If I Lay My Heart on the Table

Sometimes I wonder if I get in-depth enough here when I write. More often than not, I present to you my stories, full of analogies and zany emotional grievances.

But beneath my ribs of steel lies a heart, ready to burst at any given moment; a heart that murmurs nervously more than it beats steadily.

Too often I can't find a happy medium: should I allow myself to give into everything that turns those murmurs into heavy beats, or should I keep it in a cage where it's safe from anything that could touch it?

These are the questions that weigh on my mind. Because how do we know that we are ready to dive in and let go of the things we fear about love and the like? I can preach all day about having fun and not taking things too seriously, but maybe that is really my problem.

I haven't taken myself seriously. My friends can attest to this. I haven't totally considered how the actions of those I allow to walk by my side affect how I love.

But what if I did put my heart out on the table? What would someone say? Someone may examine and see the scar tissue of loves lost and not totally healed. Another might see the stitches I've haphazardly sewn myself because I was too stubborn to let anyone else touch the injured part of me. One person would definitely see the burns which became dark spots, the slowest to recover.

There is a lot going on in my heart, and I assure you not all of it is negative. The parts of my heart that have been hurt the most are the ones I've tried to heal by myself. And the parts of it that are still full of life, are what I want to keep the safest. Those parts are innocent and should not be punished for having good intentions. But experience tells you that exposing your heart means letting people treat it like a specimen...to let it be examined and discarded when it's no longer of use.

Falling in love is scarier to me than jumping out of a perfectly fine aircraft. I walk by myself at midnight and have little fear about what will happen to me. But to expose the ugly, dark side of myself? That's horrifying. There's a struggle when you understand that you can see the bright side of everything. However bright it may be, the light can blind you from seeing what's underneath. That's what happened with CSB when he told me we never were. That's what happened when I decided to continue seeing OGM even though I knew he would move.

I can be selfish and flakey. Rude and obnoxious. Inconsiderate and foolish. Needy and angry. Who wants to see that? I don't like wearing my heart on my sleeve. People who do annoy me. They can't bend and adjust to obstacles. As for me? I try to take the most logical approach to love.

What?

The logical way. Tactical. Having a Plan B in case Plan A doesn't work. To consider all the horrible things that could happen, and creating a mental survival plan because experience taught me that I will get hurt, and I will need to learn to stitch the wounds. Bandages unravel, so I must learn to cauterize.



(Source: zenpencils.com)

Every time I feel my heart try to rattle its cage, I think about the next best way to repair it. Because I know I will let it happen. Believe me, I know it's not the best way to live. And then there's this school of thought: fall in love because it happens naturally, not because the opportunity appears to present itself. Fall in love with the person, not with the act itself.

These thoughts wake me at night. Hell, they prevent me from sleep at night. The difficult part is to dismiss that I am the common denominator in why my relationships crash and burn. The end result is always the same: I learn and move on. Sometimes the end isn't so horrible. Other times, it's devastating.

I'm prattling on because what it comes down to is the biggest question: how much should I hold back from falling for someone? One of the mothers I adopted sympathized with me one time. She told me she falls fast, hard, and at one point very often. I tend to do the same. In an effort to protect what's left of my heart, I hold back. I put on this front that I can move on. It's not me, cupcake...it's you. My time is valuable and I don't want to waste it falling in love only to hit the ground hard. I've done it enough. I don't know how much more my heart can handle. I don't know how many other hands I can trust to touch it.

My burlesque mama is of a different school of thought: enjoy it, but never settle. If I enjoy it, that's how I get blinded by the deceptive rays of something good. It's this game I tend to lose very often.

And then there's TD.

• The way he kissed my shoulder the first time while he was capturing video of my dog acting like a fool for her toy.
• The way he melted into my back while we watched TV
• The way he leaned over, closer to hold my hand while we lay on the couch
• The way he traced my back with his hands and I felt a surge charge all the way from my toes and up to my lips where I met his

And then...

