I Awkwardly Date Just Like Everyone Else

I admit it.

I'm excited about my date on Thursday finally. I still have some jitters. I feel the need to, like any proud blogger, do some research on how to date.

I'm extremely nervous. We are going to a Japanese restaurant. Apparently he admires the culture. I am introducing him to the goodness of boba/bubble tea. And then I wonder, as I did before, about how to do my hair. Or if I should wear glasses or contacts. Or if I should dress up or dress down.

And the awkward dater in me asks the more hard-hitting questions: do I bring my own chopsticks? Will that impress him? Do I cut my swearing 25%? Is that enough? 

Yes, yes, I know BE YOURSELF, you say. But this date is different because I'm being forced completely outside of my comfort bubble. I usually enjoy this. But, as stated before, I did my research on online dating. It's basically safety first. My best friend knows where I will be. We have a code red abort signal. I am meeting him there. And I'm certain he's not a Nigerian money scam, so there will be no wiring of money in the future.

*sigh*

I will keep you updated. I want to be someone's second date. Not gonna lie.

"Describe Your Dating Fears in 1,200 Words or Less"

Online dating sites would hit a gold mine if they encouraged you to lay out your fears about online dating and dating in general. 

I got to hand it to men who attempt it. You're not like women in the sense that you don't know how to talk about yourselves, usually because women are constantly cutting you off. Or that you just never have to unless it's for an interview. I'm sure they wonder what's worse: trying to create the damn profile or having the guts to make that first move.

I recently went on a road trip with my best friend to celebrate the victory of conquering a chaotic work week. I adore my her quite simply for the fact that I don't know if anyone else could put up with my dramatic nature. Seriously, give that girl a medal for being so patient. She drove a whole two hours and listened to me gripe and overanalyze everything about online dating.

And I do mean everything. I want to punch myself for saying the following things:

"Well, do you ever see me standing next to a guy in a polo?"
"Why would a man think he's datable with usernames that include pimp, 69, or bro in it?"
"What am I? A mail order Asian bride? Why do the 45-year-old men in douche gear want me?"
"I don't see myself settling down. But I really want to. A dream is a wish your heart makes."

I assure you that none of these questions or statements were alcohol induced. The fact that I wasn't inebriated when I said those things saddens. It's difficult to admit the things in love you know you want, and the things you aren't sure of quite yet. Nobody likes being lonely. I conquered my fear of fire, but not that of loneliness. And I worry about rushing into the arms of another man. It's still worth noting that I kept my guard up pretty high with OGM. And as far as OGM is concerned, my gut was telling me that while I can't have him for long, it is possible for me to be with a good man.

So as I'm slouched in the seat of my best friend's car, salvaging the remnants of the first Slurpee of the day, I chattered on about how I feel about my date with Academy Boy. It was essentially a series of "what ifs." The worst part is that I know that is is just a date. My best friend kept rolling her eyes and telling me that I should just have fun. You don't have to tell me twice! Still, at 26-years-old when most of my peers are planning both wedding and baby showers, it's difficult not to want to date because you want to find your partner, not just to try on men like their pairs of jeans.

I never thought I would need to have a particular conversation with my best friend this soon in my life, let alone in a car with bright red sugar stains on my teeth. The topic came up of what would happen if things went particularly well and I ended up a Navy wife.

But then this whole concept of "settling" came up again. Would I be okay to pack up and move? Can I just up and leave everything I know behind and often? What about having children and exposing them to this kind of life? All of these questions were followed up with my inner child screaming obscenities. I can't possibly grow up. I won't fit in with Navy wives because I don't scrapbook ( I assume they scrapbook and only make babies. Someone prove me wrong). However, I thought that this would be a challenge...and I adore those. I would find a thrill in being forced out of my comfort zone, trying to meet new friends and learn about a new town. But I'd be forced to be lonely again...right?

One of the last conversations I had with OGM was about moving I told him that I honestly and truly believed that the only way I'll move is when and if I get married. Having that conversation with OGM made me feel like I didn't have enough ambition in my life, whereas he is willing to be a cowboy and travel where all the cattle thrives. Ever since I moved out of my ex's home (and awful home situation) a few years ago, my main focus has been about me having fun and taking in all that life has to offer.

