when he may not stay here for long?

Brother Bear said something that made it slightly better: whoever said you should be emotionally connected to one person at a time doesn't get it. It's okay to have feelings for more than one person.

He put on his feminist cap on and stood on his estrogen soapbox: women have enough pressure to be something for someone, so why make it so they only have to do it for one person at a time?

The female bartender's eyes widened when she heard this, and was grateful that it was said.

I went on to explain that I do have these feelings for Dragon, but I keep them locked up because I don't want to give all of myself to someone who says he doesn't want a commitment right now. Brother Bear pursed his eyebrows at me and said that he's just waiting for me to make that next call. A lazy move, he said, and I have to decide if it's worth it to keep him around.

Listen, Dragon. It's my castle. I like hanging out with you, and I appreciate you protecting the moat, but you have to let other people pass eventually.

As he put down his sandwich for a brief moment, Brother Bear sighed and looked me straight in the eye:

"Is there anything stopping you from walking away"

I was afraid he was going to ask that...

The immediate answer was no. Nothing is stopping me from going, "it's been fun, but go protect another castle." But I had to reassess why I wanted (want) to keep him around.

He's Dragon. He makes me feel safe. I trusted him with a part of me the other night that I wouldn't have shared with any other man, past or present. I'm bound to him because I keep wanting to see where this will go. His ambition is admirable. He has his life together. All he wants is some fun. And really, that's what I want too.

What it comes down to is that I really don't have to make a decision. Brother Bear told me I had options: have the "what are we" conversation and base what I'll do from there, continue to have salacious fun with him and go with the flow, or drop him like a bad habit and move on. Regardless, he said, there is no need for me to feel like I'm doing anything wrong.

And so we're back to where we started. The easiest way for me to handle this is to go with the flow. Dragon said it himself: he's in no rush (right...) and would like to let things unfold naturally. So far, they have. I'm in no rush myself to put a label on a can. The vapid thing is that it would be easier to call him my boyfriend as opposed to "this guy I met online and we have a connection but aren't going to call it a thing quite yet."

I am happy with just letting things ride for now. The only thing that makes this more difficult than usual is that I have someone else who's willing to ride with me too. So while Dragon is chilling in front of my castle, lazily keeping watch while I'm inside, men in tinfoil armor saunter up expecting to walk in.

But will Dragon really step aside...or fight to protect my castle? I clearly chose an ill-trained Dragon.

I'm not ready to fire him yet...for once, I need a man to be convenient for me, not the other way around. You guessed it. Dragon is convenient. Until he mans up and says wants more, this is all he's getting. I'm having fun playing house in my castle.

(Ok Dragon...be a good boy and JSG will think about keeping you longer)

 

Fly, Butterfly, Fly

"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep. And I have promises to keep. Miles to go before I sleep. Did you hear me, Butterfly? Miles to go, before you sleep." - Robert Frost "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

Call it whatever you want: My awakening. My chaos before my Age of Aquarius. But I have been a very busy girl!

My friends are growing weary of me...or perhaps they're becoming more amused. On the surface, it looks like I'm either a kid in a candy store, or I'm not being selective enough. I keep thinking that this new site I'm on is helping me understand what I will accept in a partner, and what I won't settle for.

Today my Other Mother came and helped me out at work. We started to talk about my dating life, to which I had to laugh off. It is becoming a part-time job trying to find the right shoe that fits. Before we could get incredibly in-depth with my adventures, my boss came in and gave me that familiar cock-eyed glance. It's another rare occasion where I'm in my usual uniform of boots and a dress, but my hair and make-up are done...and it's a nicer dress.

"Laundry day? No wait...you have a date!"

"...Yes, I do. Well kind of"

"With who this time? ...Wait, how do you kind of have a date?"

Other mother "Is it the cop?!" (Dragon)

"No...and he's a new guy I just started talking to him. But I might meet up with The Trainer to see a movie. So really, it's up to whoever asks me first. They're taking their sweet time pussyfooting"

If you could only see the eyebrows raise in unison. Before he went back to his office, he mumbled something about juggling guys now.

