Recycling Terrible Dating Advice

That is what magazines do.

A lot of my friends don't believe me, but I sincerely read most women's magazines targeting to my demographic (18-26 female, entry-level job, vivacious, independent, animal lover) for the make-up and fashion. I'm girly! I swear like a sailor, but I can put lipstick on too dammit!

But my recent "special edition" of Glamour had me and my room mate tilting our heads in disbelief. I momentarily considered cancelling my subscription, like I did with Cosmopolitan. Seriously Cosmo sex advice articles read like Mad Libs:

Lick his (noun) and (verb) his penis for the (adjective) sex ever!

I couldn't deal anymore. And that's how I felt about this Glamour special. First of all, it features the Kardashian sisters. Secondly, it mentions them every twenty pages or so. And on top of that, they give "necessary dating tips and advice for the best new year!" Um, no. What do I have against the Kardashians? Everything. However, giving credit where credit is due: they're very savvy business women (even though many of their methods seem morally corrupt). I digress.

I was flipping through, getting glimmers of hope. I saw a beautiful photoshoot involving an Aprilla bike (you know me and my motorcycle men). Then a Kardashian article. I would find a heartwarming story about a woman who overcomes adversity...followed by terrible dating advice.

So Jax (not so) Single Girl: What makes it terrible? 

Let's start with He Loves You: He Loves You Not. Six Ways to Tell Whether He is Into You (or Ever Will be). Okay, the demographic switched from what I wrote up above to 18-26 lonely girl, desperate for marriage, cat owner, entry-level worker, dependent, low in self-esteem. What killed me what the ever will be part. Really? Because last time I checked (and I am a true testament to this) everybody dates differently. And people fall in love right away, or much later. But to rely on six tips which really are suggestions (the demographic I just described will see them as facts) is just naive. Here they are:

1. Are you his plus one?
2. Does he call (not just text)?
3. Does he listen when you talk?
4. Is he close (very close) with lots of women?
5. Is he introducing you to everyone he knows?
6. Can you tell he's thinking about you when you're not around?

If you are smart, vivacious, and independent, you understand why I am absolutely floored, offended, and appalled by these "insights." Let's delve deeper.

Are you his plus one? Natasha Burton, coauthor of The Little Black Book of Red Flags (there's a joke about a desperate girl somewhere in that title), states that if he's invited to an event and he's not asking you to come around, that's a bad sign. Well, not necessarily. I really believe that your significant other really can be the only one involved in your relationship. I may not want to introduce him to my group of friends at a wedding because...well, why torture him by bringing him somewhere he doesn't want to be? I might even be sparing his sanity! It's a very general statement. Maybe he owned a favor to a gal pal and ended up being her date to the wedding. Did you just scream WHAT THAT'S JUST NOT RIGHT?! Well guess what: I was that girl. My best friend guy friend just started dating my best friend (weird huh), and he didn't want to put her in the awkward situation of meeting family. At a wedding. So I did him one and offered to join the festivities. See? Two years later, they're strong and there's no harm done.

Does he call (not just text)? Really, I don't have time to listen to your voice on the phone all the time. Once again, I am an independent, busy, vivacious woman. So my lightning-speed digits can text you just fine. What difference does it make if I ask you how your day was on the phone as opposed to texting you, especially if the answer is the same? Don't get me wrong, I like hearing CSB's voice. But I think the problem here is that a girl may expect a man to call her from now on. And why fix something that ain't broken right? Because according to this article, if a guy is really into you, he's going to want to hear how you're doing and the sound of your voice. Haven't we learned? Men are simpletons. Very few are Casanovas, and even if they were, we'd be highly suspect. I'm tickled when CSB texts me! If he calls? That's good too, but it's not better. The simple act of wanting to contact me is what makes me smile.