• The way I melt into his arms when he reaches for a hug
• The way I found the perfect nook on his shoulder to lay so I felt safe in his arms
• The way I look forward to hearing him tell me sweet dreams every night
• The way I smile when he asks me to let him know I walked safely into my home and my doors are locked
• The way I felt when he smiled at my excitable reaction to the end of my favorite show

It has been one week of this. Not to say that anyone should put a time stamp to matters of the heart, but when your heart is healing, it knows what it needs for nourishment. I wasn't expecting it this soon, and especially not from him.

Again it's just the way he is so open with me. By showing me he can be comfortable giving the caring part of himself to me this soon, it's like he's giving myself permission to do the same. I guess that's how it's supposed to be...

With bated breath and one eye open, I find the key to the cage. The hesitation is still there, but my hand is holding the key, resting in the lock, almost ready to release it into someone else's hands where I can trust that they will help me heal it so I don't have to do it on my own for awhile...

First There was The Chase. Now What's The Catch?

When it comes to relationships and dating, I vary between two extremes, and nary the two shall meet. I either overthink and question everything, or I live in blissful ignorance. I am trying my damndest to stop this nonsense. I am seriously hoping I can find a man who can help me balance my extremes but keep me challenged.

How am I today, you ask. Right now it seems I'm overthinking everything! I just want to enjoy sweet, simple joys with this One Good Man, and yet I worry that these simple joys will turn into complicated warfare. Think I'm being dramatic? I probably am. I think it makes me more interesting.

Just to clarify, I jumped in head first into my last couple relationships and I am very aware that I overthink or underthink. By going out a few times with this One Good Man, I am moving in the right direction towards being with someone for all the right reasons. But then I wonder am I still moving too fast? Is this too slow? Will he lose interest?

Last time we discussed how crucial I think The Chase is in a relationship. Today, we are discussing The Catch. Right now things seem to be going well...a little too well. And I fear shutting down. So here I am sharing this vulnerability with you, my dear friends.

It's frustrating to really like someone and still have a guarded heart. I'm trying to find the balance between letting someone into my life slowly and accepting that this is a risk. Do I think he's worth it? If he keeps treating me like someone of importance in his life, yes. He is.

Ok fine, I know this is only date #3 we are going on tonight. But obviously I really like this guy enough that I'm worried about this screwing up. And then I remember what my dear friend said to me that night: "Is your gut telling you that it's ok? Then it's ok. Your gut never lies."

Not to dwell too much on my dating past, I will explain my guarded heart to you a bit more in detail. This is where I've gotten blissfully ignorant. When things seemed tough or not worth it anymore, I thought if I stick around long enough, I can definitely make it so! Boy was I wrong. All three times. What can I say, I have been a glutton for punishment! Again, I'm trying to take the right steps to redeem myself.

I worry about things like, well, what if he's playing this game to see how long I'll stick around before he can get me to sleep with him. Or maybe I'm a pity case. These are all foolish insecurities because let's face the cold hard facts here folks: Everyone has either experienced this or at the very least knows someone who has.

So how do you adjust to these insecurities? How soon is it to have that "so what exactly are we doing" talk? I can't help thinking that one year ago something was there. And now here it is again. So it must be worth it. And just maybe I'm worth it too. I've said it before and I'll say it again...

There is always risk in adventure. The least I can ask for is someone to hold my hand as we jump feet first into the deep water.

I hope it's him.

How sad. I think this should be every woman's type.

I Just Came to Say Hello!

I was up late last night listening to the party in the room below and drowning it out with my music. I recently heard a song that got my attention.

This is kind of how I sum up my online dating experience. "Listen dude, I am ever so happy that you find me compelling enough to bug me for a bit. However, it is my duty to inform you that I am only here to wave and say hello. Now I shall bid you good day."

My friends totally know and understand that I was extremely hesitant to try online dating. This is one of the reasons why. All these eager beavers out there just make my skin crawl, which leads me to this question:

Is there a chase involved with online dating?