Is this Dating Darwinism? Am I destined to not find the right man because I'm not aggressive enough in the concrete jungle? Do my strange hobbies indicate a lack of focus so strong that my ability to even think about being barefoot and pregnant just isn't possible? Can men sense that and run away to the next girly and fertile being they see? It's obvious that one of my dating woes is that men see me and don't think "long term love of my life."

Yes, that is what I want. I want what every girl wants: a man to look at me in the face, tongue ring, awkward jokes, crazy hobbies, snide comments, and all and still see a girl he can take home to mom and give flowers to just because. It really does hurt that I don't get that impression from men. I am more than just punch lines and quick-wit sarcasm. I can bake and I also enjoy wearing pearls and cardigans in addition to studs and leather jackets.

And here I have a date with someone who thinks I'm interesting and important enough to email back. A man who studied engineering at a prestigious military school, who's working hard to be a pilot. I am but a picture in a catalog, filled with countless other women who find it difficult to meet men organically. Underneath the surface of the girl cheerily tying on a pair of ice skates, is a girl scared to put her guard down because she fears no one will want to be the ice to her fire. Someone who fears she won't be good enough for him or someone like him.

But I will meet with Academy Boy, chopsticks in hand, ready to plot zombie defenses. I will introduce him to boba smoothies and perhaps he can entertain me with academy tales. All the while, in the back of my head will be the fears: rejection, not being good enough to mention to mom, being too odd even though I will be myself. A girl like me typically doesn't end up with men like him.

And then a glimmer of hope. I read this on his online dating profile and it made me feel better. It made me feel as if maybe I shouldn't be too quick to judge or over analyze. Trust me, I do both quite well.

"Don't worry if you're interested a little and the complete opposite of what I ranted about above because no one knows who they might end up with in the end anyway, right?" 

Wow. If he's right about that, let's see if he's right about me. 

Where is my Dread Pirate Roberts?!

If you haven't seen The Princess Bride, you need to stop reading this and school yourself. It's the most amazing book AND one of the world's most quotable movies. Please. School yourself on wuv. Twu wuv!

I think it's important to discuss the men we daydream about. I can be all serious about what it is I want in men everyday when I post, but really you guys are just going to get bored with that! What about those male figures whose sight just makes us swoon, whose voices melt our hearts, and whose gaze just our knees buckle? They should get some credit! After all, no man is perfect. However our fantasy men are! And we deserve some male perfection from time to time. Amiright ladies?

Wesley/Dread Pirate Roberts is probably my favorite romantic movie character. The story starts out innocently enough. Wesley is just the water boy. And Buttercup is basically being a bitch by demanding he do random tasks. What never changes is his loyal ode to Buttercup: "As you wish." Sigh...a girl could get used to that.

And she did! They fell in love, random fairy tale life events happened, and next thing you know BOOM he's the Dread Pirate Roberts, Buttercup is a princess, and Dread Pirate Roberts looks sexy in a mask. And that sword. All I'm saying is if he can handle that sword with panache, imagine what else he can handle with such care and discipline! Inconceivable!

He is my ultimate male fantasy. A loving man who would do anything for his woman. Fight off those pesky ROUS, rescue me from quicksand, and all the while be charming and witty!

It is also important that I admit that I don't understand the fascination with Twilight. Maybe I'm being too quick to judge, but a sparkling pale man who can fly just doesn't sound sexy. And his werewolf friend? Men are hairy enough, I say! DPR isn't moody. He wastes not time getting stuff done and in the end, wins the princess. Quite frankly, Bella seems like a boring lay, Edward probably whines a lot, and werewolf kid is just one of those "stand there and look pretty" characters.

There is just something so incredibly sexy about a man hiding his true identity and wooing me into romantic submission. And then finding out, "wow, it was you all along. I'm intrigued!" You girls can keep your vampires, werewolves, and Disney princes. I will take a sexy pirate any day! Then again...a vampire from True Blood might be just nice. They can do bad things and I am totally okay with that! I digress. I can save that for another post!

