My Armor is Weak

I joke that my knight in shining armor is more likely to be a knight in rusty tinfoil. That's not to say that the damsel doesn't protect herself as well. While I am a lady who carries my femininity with care, I am also a warrior who fights to protect what is mine:

My heart. Whether these men realize it or not, that is what they fight for. I didn't put myself out there just to get free dinner and have all the fun adventures. No, those are the stops on the journey, not the destination. Ultimately, I do want to reward someone the prize of my heart. But experience has taught me that men need to fight for it. I have handed it from my weak, unsteady hands, and even tossed it to the closest one who stretches out his arms.

Not this time. The biggest change I've experienced on this leg of the journey is that I have multiple knights out there at the ready. It's my call whether or not they even get the chance to joust.

This is why I am so enamored with fire play. It's the manipulation and control of an element that's particularly dangerous, but without it I feel vulnerable. I joke with my show family that I try to treat my performances as burlesque with fire because if you take that away from me, I'm only a girl, wide-eyed and imagining the crowd naked right before a speech. Fire protects me. I devise so many ways to protect myself from the dangers of falling hard for someone.

Even The Trainer called me cynical. It was the night I got tequila sassy while texting him. The irony is that I was calling him out on whether or not he'd behave the next time he saw me (which he did, and that's definitely fine). He kept saying he would. And one of the philosophies I've carried for years came from one of my best friends. He always said to believe nothing you hear and half of what you see. Well, that's exactly what I told The Trainer. I'm fairly certain that the statement sounded like a cynical drunken mess.

It's true though. Maybe I should rephrase it as this: believe nothing you hear, half of what you see, and deny nothing you feel.

Before I post, I like to go back to what I've written early on in these (mis)adventures. One such post was about trusting one's gut. My friend is a beautiful divorcee who still continues to have her own dating adventures. Like anyone else who tries it, she has her hits and misses, but comes out of each experience with a wealth of knowledge.

"Your gut never lies. Trust your gut."

Yeah, I could do that, but I'm stubborn and imaginative. Why oh why would I try to face the reality of any situation, especially if I can manipulate it into something I can control? Something that I can use to protect myself from what could harm me?

That brings me to Dragon. He continues to challenge me and peel back the layers of who I have the potential to be. My efforts to keep the wall between us are failing. My veil is slipping, and the bricks are cracking. I can't deny that he is where I want to be anymore. I know this contradicts what I've said recently, but I also know finding other distractions (The Teacher, Philly, etc.) isn't going to hide the truth.

Dragon shows me. He shows me what he wants and needs from me, and more often than not, I hesitate to reciprocate. This creates a struggle for me because it's not fair to hold back what I know I have to give, but he still wears a red stamp on his forehead that screams non-committal.

But what am I seeing?

I spent most of my weekend with him. Saturday before he went into work, he stopped by to catch up on the episodes of our show he missed the week before. Without fail, he always puts his arms around me on the couch, and he rests his head on my shoulder. I usually find myself upright, gently grazing his hand to hold it, but never making myself to comfortable, even on my own couch. Because giving in means making the most vulnerable part of me exposed.

Yet isn't that what being with someone is? I fail to remember that dating isn't a straight and narrow course. Yeah, even with all my dating experiences, I forget. It's not meeting Person A, 3-5 awesome dates, The Talk, and on our merry (marry? No way, I forbid that) way. It's complex and confusing. Being with someone, whether you intend to be with him/her for a little or a lot-tle, means giving a piece of you to share and trusting that you are safe in his/her care.

So Dragon stayed for an episode, and again we found ourselves in my bed. After all was said and done, I was in his arms again, sharing laughs and dozing off for a cat nap before he had to leave. The funny thing is that this time, I fell into his arms. I purposely curled into him to listen to his heart beat. I traced my fingertips behind his ear to his shoulder to understand the power of his arms, and why I am trusting them to protect me.

I'm trusting him with this part of me.