Of course Other Mother had questions and concerns. I told her that the easiest way to describe what's going on is that I'm in a "fly, butterfly, fly" stage. If the butterfly finds the right flower, it will stay there, enjoying the fragrance. There will be a symbiotic relationship for a few lingering moments. But the minute it sees another flower, or has had enough of the sweetness, it will move along, but always fleeting.

I don't believe I'm using these men. That's a crude way of phrasing it. I prefer the term "sampling."

You must be wondering what's going on with Dragon and The Trainer then...

The Dragon is giving me mixed signals. We spent time together the other day and let me know his intentions: he's not ready to settle down, and wants to take things slow. Okay fine...but the physical chemistry is so strong and enticing. I may or may not have given in. You guessed it: I gave in. I gave into the seductive prospect of playing dirty with a cop. And I regret nothing. But to take it slow after that? Realistically, it's not feasible. We even talked about how it was too soon, and we agreed that it was not the best idea. I am taking the I'll-only-text-me-if-you-do approach now. Besides, he says "I'm not ready to settle"; I hear "JSG, you can date other men." It wouldn't bother me the least bit if he decided to date other girls, or even fulfill other fantasies for the likeminded. I was right to be hesitant to get too emotionally invested too soon.

And now I hear screaming: DID YOU AT LEAST TALK ABOUT IT?! No, we didn't discuss that second part. But I'm really bad about waiting to have these talks. Texting about it is so informal. I don't want to be a cop-out (no pun intended). And, of course, safety first. Blog PSA: always use protection.

As far as The Trainer is concerned, there is a higher likelihood that he will not move. Here we go again...I told him that when he finds out for sure, I would like to go on another date with him. And he said that would be a good plan. He's another mixed-signal fool. Again and again, we say it's a bad idea for us to meet up because we both know there's a connection between us. It's not fair to either one of us to get caught up in feelings, and having to separate because life happens. But he sends me texts that he thinks are so innocuous. But here are two examples. He's the pink bubble:

 

I am such a horrible instigator. I'm a sucker, even. I keep falling for the text-back. Other Mother says the next time I meet him, I'll know. I'll either know that this isn't right for me and I should move on, or I'll remember that feeling we had on our first date, and it'll be lightning in my veins again.

Well...damn.

Naturally as an adventurer, my reaction to these actions is distractions:

Yep. Date all the men to sample what is out there and sort out the pieces later. Obviously, this may or may not work out well, but in true form, I'm willing to risk it.

I've been tirelessly (recklessly?) searching on the dating site, tweaking my profile to make me more desirable, and mostly dodging messages from strange men. I've written back a couple of men as well, but that's for later.

Reading that back, I can't help but keep thinking I'm doing it wrong. I may tire of this eventually. There is also a part of me that wonders why I'm so hellbent on this adventure. We all crave some sort of human affection. But it reminds me of a conversation I had with my friend, and voice of reason in the past. (Ed note: calling him Brother Bear from now on)

Brother Bear and I were sitting outside a friend's porch, commiserating over our love lives. His is like a bad country song; mine has been reminiscent of a rock opera lately. While we sipped on our beers and sat outside getting eaten by bugs and getting licked by Southern humidity, I told him what my biggest, recent issue with dating has been: they only like the one part of me they want to see.

The Adventurer and Dragon enjoyed my stage persona. While I tried to introduce the sweeter, more demure side of me, they pushed her aside and craved the fiery spirit that's in me. The Trainer saw the bare bones of me. The virgin who was just putting her toes in the murky dating water with the purest intentions. When he met the stage persona, he didn't balk. In fact, he appreciated both sides of me, which makes it worse because of his moving situation.

As Brother Bear winced in the lamplight, he inhaled his cigarette sharply. Glancing down to gather his thoughts, smoke escaped with his deep, Southern drawl:

"Look....you have a castle. This is your domain. You have a dog, you have a job, you take care of what needs to be done. So what if you wanna boink x, y, and/or z? Of if you want to date x and not y and z for a bit. That's up to you. What makes it okay is that you can detach yourself emotionally if it doesn't work out. You're putting yourself out there to find what you need.  

What makes you different is that you don't want a boyfriend. 'Boyfriend' means you want to settle. You want a partner who can ride dirty with you but give you affection, and there is nothing wrong with that." 