In short, the DPR is the right mix of broodiness, sensuality, gusto, and romanticism. I will never find my exact Dread Pirate Roberts, but it's nice to wonder what if. What's even more fun? Trying to find and even enjoying these traits in the men you date. While a girl can and always should dream, she should treat herself to a small part of her male fantasy!

 

 

 

Drop my sword?
Perchance should I drop anything else for you Mr. DPR?

I Just Came to Say Hello!

I was up late last night listening to the party in the room below and drowning it out with my music. I recently heard a song that got my attention.

This is kind of how I sum up my online dating experience. "Listen dude, I am ever so happy that you find me compelling enough to bug me for a bit. However, it is my duty to inform you that I am only here to wave and say hello. Now I shall bid you good day."

My friends totally know and understand that I was extremely hesitant to try online dating. This is one of the reasons why. All these eager beavers out there just make my skin crawl, which leads me to this question:

Is there a chase involved with online dating?

Let's face it, kids. Ever since the playground we have been hardwired to chase down and torment the boy or girl we like into liking us back, whether they pulled our hair or we pushed them into the sand. But online, it's so easy to avoid being chased just as much as it is difficult to get the attention of someone in whom your interested.

Despite current events, I still have an active online dating account. We'll see if six months is truly guaranteed. Right now I'm being elusive. I haven't logged onto the thing in a couple of weeks. In the meantime, I'm still getting notifications from possible suitors...and by possible I mean they really have a snowball's chance in hell.

The latest notification I got was a wink from a guy who was my age...and he winked in his picture. It was like Inception. Failception even! As I'm typing this, I see he sent me a message. Yes I will judge you for poor grammar, sir. And no we can't talk.

I highly doubt that those who have tried to find me before and send terrible sweet nothings via the interwebs will try to reach me again. In real life, there is a chase. I will bring you to this little ditty right here. I know I'm not going to try and reconnect with men I've previously winked at or sent messages to. Their silence says it all as I'm sure my silence does as well. With real human interaction, you sense the opportunity to try again.

Look at me...I'm trying again one year later.

I challenge you to tell me a successful online chase story .

I Guess Unrealistic Expectations Work Both Ways

It's one thing to reject reality & substitute your own.
It's another thing to be completely ignorant.
Source: Stuff No One Told Me (www.snotm.com)

Who Asked Jake Anyway?

The other day, my roommate dropped off my mail on the table. I was happy to see that I got a new Glamour magazine. As I was flipping through colorful pages full of beauty advice, fashion, and more useless sex knowledge, I came across a recurring article called "Ask Jake." This month's topic?

Six Things Not to Worry About on a First Date.

Um, why are some women worried about this crap on the first date? Why should women worry about some of this dreck in general?! Let's go down the list. Jake says don't worry about:

- Wearing the right jeans
- Whether the date "means something"
- The Spanx and push-up bra you have on
- Whether he wants a family
- Paying for dinner at the place he picked
- Whether he's trying to get into your pants

From my many conversations with my guy friends (I like to call the result of these conversations "guypinions"), I have come to the same conclusion each time: guys are very simple creatures. Women are just making this much harder than it should be. Am I guilty? Absolutely! At the same time, it shouldn't take away from enjoying your time with each other.

I will say, I worry about how I look like in front of the men who interest me. So I worry about how my jeans fit. No one thinks a muffin top is cute. According to Jake, he seems to think women worry about what men think about the label on your humps. Sorry Jake, I worry if my pants look like a five pound bag covering ten pounds of potatoes.

What about dates meaning "something"? Here. I'll give you "something" we can all remember: let's just live for the moment. This is why a date is just a date, everyone. Just enjoy each other's company and surroundings. If he asks you out on a second date? Jump for joy! If not? Move along. It's not worth getting upset over. I promise. If he's not upset, why should you be?

Yes, I worry about aesthetics. No, I don't think a push-up bra and Spanx are going to help you. What are you going to do when you take off your nude-colored bike shorts and he sees just how much you were cutting off your circulation? THAT is not attractive. Spanx were created by a woman on accident, and she profited greatly from her creation. She used her intuition, smarts, and gusto to create this brand. Don't let her down.