Does he listen when you talk? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Again, men a simpletons. And they can only focus on one task at a time. Apparently if he's really into me, he'd be interested on my thoughts on everything  because "he cares about your opinions and how you formed them." How I formed my opinions? Here's how opinions are formed: I saw/heard something. I had thoughts about it. I said something. Boom: there's you're opinion. Besides, men REAL men listen to you without you needing to read between the lines. It should be fairly obvious if he's not listening. If XBOX Live is happening, it's game over for you cupcake. Don't even count on him to know you're there. But if you offer to make out with him and he doesn't move, you oughta be worried. However, I have faith that most men would drop the head set and controller to get a hand on your girl bits.

Is he close (very close) with lots of women? Okay, back to my best guy friend. I'm not saying he's the only exception to this. There really are a lot of men out there who do have a lot of lady friends (in the most non-biblical way). It works the other way too: I have many guy friends. In fact, if my best guy friend didn't keep me around, he wouldn't have met my best friend and no romance would have blossomed! And really, sometimes, a girl needs that neutral "guypinion." That's why some women keep men like him around. And often, what Daddy can't fix, a guy friend can, especially if she is a single girl with no other man to rely on. This screams low self-esteem and self-worth. CSB has many lady friends. I met a couple of them. I don't feel threatened. I even danced with a couple of them over the weekend, and they were nice! His best friend is a girl, who I also met. It's all about keeping the line of communication open. If you're a single lady and get bent out of shape when he mentions his chick friends, you don't need to be in a relationship, since you know...those things are kinda built on trust. When should you feel threatened? When your calls aren't returned because he's always with her and you never see her, let alone see them together...pretty obvious, right?

Is he introducing you to everyone he knows? This was my favorite one. "If you're meeting his friends, neighbors, relatives, and loved ones, it's a strong sign he sees you as part of his whole life (not just your sex life)." Did a 20-year-old intern with no life experience write this? To be fair, I met CSB's neighbor, but neither of us went out of our way for an introduction. And as I said before, sometimes, the only people who really matter in the relationship are you and him, because as long as no one is getting hurt or being reckless, there really need to be anyone else to revel in your love...or whatever it is. And maybe it's blind faith, but I do have hope, and male insight from my guy friends, that unless he really wants to get to know you, he will let you know he's only there to tap it like a maple tree. Let's go back to OGM for a moment. We had that talk about his moving and the state of our dating. It was pretty understood that this was going to be a summer fling, and nothing but. Yet we talked about it. If you're gonna keep your legs open, you gotta keep your mouth (and mind) open as well.

Finally, Can you tell he's thinking about you when you're not around? The answer, for me, is another question: Do I really care? I have my own life and expect him to have his. I am a busy bee doing things for myself and others, that really, all I ask for is something simple: remember I exist, show me you like that I'm with you, and we're good. And to be perfectly honest this song, this song, and this song came into my head when I read that question (The 80's were an awesome time for stalker songs). It's a sweet gesture thinking that I've been running through his mind all day, but an even greater gesture would be to say hey let's spend time together tonight because I like being with you. And the article does go on to say that it's a good thing if he sees something in the wild that he thinks you'll like and he mentions it to you. Well, duh Becky.

Am I being unfair about this article? Maybe, but I do understand that it's difficult to bake cookie-cutter dating advice for women in this demographic. We're all learning what we're capable of and what it is that we want. We're all in this adventure where we're learning how to get the best out of life has to offer. But I wish these writers would have a little more faith in their readers. It should be fairly obvious when someone isn't into you. And if I may offer you my own piece of unsolicited advice for your dating ventures? You guessed it: listen to your gut. It never lies. It's risky but that's what love and dating is. Maybe there are girls out there who needed to read this advice. But don't make it the only advice.

"You Need a Man, Not a Boy"

So says Mindy Kaling, better known as Kelly Kapoor on NBC's The Office.

My best friend and room mate peeked into my recent issue of Glamour Magazine and pointed out the excerpt from Kaling's upcoming book, "Is Everyone Hanging out Without Me? (And Other Concerns)."  My best friend was convinced that I could have written this portion of her memoir. And perhaps, I may even be living it. The Amazon.com review says that this book features "a tour of her life and her unscientific observations on romance, friendship, and Hollywood, with several conveniently placed stopping points for you to run errands and make phone calls."