Nervously peeling the corners of the big label on my beer bottle, I looked up at him and found some sort of clarity. This is my house. I am making the rules, mostly as I go, but if you have ever seen the relationship/dating section in a bookstore, it is full of contradicting advice. There is no one way to do this right. And even if we think we're right, we have a good chance of getting it wrong. A lot! He does make a valid point. There has to be somewhere in this strange, ever-changing world of men my partner who can adore the vixen on the stage, but can appreciate my obsession with puppies and adorable, old couples.

So tonight, I'm meeting The Teacher, one of the men I recently talked to online. The nerve-wracking part of this is he has a minimal profile: nothing but a few stats and a nice picture. I'm meeting him on his turf, far enough from home. As usual I'm going into this with minimal expectations. What makes it different is that I'm now hoping that I don't continue this vicious cycle of low expectations, dating high, mixed signals, and dating all the men.

While I may be a performer, I'm not a juggler. My hand-eye coordination leaves much to be desired, as does my heart-brain coordination.

And who knows if I'll see The Trainer before he leaves, or if the Dragon will put his foot down and say he only wants to date me. Regardless, this is my castle. I create my own adventures.

If I Lay My Heart on the Table

Sometimes I wonder if I get in-depth enough here when I write. More often than not, I present to you my stories, full of analogies and zany emotional grievances.

But beneath my ribs of steel lies a heart, ready to burst at any given moment; a heart that murmurs nervously more than it beats steadily.

Too often I can't find a happy medium: should I allow myself to give into everything that turns those murmurs into heavy beats, or should I keep it in a cage where it's safe from anything that could touch it?

These are the questions that weigh on my mind. Because how do we know that we are ready to dive in and let go of the things we fear about love and the like? I can preach all day about having fun and not taking things too seriously, but maybe that is really my problem.

I haven't taken myself seriously. My friends can attest to this. I haven't totally considered how the actions of those I allow to walk by my side affect how I love.

But what if I did put my heart out on the table? What would someone say? Someone may examine and see the scar tissue of loves lost and not totally healed. Another might see the stitches I've haphazardly sewn myself because I was too stubborn to let anyone else touch the injured part of me. One person would definitely see the burns which became dark spots, the slowest to recover.

There is a lot going on in my heart, and I assure you not all of it is negative. The parts of my heart that have been hurt the most are the ones I've tried to heal by myself. And the parts of it that are still full of life, are what I want to keep the safest. Those parts are innocent and should not be punished for having good intentions. But experience tells you that exposing your heart means letting people treat it like a specimen...to let it be examined and discarded when it's no longer of use.

Falling in love is scarier to me than jumping out of a perfectly fine aircraft. I walk by myself at midnight and have little fear about what will happen to me. But to expose the ugly, dark side of myself? That's horrifying. There's a struggle when you understand that you can see the bright side of everything. However bright it may be, the light can blind you from seeing what's underneath. That's what happened with CSB when he told me we never were. That's what happened when I decided to continue seeing OGM even though I knew he would move.

I can be selfish and flakey. Rude and obnoxious. Inconsiderate and foolish. Needy and angry. Who wants to see that? I don't like wearing my heart on my sleeve. People who do annoy me. They can't bend and adjust to obstacles. As for me? I try to take the most logical approach to love.

What?

The logical way. Tactical. Having a Plan B in case Plan A doesn't work. To consider all the horrible things that could happen, and creating a mental survival plan because experience taught me that I will get hurt, and I will need to learn to stitch the wounds. Bandages unravel, so I must learn to cauterize.



(Source: zenpencils.com)

Every time I feel my heart try to rattle its cage, I think about the next best way to repair it. Because I know I will let it happen. Believe me, I know it's not the best way to live. And then there's this school of thought: fall in love because it happens naturally, not because the opportunity appears to present itself. Fall in love with the person, not with the act itself.

These thoughts wake me at night. Hell, they prevent me from sleep at night. The difficult part is to dismiss that I am the common denominator in why my relationships crash and burn. The end result is always the same: I learn and move on. Sometimes the end isn't so horrible. Other times, it's devastating.