Let's face it, kids. Ever since the playground we have been hardwired to chase down and torment the boy or girl we like into liking us back, whether they pulled our hair or we pushed them into the sand. But online, it's so easy to avoid being chased just as much as it is difficult to get the attention of someone in whom your interested.

Despite current events, I still have an active online dating account. We'll see if six months is truly guaranteed. Right now I'm being elusive. I haven't logged onto the thing in a couple of weeks. In the meantime, I'm still getting notifications from possible suitors...and by possible I mean they really have a snowball's chance in hell.

The latest notification I got was a wink from a guy who was my age...and he winked in his picture. It was like Inception. Failception even! As I'm typing this, I see he sent me a message. Yes I will judge you for poor grammar, sir. And no we can't talk.

I highly doubt that those who have tried to find me before and send terrible sweet nothings via the interwebs will try to reach me again. In real life, there is a chase. I will bring you to this little ditty right here. I know I'm not going to try and reconnect with men I've previously winked at or sent messages to. Their silence says it all as I'm sure my silence does as well. With real human interaction, you sense the opportunity to try again.

Look at me...I'm trying again one year later.

I challenge you to tell me a successful online chase story .

Selfish or Selfless?

One of my good friends asked us, her close group of girlfriends this very question:

At what point do u stop putting your own feelings/needs/wants after the person's that you care about? Why does every relationship feel like a struggle at some point?

I can say from my past relationships that it's been quite the struggle to figure out when to stop being the savior and start being saved. We all want that perfect relationship, where all fights have resolutions and making up is easy. Where love comes naturally and being together requires little effort. Unfortunately, we don't live in this type of reality!

What hurts me most is looking back and wondering what I missed out on. I used to be so concerned about my partner's well-being that I failed to understand what it is that I'm looking for. I earnestly tried to be the foundation even when the cracks were showing. That's one of the downsides to being an eternal optimist: you hope for the best, no matter what. And yes, it's hurt me every time.

Once again, this is where my writing comes in so handy. It is part of this healing process so I can move on and make more informed dating decisions. It's like buying a car.Yes, I am comparing dating to buying a car right now.

Think about it.

Your first car. Was it convenient? Did it for the most part take you from Point A to Point B with little issue? Did it have quirks that you could appreciate because it made it "your car"? Were you ok with that, or did it feel like you were making excuses? And did you often wonder what car you would choose if you didn't have to cart that jalopy around?

I'm here to inform you that it's much easier to find a better date than a new car. In fact, it's also cheaper. Maybe. Work with me here!

There is so much we do as women for our men. We are hardwired to be providers. But who is there to provide for the providers? Women are so intent to doing it for themselves that they miss the bottom line. You can do it for yourselves lady, but don't do it all for the men too. Let men be men! Let them court you. Hell, let them speak up too without shooting them down. In the meantime, ask yourself: What do you want a man to do for you?

One of the nice things about my position is that I can be that casual observer. I can learn from my friends what it is I want to do for a man and have him show what he can do for me. I don't want to be treated as a convenience. I don't want to dwindle along dating the same guy for a year without knowing where we both stand.Am I saying I want a commitment? Not exactly. However, know now that I'm not here to waste my time. Believe me, it's not fun being the only one carrying the relationship!

What I want is that balance. My friend said it best: you need to be with someone who can handle your crazy as much as they can handle your sanity. I'm not saying I'm a short fuse (don't get me wrong. I'm short. It's us you truly need to fear) all the time, but I don't exactly know how to stay in one place. There's so much exploring to do in this life and I don't want to miss out! However, I know my match can reel me in, caress my face, and show me that it's ok to slow down and enjoy nothingness...to enjoy each other's company.

Relationships require maintenance, much like a car. But when maintaining a car costs more than owning it, it's time to reassess where you stand.