He then did his short shift at work, then invited me to watch his friend's band play. We only stayed for a little bit, but he looked at me as we were leaving to ask if I was hungry. I knew he had been putting in a lot of hours at work and at school, so I know he was tired and not eating that well. Instead of picking up something quick and heading back to his place, he decided to cook me dinner. It was as lovely as it sounds. It was really late, so the fact that we went to pick up groceries so he can make something was incredibly kind and unexpected. I even felt guilty that I didn't help, but mostly it was because I was taken aback by it. We even had a laugh because we picked up $2 plastic mini wine bottles to enjoy with our meal.

After dinner, we watched a few videos. I then saw the time and it was approaching dawn. Though I hesitated, I decided to stay overnight with the stipulation that I would leave early to make it home to my dog. I was tired and the ride home would be dangerous after a few drinks. But we shared another intense session together, hands held, eyes locked, feeding into each other's desires. I wanted to wake up with him much later in the day. It felt nice knowing that every time I tossed or turned, he'd reach for me.

Later that day, when he came over we lay on the couch to watch the current episode. But this time I stretched out my arms and brought him closer to my heart, still rattling in its cage, slowly making an escape. I caressed him and felt him melt into me. I want to trust him with that part of myself, and I am slowly allowing him to do so. I was starting to show him that I can be open...because he trusts himself to be open with me.

My armor doesn't offer the finest protection. I am the first to admit that. But after all the walls I've built, and all the times I've carelessly treated my heart, I know I eventually need to let someone in. Dragon is certainly giving it a fighting chance.

I have a doggy date with The Trainer this week, and dinner date with Philly next weekend. I don't know what that means for what's been going on in my heart. The Dragon has by no means tamed me, but other suitors are lining up to try. I need to be open with Philly and let him know I am dating other people...

...because Dragon may soon take the damsel away from her castle and into a different leg of her journey.

Three to a Match

Okay so I was overdue for a bad first date.

The Teacher was a bust.

First of all, he sends me a text talking about our discussion earlier that day to meet at 8PM. Ok, that's understood. Less than five minutes pass where I don't respond and he texts me the elusive "K?"

Dude I'm busy! Clearly it couldn't wait...

So I drove 30 miles out of my way to meet him. He told me he'd be five minutes late. That five minutes quickly turned into 30 minutes. I told him what I was wearing and that I was outside the restaurant. Instead of walking up, he told me to meet him in the parking lot. You better believe I was thrilled to have an emergency text ready to be sent to my best friend.

(Imagine a brunette Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys)

JSG Dating Rule #1: If you're going to use a picture of yourself on your profile, please make sure it's you. It's courteous. However, this is my fault. He only had 10% of his profile complete, and I would later find out that he had only been on the site for a few days. Yes, he is a teacher and works at a gym. But he's also special. Yes, that kind of special. Don't get me wrong. I'm not one to down anyone with a mental disability, but the problem I had with this is that he completely lied. He lied about his picture AND was not upfront. I understand it's probably held him back from dating before but this was big for me. I was already trying to formulate an escape plan.

He had coke-bottle glasses, was short, and had a lisp. I had been duped.

So being the adventurer that I am, I decided to at least get one beer out of it. When the server arrived, I declined a menu and ordered the darkest beer; the kind that matched the hole in my soul for driving 30 minutes away from my turf for a bad date. I chugged it on an empty stomach. In all fairness, he was completely nice, and we had some good conversations. But...

JSG Dating Rule #2: Never mention a second date until you've made it through the first. After slugging back my beer, I ordered a water. I started to see a glimmer of hope when he was done with his beer, but he ended up ordering another. So I sat there and nursed my stale lemon water, trying to fight through the frustration. He mentioned that I would learn to love the water if I would join him and his family on their boat.

I almost choked on a lemon seed. He tried to convince me that the picture was him. Now he's trying to convince me that he could change my opinion.