I'm prattling on because what it comes down to is the biggest question: how much should I hold back from falling for someone? One of the mothers I adopted sympathized with me one time. She told me she falls fast, hard, and at one point very often. I tend to do the same. In an effort to protect what's left of my heart, I hold back. I put on this front that I can move on. It's not me, cupcake...it's you. My time is valuable and I don't want to waste it falling in love only to hit the ground hard. I've done it enough. I don't know how much more my heart can handle. I don't know how many other hands I can trust to touch it.

My burlesque mama is of a different school of thought: enjoy it, but never settle. If I enjoy it, that's how I get blinded by the deceptive rays of something good. It's this game I tend to lose very often.

And then there's TD.

• The way he kissed my shoulder the first time while he was capturing video of my dog acting like a fool for her toy.
• The way he melted into my back while we watched TV
• The way he leaned over, closer to hold my hand while we lay on the couch
• The way he traced my back with his hands and I felt a surge charge all the way from my toes and up to my lips where I met his

And then...

• The way I melt into his arms when he reaches for a hug
• The way I found the perfect nook on his shoulder to lay so I felt safe in his arms
• The way I look forward to hearing him tell me sweet dreams every night
• The way I smile when he asks me to let him know I walked safely into my home and my doors are locked
• The way I felt when he smiled at my excitable reaction to the end of my favorite show

It has been one week of this. Not to say that anyone should put a time stamp to matters of the heart, but when your heart is healing, it knows what it needs for nourishment. I wasn't expecting it this soon, and especially not from him.

Again it's just the way he is so open with me. By showing me he can be comfortable giving the caring part of himself to me this soon, it's like he's giving myself permission to do the same. I guess that's how it's supposed to be...

With bated breath and one eye open, I find the key to the cage. The hesitation is still there, but my hand is holding the key, resting in the lock, almost ready to release it into someone else's hands where I can trust that they will help me heal it so I don't have to do it on my own for awhile...

A Slow Burn

Ok, there I go throwing out words I don't mean again..."love." The least I can say is that things with TD have been well. The more we spend time together, the more I can see myself with him. Maybe not necessarily long term, but definitely longer than him being Mr. Right Now.

I deactivated one of my online dating accounts since I had better luck on the site where I found TD's profile. Truth be told, I haven't been on either one as much. Searching for men online became exhausting. And while I do enjoy all the attention, I've already singled out a few who I wanted to talk to already.

All the while, I am learning more about The Dragon. He's honest and upfront. That's pleasantly refreshing, and sometimes scary. He used to live in my neighborhood and told me horror stories about his time living there (which is why he insisted I texted him when I walked home alone). The few times we've walked my dog together, he is often armed and right by my side. I joked with him that it was a bit much, but I really can't argue with a cop. He also told me he doesn't want kids and was upfront that kids were out of the question with his future love of his life. That one shocked me. While my biological clock isn't ticking loudly, I'm in no rush for marriage, let alone kids.

I asked my best friend what her thoughts were about this. She basically said that one day my clock will likely tick, and if I'm still with him, to ask myself would if it be a deal breaker. However, she did like that he was upfront about it but for her, personally, it would make her not want to pursue any sort of relationship with him further. As for me, I am not one of those girls who insists on changing his mind or opinion on this. I'm taking an open-minded approach, but I know that it stings a bit. However, he is open to adoption, just not passing on his bloodline. Apparently there's bad blood there, but hey, who am I to judge?

It's these things that make me examine myself more so than it is to study him. He's incredibly open. On this dating site where we met, the main page has a question that asks "What is the most private thing you are willing to reveal about yourself." More often than not, the answer is the same: ask me anything. I'm an open book.

Here's how men I've encountered approach that statement:
Ask me what I want to do in bed with you because I'm 100% DTF
Don't ask me questions because I'll totally talk about myself the entire time
Let me tell you my entire life story so much so that it scares you away and kills the chase

But when he talks, he speaks from a genuine place and leaves the floor open for me, as it should be. However, many times I wince and cower, mostly because I'm so taken aback by it. It's truly attractive, and I can definitely appreciate it. I'm making steps to be more open myself, though I feel like a dog backed into a corner.

Many moons ago, my ex was one who wanted me to say everything on my mind and in my heart. It was like trying to force feed a stubborn baby. I would get so frustrated, depressed, and weary because the second part of his request involved criticism, rolled eyes, angry interruption. Naturally, this made me gun shy in every sing relationship since.