Family? Apparently, one of Jake's chick friends refused a second date because her date didn't desire marriage right then. Yes, she did want that. Was the third date supposed to be a quickie Vegas wedding? What was she going to do if he did want the same thing as she did? That is how you get crazy women. While you and your dates should have similar goals, you shouldn't want your cake and eat it too immediately. I've said it before, I am being very picky right now. However I refuse to scare away a guy I like with commitment on the first date. Even if I think we have a future.

Who pays for who? I imagine that a man should pay for the first date. Believe it or not, I do have some traditional values. Just because I want a midget catering crew at my wedding doesn't mean that I don't have certain expectations! I agree with Jake here: He asked you out? Let him pay. I will offer to pay sometime in the future. It's only right. Especially if I suggest something he wouldn't be used to. Like grape stomping for wine. Come to think of it...I don't know any straight man who would enjoy that. Hmm...

Finally, all men at any given time when they are with you have thought at least once what it's like to be the friction in your jeans. How he handles that is very indicative of his character. Sometimes, yes, people do put out on the first date and things work out. However, it shouldn't be on your mind when he's suggesting what kind of sushi roll to try. Sushi roll...is that a position?

I worry about first dates. That's the honest truth. Especially if I particularly like the guy! I would definitely enjoy seeing him again! At the same time I won't let my butterflies, standards/expectations, and tattered nerves get in the way of me having a good time. In fact, I want to ensure he has a good time too.

After all, if it's not fun, it can't be worth exploring!


No one likes a poor sport on a first date!
Source: Cartoonstock.com

"Now I'm Giving Women Advice!"

Before that, he was on a horse. And you couldn't help but adore the man who smelled so deliciously fresh.

Who am I talking about? Isaiah Mustafa, better known as The Old Spice Man. The other day, I was surprised to find that I'm still a Cosmopolitan subscriber. Even though I cut off the subscription, I still get the "women's Bible."

Let me tell you something right now: The advice is terrible. I don't need 69 different ways to touch a man. You touch a man, he gets excited, and sometimes you win. Other times, you go to bed angry. I have, and always will insist, that I read it for the fashion and make-up tips. I'm a girl who likes pretty things. I digress.

However, Mustafa penned a letter to female readers. Unfortunately I haven't found a link online to it yet. If you're interested, you can pick up the July 2011 issue of Cosmopolitan at your local grocery store and be amused.

He encouraged women to let go of the gradiose expectations we have of men. In other words, those huge movie productions where the man fights so valiantly for the girl by wooing her with grand gestures are giving men everywhere less hope. Why? Because if you paid attention, you'd see that the smaller gestures are meant to be large declarations of love!

Those who know me understand that I'm all about the simple things. While I appreciate flowers as I rarely got them as a girlfriend, I would be happier if you remembered my coffee order (tall nonfat black and white, no whip). Also, my allergies are busted, so if you want me sneezing my face off, lay rose petals all over the room. You're cleaning it. If you want to win me over, feed me a Harry Potter pick-up line.

"Hey baby, Slytherin in my bed."

As women, we need to stop this! These expectations boggle the logic of men everywhere! Your man doesn't want to chase you in the fields. In fact, he shouldn't. If you want to run like a fool, go on, but he's probably tired of you and your crap. That and those movie gestures simply aren't genuine. What's genuine? When you have a terrible day at work, and he sends you a YouTube vid of someone bottle feeding kittens.

Mustafa couldn't emphasize enough that men are often discouraged because if it's not enough we women are hormonal once a month, we accuse men of not caring because they're not kissing us in the rain. What are they supposed to do? Stage a rain dance and pull you into a passionate kiss to make you happy? Build you a house even though you're not with him? THE NOTEBOOK IS NOT REAL LIFE! On that sidenote I will also confess: I didn't cry at The Notebook. Go ahead. Call me a heartless beast. I can take it.

I can harp about this all day. But ladies, please pay attention. I would love to be with a man who puts my keys next to my coffee in the morning, picks up my favorite chocolate when he's out buying food, tells me that a song came on the Muzak and he remembers how much I love that song.

On that note, if you expect a man to go big or go home in this sense, I suggest you simply go home.

He didn't realize that wine he got you is supposed to be red not white, and that he was supposed to bring it to the picnic you planned in your head.

Disney needs to stop giving girls unrealistic expectations of love...the princesses are obviously sick of it.