After a few moments of forced conversation (and one awkward racist comment from him), I brought up the elephant in the room, and asked how long he had been on the site. That's when I learned that he had only been there for a few days. Then I did what I have never, ever wanted to do on a dating adventure: I became a hypocrite and lied. I told him I couldn't stay because I had to be up early the next day (I'm a night owl, obviously). And that I was only on the site to simply meet new people. I saw his pupils shrink behind his glasses, and his face drew long. He thought this was going well, and here I am crushing his spirit. I needed something stronger than murky lemon water at this point.

Before the check came out, I forced a smile, thanked him for a beer, shook his hand, and wished him good luck. Shuffling my tall boots, hoping it didn't look like I was running, I walked out of the door not looking back. This made...makes me feel awful. But I have always said my time was valuable. But here I was, a hypocrite like him. And I tried to justify it. Would any girl in my situation do the same thing?

Once I made it to my car, I called my best friend. Let me tell you about her a bit: blissfully married to my other best friend, both of whom I set up (I make better decisions for others than I do for myself). Bed time is almost always 9PM. She has no vices (she says she'll save those for me). However, she is my kindred spirit who will accept a phone call at 10PM if my life depended on it. This was one of those times:

"So it must have either been really awesome or absolutely horrible if you're calling me about the date. I know you said you had an emergency text ready, but wow"

I then spouted off at least ten run-on sentences explaining my situation. Her reaction ranged from fair sympathy to uproarious laughter. In hindsight, I'm glad I shared that laugh with her.

Through the long drive home, I considered the events of my day. Earlier plans for a movie with The Trainer fell through. At that moment with my windows down on the highway, I longed to be sitting in a cold theater rather than a loud bar with my horrible date. And Dragon was out of town for the day. He asked what I was doing later that night. Somehow it seems appropriate to add this:

I mentioned that I was out in a different part of town. Once again I became a hypocrite. We haven't labeled ourselves, so why is it his business to know who I was with? Maybe it's like Dating Darwinism: to survive in the dating world, we go through some tough spots in our evolution as mates. We maim others and garner new skills to survive. This is my way of protecting myself to ensure optimal survival.

 

After a few flirtatious texts, Dragon made his way to my side of town. I had every intention of staying home after the bad date. It was safer. I knew Dragon had homework, so I did the right thing after many hypocritical moments that night, and told him he should focus on getting his work done. Logic goes out the window after midnight, so he ended up staying over.

 

Yes, I let a man stay over. My dog wasn't happy about it. In fact she made a statement mess next to my bed as if to say "there can only be one. She's mine, not yours." Luckily he took that in stride.

 

We had multiple sheet pulling sessions that night. In between them we would laugh and tell stories to each other. In the early hours of the morning, we talked about everything that makes us happy. This is the first time I've felt that he let the seductive performer take a seat, and asked the softer, gentler side of me to dance. This is the connection I crave: for someone to appreciate the two of many sides that make up who I am.

 

Once again, I had to dodge mixed signals with Dragon. We laid there in between one of our trysts, caressing each other, and he said eyes widened and a playful smirk on his face:

"You know this is a big deal for me as someone who doesn't want to be tied down or committed"

If this isn't what we want, why are we here?  I'm not sure how much of that he meant, and honestly I simply ignored that statement. Everything he shows me seems to void those words. I'm not the one texting first. I'm not the one trying to make time for him. That's all him. It's not to say that I don't make an effort on my end, but he initiates it. Always.

Chemistry: An attraction that can't be quantified or explained.  We both don't deny that the chemistry isn't there. In one passage of Rachel Machacek's Science of Single, she talks to a woman named Dorothy who is in charge of dating seminars. She says that chemistry the bad boy, not someone that you need. Because really what girl doesn't enjoy a bad boy? The chemistry is damn-near intoxicating. And for now, I am find getting drunk from it.

So we held each other close. He fell asleep with his arms around me. Whenever I adjusted my position, he would too, never letting me stray too far from where he was. His hand would find my own, and hold it to would pull me near. I would turn and bury my face into the perfect nook of his shoulder, tracing my fingertips on his arms as he would gently caress my hair, kissing my cheek. If this isn't what we want, why are we here?