So I picked up some dangerous fiery toys, jump out of a plane, and learn to shoot a gun as a way to release any sort of confrontation and talking about feelings that is required of me. Without these props, I'm left vulnerable and open. I hate that. Spending time with TD is like that scene in Big Fish. Edward senses that time stops when he sees Sandra, and peels away everything in the chaos so he can appreciate what he finds beautiful about her. TD doesn't realize that he's slowly helping me understand that it's okay to reveal who I am and what I have to say. Instead of creating a scene where I'm in charge of the direction, I can let him put down my props...and he can get a real response from me.

I've also found myself shying away from my usual song and dance. Though I adore my friends, I have spent more time by myself and with new people, dates and otherwise. And yes, I've already been called out on it. Lions hate when you dangle fresh meat in their faces without dropping it.  I recently had a conversation with one of them, explaining that there was a little guilt because I haven't made an effort to get the gang together, and that I haven't mentioned TD as much as other men I've dated, let alone invite him to join our group when we go out.

"Because you like him. And you want to spend time with him, one person with another, enjoying each other's company with minimal interference. And that's okay."

At first I thought it was because part of me felt embarrassed by his constant sinus issues, or the fact that my friends can participate in some unsavory activity and bringing a cop means bringing the wettest blanket in the stack. But my friend was right: I like enjoying this time with him. It doesn't have to be constant dinner dates, drinks at a bar, or crazy misadventures all the time. What makes me happy and content is this slow burn and desire to be with each other and to embrace this person we spend time with. TD said it himself: he was tired of going on dates with younger girls with no direction. Well...you know my requirements.

This past week, I've had an awkward screaming conversation with him at a bar, ice skated and made fun of him for driving his patrol car to the rink, watched my favorite show twice with him, and lay in his arms late a few nights. These are things that I haven't made much mention to friends. Instead, these are moments that I care to share only with him. Yes, I am writing down these words for all to see, but it's deeper than that. His openness, drive to spend time together despite his abnormal schedule, his ambition, his warmth have made me feel singled out in a crazy, convoluted world of dating.

This is one case where I can truly believe that it's okay for him to gently put my guard down, especially because I have such a difficult time doing it on my own. And I don't share that with just anyone. The fact that he has cracked the barrier speaks volumes. He doesn't realize that yet.

But I'd like to stay with him long enough so I can show him how much that means to me.

Fire & Ice

The day after the seemingly disastrous meeting with The Dragon, I was still pretty optimistic.

Because of unpredictable weather, we decided to forgo a Harley ride and opted to go ice skating instead (his idea). I jokingly said that he's not allowed to laugh if I bust my ass...and I will be nice when he busts his. He said he'd make no promises. Charming, I thought.

It was about to be disastrous again. Rain makes people suddenly forget how to function, especially when driving is involved. What would normally be a 15 minute drive became 45 minutes because of a major pileup on the highway. Maybe I could just turn around...


Alas, I ended up at the skating rink. To my surprise, TD had his own pair of skates. He apparently forgot to mention he's a former hockey player. Well...there goes me trying to look all cute and legit on an ice rink. As we were lacing up, we made small talk about family and friends, our jobs...the usual first date chatter. We also joked that this is what was supposed to happen the night before. This is much better, I said. I knew from the few words that we could hear and say at the club that he was worth getting to know.

I'm finding that he's a bit of a walking contradiction. There are some things that would normally make me wince, but others that make what I think is strange forgivable.

Let me tell you a tale about a cop who enjoys fruity drinks.
He played hockey, but has the worst luck with his health.
A cancer survivor who wanted to join the military but they can't accept him because somehow cancer is a liability.
That's how he ended up in law enforcement.
A bad case of appendicitis almost put him out of work entirely.
He knows how to fly a plane.
Because her family disowned her, he adopted his friend as his sister so she would know the love of family still existed.
While he sniffles from allergy issues, he owns a cat that looks like Hitler.
A Dexter fan who plans on going to law school, he takes vacations regularly and hopes to own many properties over his lifetime.
In the free time that he's not trying to win me over, he likes to tinker with elaborate security systems and create them.