I adore Ms. Kaling. She describes herself as a bit of an anti-hero for giving advice. She says, " I’m not married, I frequently use my debit card to buy things that cost less than three dollars, and... I’m kind of a mess." But she's accomplished her goals of being an actress and a writer, which gave her the confidence to tell women everywhere that dating men isn't a terrible thing. In fact, she equates it to freshly ground peanut butter. Where is this woman and why aren't we chatting via email?

You guessed it, I was sold.

I have always been a sucker for celebrity memoirs. Who else could have such wonderful and absurd observations of life? I've found that those who write memoirs do so for people like me: The curious, the observant, the zest-for-lifers.

So I started to read what Mindy had to say. Kaling mentioned something about being scared shitless of men. Why? Well, because men know what they want. They're strategists. They own watches and actually look at theml. Basically they were everything that Kaling felt she was not. But haven't we all been there?

I've been asked about what I look for in a man. Lately, especially after a few bad dates, I've learned that what I want is rather simple: a funny man who treats me well and has his shit together. Looks don't totally matter, but I'd be lying if I said they didn't bear some importance. You're only so much of a good man till I see your double chin...s.I'm not saying I have everything together at 26. However, I'd love to spend some time with people who look clever enough to be living like a real grown-up! I write this as I stare at my Hello Kitty metal lunchbox. Clearly, being a responsible adult is a clever disguise for me.

I could totally relate to Mindy. She claimed that up until she was 30, all she was dating were boys. What's her definition of boys?

Boys can pack up their whole life and move to Brooklyn for a gig if they need to. Boys have “gigs.” Boys are broke. And when they do have money, they spend it on a trip to Colorado to see a music festival.

Here's where I run into the issue of finding a man with a sense of adventure. Most guys who are adventurous are broke as a result of their excursions. Beer festivals aren't cheap, ladies. She goes on to talk about a the first "real man" she dated at 25. I'm tickled by the fact that she gave him the code name of Peter Parker. Spiderman's alter ego was apparently this intimidating, condescending jerk who, like most males out there, dishes out unsolicited advice.

SIDENOTE: If I have any male readers, please listen. When a lady wants to vent to you, you just sit there and listen. Don't offer to fix things because that's what she wants her best friend to do. You stand there, give her a drink, look pretty, hug her, tell her she's pretty, and you'll have the most effortless time dealing with her nonsense. Do we like to admit this? No. But men, I just saved you half an hour of listening to her pointless and painful crying and yelling, and spared you the risk of being at fault for her silly, girly emotions.

Back to the awesomeness that is Mindy Kaling.

She went on to say that while he was a jerk, she admired that he didn't shy away from commitment. Here's where I really started to want to read on. She assured me, the curious reader, that this isn't one of those books where she's going to vent about men and their fear and lack of commitment. Instead, she says that she admires that Parker, and other men, commit to things. She "wants a man who is entrenched in his own life." Wow...never thought of it that way. But I suppose it goes with what people have always said. You can't love another until you love yourself. The same can be said for commitment. If one can't commit to any one thing, who's to say that he or she can't commit to you and your needs?

But that's what makes this experience with Coffee Shop Boy so endearing. While I did give him the simple moniker of Coffee Shop Boy, he's pretty much a man. He is committed to buying a house. Two even! He owns his car and his motorcycle. He dresses well and does his homework at a coffee shop on his laptop, refusing to be swayed by the activity all around him. He won't even let the almighty Internet take him off task! That's right. I peeked over his shoulder a few times the nights I saw him. Not once did he check YouTube or Facebook for any nonsense. I found it rather attractive.