I am forcing myself to go with the flow. My friends try to break it down as simply as they can for me: if you're having fun, and he's game to play with you, then what's the problem? There should be no need to analyze this. If I'm happy and he's seemingly happy, then a problem doesn't exist. It sounds delusional to me, but maybe I can find a happy medium.

When morning broke the dawn, I met his widened gaze that greeted me good morning. I immediately reacted with a grin, nuzzled into his shoulder and said it back.

"I'm really glad a spent the night with you"

He said these words while he rested his chin against my chest. With a warm grin, I opened my arms and brought him as close as I could. I didn't want to say anything even though I shared the same sentiment. I only wanted him to feel my spirit aching to reach out to him. The heart and spirit that is a caged bird, ready to fly blindly into his sight.

There is a superstition dating back to WWI. It is considered a bad omen to light three cigarettes to a match. The enemy can spot the first spark. And then he'll trace it to a second spark. By the third, the location of the soldiers is clear, and they are open in an attack. I'm applying the same superstation to my dating life. It is nearly impossible to juggle three men, and now we're down to two. It's not a duel or a joust for my affection though. I'm not here to break any hearts. Whether it's with Dragon or The Trainer I would like something to work out.

But for now, I'm hiding the pack of matches. Safety first.

Fly, Butterfly, Fly

"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep. And I have promises to keep. Miles to go before I sleep. Did you hear me, Butterfly? Miles to go, before you sleep." - Robert Frost "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening

Call it whatever you want: My awakening. My chaos before my Age of Aquarius. But I have been a very busy girl!

My friends are growing weary of me...or perhaps they're becoming more amused. On the surface, it looks like I'm either a kid in a candy store, or I'm not being selective enough. I keep thinking that this new site I'm on is helping me understand what I will accept in a partner, and what I won't settle for.

Today my Other Mother came and helped me out at work. We started to talk about my dating life, to which I had to laugh off. It is becoming a part-time job trying to find the right shoe that fits. Before we could get incredibly in-depth with my adventures, my boss came in and gave me that familiar cock-eyed glance. It's another rare occasion where I'm in my usual uniform of boots and a dress, but my hair and make-up are done...and it's a nicer dress.

"Laundry day? No wait...you have a date!"

"...Yes, I do. Well kind of"

"With who this time? ...Wait, how do you kind of have a date?"

Other mother "Is it the cop?!" (Dragon)

"No...and he's a new guy I just started talking to him. But I might meet up with The Trainer to see a movie. So really, it's up to whoever asks me first. They're taking their sweet time pussyfooting"

If you could only see the eyebrows raise in unison. Before he went back to his office, he mumbled something about juggling guys now.

Of course Other Mother had questions and concerns. I told her that the easiest way to describe what's going on is that I'm in a "fly, butterfly, fly" stage. If the butterfly finds the right flower, it will stay there, enjoying the fragrance. There will be a symbiotic relationship for a few lingering moments. But the minute it sees another flower, or has had enough of the sweetness, it will move along, but always fleeting.

I don't believe I'm using these men. That's a crude way of phrasing it. I prefer the term "sampling."

You must be wondering what's going on with Dragon and The Trainer then...

The Dragon is giving me mixed signals. We spent time together the other day and let me know his intentions: he's not ready to settle down, and wants to take things slow. Okay fine...but the physical chemistry is so strong and enticing. I may or may not have given in. You guessed it: I gave in. I gave into the seductive prospect of playing dirty with a cop. And I regret nothing. But to take it slow after that? Realistically, it's not feasible. We even talked about how it was too soon, and we agreed that it was not the best idea. I am taking the I'll-only-text-me-if-you-do approach now. Besides, he says "I'm not ready to settle"; I hear "JSG, you can date other men." It wouldn't bother me the least bit if he decided to date other girls, or even fulfill other fantasies for the likeminded. I was right to be hesitant to get too emotionally invested too soon.

And now I hear screaming: DID YOU AT LEAST TALK ABOUT IT?! No, we didn't discuss that second part. But I'm really bad about waiting to have these talks. Texting about it is so informal. I don't want to be a cop-out (no pun intended). And, of course, safety first. Blog PSA: always use protection.