Wait...what?

There were many moments in our conversation skating side by side on the ice that I wondered what the hell I was doing with my own life. The question of, "other than fire what do you do for fun" is always an awkward one. I always feel like I don't have time for other things, aside from the expected adult responsibilities.

It really was befuddlingly charming. After awhile on the ice he chuckled and said that it was highly amusing that he took the "badass fire girl" to the ice skating rink. It's true. I was out of my element. I felt somewhat forced to account for myself with some of his questions, like what else is there to my life. I didn't have implements to deploy and distract the dragon. Again, he kept trying to peel these layers to find out who I am at my core.

Then I thought of one of those two-hour conversations I had with Indy. He likes to read and understand people.

"Not everyone likes that. Some people like to have their secrets, and not be found out"

Well...damn. It's true. I keep thinking that I've made peace with my ghosts of dating past. There's still a brick wall in front of me when it comes to love, but I'm slowly finding the weaker spots to poke through, and remove that which protects me. It's not to say that I don't want to reveal every part of me to a lover, nor do I want to show the most perfect side of me all the time. It's just wondering how much of me should I reveal right now?

Let's face it: I showed the endearing, intelligent side to Indy and The Trainer, the wild child to The Adventurer, and with The Dragon...It's like unraveling ribbon in water. Slowly, hesitantly, but with the right force, willingly.

But stepping toe first on the ice seems like a good start. Later that day after a few errands, he asked if it would be okay if he watched a show we both like together. It happened to premiere that night. I was slightly taken aback (who invites themselves into my life?!), but I agreed. Before that, he suggested since I was on his side of town, to meet his cat and see his place.

Okay...he's a cop. He can't possibly try anything fresh. I mean, seriously, he drove his patrol car to the skating rink. It's not a front. But I think he was trying to reveal himself as this upstanding, adjusted adult who is worthy of my time. No secrets. Dude, I have stuffed animals everywhere, laundry in each room of my house, and my house smells like dog. I can't be this great girl he's been searching for.

He has a sweet cat, and his place is well-put together, security system and all. The lights were all motion-activated, so each room he gave me a tour of immediately lit up. You're damn right I called him out on how geeky it was...kindly, of course.

After the tour, he said he could just follow me to my place. He was walking towards his patrol car and jokingly told me not to speed. Telling me not to do something is the fastest way to ensure I do, I said. He gave me a smirk before getting in. On the drive to my place, I wondered if I would eventually get to see a wild side. Pilot, motorcyclist, cop? All the while he was mild, so I thought maybe it's okay for me to peel some of his layers too as much as he's tried to see all that's in me.

He really does have a strange schedule. I guess it's the life of a cop. After my immediate freak out at the Dexter season premiere, he asked if I wanted to have a late dinner. Why not, I said.

Same inner dialogue: I kept wanting to unravel his inner layers and much as he wanted to figure out what's beyond the "badass fire girl who walks home by herself."

We sat outside at a local restaurant, teeming with locals wanting to grab a beer on a late Sunday evening. There were talks about where we wanted to travel and about his goals. Whenever I talk to someone ambitious like that, I feel slightly inadequate. My goals don't extend beyond wanting to be the best version of myself so I can bring light into the world. He asked why I hadn't considered home ownership before and I told him I basically didn't want to get tied down. There is so much out there. Obviously that speaks for more than just home ownership. Obviously, commitment is risk, and if you know my track record, I'm really horrible at it.

The reasons I restarted this adventure is to discover what's out there; if there is someone wild enough to run with me. What's amazing is that I keep finding that there are men who can, and the ones who I think can run beside me in a blaze of glory actually get overshadowed or left behind. While The Dragon has revealed to be fairly mild, the dangerous side that I tend to relish in men takes a peek behind the curtain.

We've been on a couple of dates since, and I often the humbling question: am I forcing myself to like him? Think about it: look at your most recent significant other. There are bound to be things you cannot stand. I mean, where is the line between being nit-picky and accepting things as they are.

My burlesque mommy is screaming in my ear again: Don't settle

Regardless I like getting to know him. To study him, as Indy would say. I'm accepting that not every date or every guy I talk to is going to have that immediate rush within me where I just "know" this guy is it. TD and I warming up to each other. The Trainer and Indy took their sweet time. Things moved way too well and too fast with The Adventurer. But I can appreciate this pace with TD. Really...I think he is good for me. I tend to forget that part about dating.