I'm curious to read about what else Ms. Kaling has to say about men and dating. I truly am at the point in my life where I'm ready to find a man who wants to take care of me, and who will let me take care of him too. I'm not going to go all domestic diva on him, but I look forward to the day when I help him decide if that sock really is black or blue. I want to learn how to tie his tie, so I can do it for him before he goes to work. All the while, I hope to explore life's little adventures, knowing that I can share them with the man who's grateful I helped him figure out if he chose the right colored socks.

"Is Everyone Hanging out Without Me (And Other Concerns)" will be available nationwide and online on November 1st. Here is the link to read the post on Glamour.com. You can also pick up the November issue at retailers everywhere.

Who Asked Jake Anyway?

The other day, my roommate dropped off my mail on the table. I was happy to see that I got a new Glamour magazine. As I was flipping through colorful pages full of beauty advice, fashion, and more useless sex knowledge, I came across a recurring article called "Ask Jake." This month's topic?

Six Things Not to Worry About on a First Date.

Um, why are some women worried about this crap on the first date? Why should women worry about some of this dreck in general?! Let's go down the list. Jake says don't worry about:

- Wearing the right jeans
- Whether the date "means something"
- The Spanx and push-up bra you have on
- Whether he wants a family
- Paying for dinner at the place he picked
- Whether he's trying to get into your pants

From my many conversations with my guy friends (I like to call the result of these conversations "guypinions"), I have come to the same conclusion each time: guys are very simple creatures. Women are just making this much harder than it should be. Am I guilty? Absolutely! At the same time, it shouldn't take away from enjoying your time with each other.

I will say, I worry about how I look like in front of the men who interest me. So I worry about how my jeans fit. No one thinks a muffin top is cute. According to Jake, he seems to think women worry about what men think about the label on your humps. Sorry Jake, I worry if my pants look like a five pound bag covering ten pounds of potatoes.

What about dates meaning "something"? Here. I'll give you "something" we can all remember: let's just live for the moment. This is why a date is just a date, everyone. Just enjoy each other's company and surroundings. If he asks you out on a second date? Jump for joy! If not? Move along. It's not worth getting upset over. I promise. If he's not upset, why should you be?

Yes, I worry about aesthetics. No, I don't think a push-up bra and Spanx are going to help you. What are you going to do when you take off your nude-colored bike shorts and he sees just how much you were cutting off your circulation? THAT is not attractive. Spanx were created by a woman on accident, and she profited greatly from her creation. She used her intuition, smarts, and gusto to create this brand. Don't let her down.

Family? Apparently, one of Jake's chick friends refused a second date because her date didn't desire marriage right then. Yes, she did want that. Was the third date supposed to be a quickie Vegas wedding? What was she going to do if he did want the same thing as she did? That is how you get crazy women. While you and your dates should have similar goals, you shouldn't want your cake and eat it too immediately. I've said it before, I am being very picky right now. However I refuse to scare away a guy I like with commitment on the first date. Even if I think we have a future.

Who pays for who? I imagine that a man should pay for the first date. Believe it or not, I do have some traditional values. Just because I want a midget catering crew at my wedding doesn't mean that I don't have certain expectations! I agree with Jake here: He asked you out? Let him pay. I will offer to pay sometime in the future. It's only right. Especially if I suggest something he wouldn't be used to. Like grape stomping for wine. Come to think of it...I don't know any straight man who would enjoy that. Hmm...

Finally, all men at any given time when they are with you have thought at least once what it's like to be the friction in your jeans. How he handles that is very indicative of his character. Sometimes, yes, people do put out on the first date and things work out. However, it shouldn't be on your mind when he's suggesting what kind of sushi roll to try. Sushi roll...is that a position?

I worry about first dates. That's the honest truth. Especially if I particularly like the guy! I would definitely enjoy seeing him again! At the same time I won't let my butterflies, standards/expectations, and tattered nerves get in the way of me having a good time. In fact, I want to ensure he has a good time too.

After all, if it's not fun, it can't be worth exploring!


No one likes a poor sport on a first date!
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