As far as The Trainer is concerned, there is a higher likelihood that he will not move. Here we go again...I told him that when he finds out for sure, I would like to go on another date with him. And he said that would be a good plan. He's another mixed-signal fool. Again and again, we say it's a bad idea for us to meet up because we both know there's a connection between us. It's not fair to either one of us to get caught up in feelings, and having to separate because life happens. But he sends me texts that he thinks are so innocuous. But here are two examples. He's the pink bubble:

 

I am such a horrible instigator. I'm a sucker, even. I keep falling for the text-back. Other Mother says the next time I meet him, I'll know. I'll either know that this isn't right for me and I should move on, or I'll remember that feeling we had on our first date, and it'll be lightning in my veins again.

Well...damn.

Naturally as an adventurer, my reaction to these actions is distractions:

Yep. Date all the men to sample what is out there and sort out the pieces later. Obviously, this may or may not work out well, but in true form, I'm willing to risk it.

I've been tirelessly (recklessly?) searching on the dating site, tweaking my profile to make me more desirable, and mostly dodging messages from strange men. I've written back a couple of men as well, but that's for later.

Reading that back, I can't help but keep thinking I'm doing it wrong. I may tire of this eventually. There is also a part of me that wonders why I'm so hellbent on this adventure. We all crave some sort of human affection. But it reminds me of a conversation I had with my friend, and voice of reason in the past. (Ed note: calling him Brother Bear from now on)

Brother Bear and I were sitting outside a friend's porch, commiserating over our love lives. His is like a bad country song; mine has been reminiscent of a rock opera lately. While we sipped on our beers and sat outside getting eaten by bugs and getting licked by Southern humidity, I told him what my biggest, recent issue with dating has been: they only like the one part of me they want to see.

The Adventurer and Dragon enjoyed my stage persona. While I tried to introduce the sweeter, more demure side of me, they pushed her aside and craved the fiery spirit that's in me. The Trainer saw the bare bones of me. The virgin who was just putting her toes in the murky dating water with the purest intentions. When he met the stage persona, he didn't balk. In fact, he appreciated both sides of me, which makes it worse because of his moving situation.

As Brother Bear winced in the lamplight, he inhaled his cigarette sharply. Glancing down to gather his thoughts, smoke escaped with his deep, Southern drawl:

"Look....you have a castle. This is your domain. You have a dog, you have a job, you take care of what needs to be done. So what if you wanna boink x, y, and/or z? Of if you want to date x and not y and z for a bit. That's up to you. What makes it okay is that you can detach yourself emotionally if it doesn't work out. You're putting yourself out there to find what you need.  

What makes you different is that you don't want a boyfriend. 'Boyfriend' means you want to settle. You want a partner who can ride dirty with you but give you affection, and there is nothing wrong with that." 

Nervously peeling the corners of the big label on my beer bottle, I looked up at him and found some sort of clarity. This is my house. I am making the rules, mostly as I go, but if you have ever seen the relationship/dating section in a bookstore, it is full of contradicting advice. There is no one way to do this right. And even if we think we're right, we have a good chance of getting it wrong. A lot! He does make a valid point. There has to be somewhere in this strange, ever-changing world of men my partner who can adore the vixen on the stage, but can appreciate my obsession with puppies and adorable, old couples.

So tonight, I'm meeting The Teacher, one of the men I recently talked to online. The nerve-wracking part of this is he has a minimal profile: nothing but a few stats and a nice picture. I'm meeting him on his turf, far enough from home. As usual I'm going into this with minimal expectations. What makes it different is that I'm now hoping that I don't continue this vicious cycle of low expectations, dating high, mixed signals, and dating all the men.

While I may be a performer, I'm not a juggler. My hand-eye coordination leaves much to be desired, as does my heart-brain coordination.

And who knows if I'll see The Trainer before he leaves, or if the Dragon will put his foot down and say he only wants to date me. Regardless, this is my castle. I create my own adventures.