After all was said and done, he walked me to my doorstep and gave me a gentle first kiss. Innocent even. Laying in bed thinking about all of the day's events I could sincerely say I was pleased. I never believed that true love or the like had to be immediate, though childhood fairytales would like to encourage us otherwise.

Some people say you can't rush destiny, and that these things should happen naturally. Others warn that hiding yourself from the possibilities is detrimental to one's self, and that it's in our nature to be curious and discover the possibilities.

But this is my adventure: a hardened heroine with the best of intentions seeks the prize of meaningful affection. During the course, hearts are slayed, and she suffers minor defeats. Once in a while, she finds a worthy suitor who she believes can help her find the prize.

That's a good fairytale. A great fairytale tells a story of how the suitor helps her win and fights the good fight with her...

And encourages to fight with what's in her. To defeat the monsters and fears within her.

Maybe The Dragon can be her guide.

"At This Rate You Can Eat Free Dinner All Week!"

My little, mousey-voiced friend keeps asking about my dating adventures, and she came up with that little gem.

She's right. I very well could!

(I'm like Mary Anne: unsure of myself, cries at ASPCA commercials, and what are boys?)

There are many things to consider. Men on both dating sites are messaging me daily. And the current men in this journey are all in some shape or fashion chasing me. Me? Why? I'm smarmy book nerd by day, and seductive fire performer at night. I've yet to find the right kind of man to handle those extremes. And yet they see something worthy in me.

For starters, The Trainer isn't quite sure if he's really going to move. He has been blowing up my phone for the last few days. I don't want to simply say I've moved on, but after what happened with OGM, I don't want to go on a few more dates with him and get too invested if he does end up moving. That and he probably couldn't handle my rebellious streak. I only say this because his conversations lately seem to beat around the bush:

"Hey you. What are you up to?"

Me: "Nothing much. How are you?"

"Good. Good. I'm watching a movie marathon and am looking forward to a long weekend. I have a lot of time for once."

Me: "Oh. Well good!"

"Yeah" 

Really? Man up if you want to go on another date. Would I agree to it? Probably not, but I simply can't be bothered by men whose pair is smaller than mine. He may be intimidated by me. And that's another thing I won't be able to accept with my future partner, let alone a guy I'm simply dating.

I also stopped calling Indy. He didn't bore me, but I don't need a wet blanket sopping up the adventure. He keeps me on the phone for two hours and one hour of it is blatant interruption. That got way old rather quickly. Very nice guy, and gave me some super kind and sincere compliments. I really did enjoy our conversations (the times I got a word in), but I don't have time to sit around being the girl of someone's dreams. My profiles make it clear: join me in this journey, not let's meet, settle, and forever be intertwined in matters of the heart.

Things with The Adventurer have been quiet since we last talked. I'm pretty sure it's a number of reasons, main reason being that insane 2nd date coitus probably wasn't the wisest idea. I invited him to a show but he said he had family in town. Whether or not that's true, it doesn't really bother me. Trust me, I'm surprised about that part too. I'm pretty sure he wants to date around and see what else is out there. He could be like me in that regard. It's become this awkward line dance where you're switching partners; sometimes you do-si-do and your partner has two left feet, but your next partner matches your rhythm perfectly.

Now it seems another guy has joined my journey.

Remember how I mentioned this particular dating site strongly encourages its users to talk to ten people when they initially sign up? Well, The Dragon was one of the ten. I took a look at his photo and thought that I had a snowball's chance in hell. He's gorgeous. Looking at my journey, I seem to be opting for the dark hair, blue eye types. Like mischief and innocence, I think it's a wonderful combination. I truly need to start giving myself a little more credit.

So I sent him a message telling him that I thought that it was awesome that he rode his Harley on The Tail of The Dragon (thank you jerk ex for teaching me a thing or two about motorcycles) and that I had an inexplicable fear of rollercoasters myself.

It took him a few days, but he messaged me asking to chat. Well...my schedule is chaotic at best. Between eating free dinners this week, shows, work, and me time, I just don't check my messages on either dating site very often. Besides, I enjoy the chase! I told him I'd talk to him soon, which he didn't seem thrilled with. Guys (and ladies), "K" is never an appropriate response when you're texting, emailing, or instant messaging. It's the passive aggressive Asian mother of all responses.

Last night I was prepping for my set when I got a notification from him asking if it was my fire group that was on another side of town. I told him no, but we were at a different venue. He messaged back saying that we should chat soon in the off chance he may not be single very long...winky face.

...oh really? Who you tellin'?

So I laughed (or tried to laugh via instant message. I don't think he could tell) and gave him my number. He texted me right away! The yellow energy drink flowing through my veins encouraged me to send him a pic of me in costume: a cute little sailor. He enjoyed it. Looking back I don't know why I did that. Possibly to see if he really did find me attractive. Hell, when you're scared putting yourself out there sometimes, how do you even know? He said he was working that night and would be up late. I checked the clock a little later. It was after midnight. What kind of legitimate work does a man do after midnight?

Well, let's go over some Dragon Stats:

- Male 29
- Has adopted lesbian sister
- Works in law enforcement (hellloooo man in uniform!)
- Going to law school after finishing his senior year at the local state university

Okay, I also did extra recon. After doing the ol' Google search, I discovered that he and I have some friends in common. It's strange because they're people who I've done shows with, or people I haven't spoken to in awhile. I've been asking around to see if they could tell me anything about them.

Swoon. He looks good on paper. We'll see if this comes to fruition. In the meantime I have come to a very important realization:

If I don't take it seriously, dating isn't a horrible experience.

One would think that with the many ways I approach my life that I would be quick to understand that right away. Between releasing my initial heartbreak with The Trainer, realizing that Indy may not be able to handle another chaotic adventure, and The Adventurer exploring his uncharted domain, I really am liberated from the fears and uncertainty that comes with dating.

There are reasons people say "it's just a date." There is no lease or fine print on a contract. It's getting to know someone and having a good time for a few hours. If it happens to expand beyond that, awesome. If not, there are other suitors ready and waiting, maybe not immediately, but in due time. Lining up these four men, I realize that I'm to be sought after. I am awesome and the right men will see that. There is no question. I often confide in my burlesque mama. We chat about our love lives and bond over stories of love and heartbreak. One day, she told me to never settle.

I haven't yet, and believe me, it's probably the best dating advice I've ever received.

It Comes Down to This New Adventure

I believe it's safe to say that CSB and I are officially a couple. He shows up to all my fire shows. He always reaches for a kiss. He always asks me what it is I want to do. And he simply wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him. This is such a great feeling!

But what, you ask, does that mean about the state of this blog? Well just because I'm not technically single anymore, it doesn't mean that I won't have any future adventures with CSB! With each new date and lover I've been with, I have encountered a new set of lessons, whether it has to do with life or love. OGM taught me what I'm willing to settle for. Academy Boy taught me that online dating isn't for the weak at heart.

And CSB? Well, I have had to learn how to accept being adored. I know it sounds odd, but truly I am not used to being so desired, at least in the non-sexual sense. I've either dealt with the mundane schedule of doing a,b, and c, or having the pleasure of being with a phantom boyfriend. What's that, you ask. You know when your friends ask about your boyfriend and they know ALL about him but they never see him? That is what we call a phantom boyfriend.And as stated earlier, I've also had to define what the line is between a completely physical relationship and something more meaningful and deserving.

In any event I will always have something to talk about. I will always have casual observances on dating. I will continue to enlighten your day with little stories about the crazy ways I fall in love. From my many conversations with friends, I  totally understand now that everyone falls in love differently and falls into relationships differently. I have always thought that by sharing my stories, it would help me further understand what I require, what I refuse to settle for, and then hopefully help you, my readers, reach the same little epiphanies that I do with my single girl adventures.

In the meantime, I will continue to enjoy my midnight dates, have deep, insightful conversations about fate and coincidence in a crowded club, laugh at his ridiculous laugh, and enjoy myself being happy with someone else who is happy with me. Because isn't that what it's all about anyway?

 

Things We Forget: #778

Things We Forget: #778: lexington avenue, new york.

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