Right now I'm testing a new model. So far it's been a smooth ride, handles with care, and pardon my saying so...but I look good standing next to it too.

I piqued your curiosity again didn't I?

Here I go again on my own...but really, I do this better. Sorry Ms. Kitaen.

For Men: Three things Not to do on Your Online Profile

I know the original format for this blog was to be about online dating. I haven't given up on it quite yet. I just have had other dating ventures to explore. Look at you being all curious. That's another post!

I just want to explore a few things I've seen on profiles that are a bit alarming. To let these seemingly well-meaning guys save face, I won't link their profiles. That's just cruel! That being said, here are what I consider the top three worst offenses.

1. The shirtless cell phone self-portrait

2. The overuse of lines such as "I'm not a douchebag" or worse, "I only look like a douchebag"

3. Sending the wink, message, AND Instant Message in one day

Ok, I understand that a huge part of online dating is looks. But don't make your main profile picture one of you in your dirty bathroom shirtless. It screams narcissm. And that you need to tidy up a bit. No girl wants to use your bathroom and see nail clippings in your sink. In the end, girls want someone to take care of them, whether it's in the sack or on a date. We want to take care of you too, but it can't ALL be about you! Am I being cynical again? If you saw the other three shirtless pics on this one guy's profile you wouldn't argue with me. Then again, he is kinda pretty...

Guys, if you have to explain to ladies that you're not a douchebag, chances are you've been reminded by enough people that you *are* in fact a douchebag. Let your date make that call before telling the Internet! One guy's profile had him in his orange tan glory double-fisting two drinks, with the duck face, spikey hair, shirt mostly unbuttoned, and chest hair ahoy. His opening line? I AM NOT A DOUCHEBAG! I JUST DRESS LIKE ONE.

...wait, so that's what you open with? Not, "I really want to find a girl who gets me" at least? First impressions are everything! Once again men, consider your main profile picture! What do you want women to take away from it? There is a huge difference between "I'm a guy who likes to have fun" and "I can outdrink your friends."

Finally, the overly excited guys. Listen, at least give me five minutes to consider looking at your profile before sending me more messages! One guy, who seemed like a nice respectable male, sent me a wink. I saw my email notification and thought maybe I'll check it out later. Not a priority. Less than a minute later, I get an email stating that the same guy sent me a message. Since he was all antsy in the pantsy, I logged into my profile. No less than a minute later he IM's me!

Look, I'm glad that you think I'm awesome (because let's face it. I am!) but give a girl some room to breathe! Girls enjoy the chase, but it's not a chase if you don't give us time to run away a bit.

The most important thing you can do on your profile is clearly state your intentions and who you are. While the pictures do most of the talking, you need back-up to let your potential wooers know what they're getting into with you!

So men, if I have any men readers, take this all into consideration. Because no girl wants her first date to involve scraping spray tan off her outfit, saving you from another shot, and hearing you explain the origins of your six pack.

Who Asked Jake Anyway?

The other day, my roommate dropped off my mail on the table. I was happy to see that I got a new Glamour magazine. As I was flipping through colorful pages full of beauty advice, fashion, and more useless sex knowledge, I came across a recurring article called "Ask Jake." This month's topic?

Six Things Not to Worry About on a First Date.

Um, why are some women worried about this crap on the first date? Why should women worry about some of this dreck in general?! Let's go down the list. Jake says don't worry about:

- Wearing the right jeans
- Whether the date "means something"
- The Spanx and push-up bra you have on
- Whether he wants a family
- Paying for dinner at the place he picked
- Whether he's trying to get into your pants

From my many conversations with my guy friends (I like to call the result of these conversations "guypinions"), I have come to the same conclusion each time: guys are very simple creatures. Women are just making this much harder than it should be. Am I guilty? Absolutely! At the same time, it shouldn't take away from enjoying your time with each other.

I will say, I worry about how I look like in front of the men who interest me. So I worry about how my jeans fit. No one thinks a muffin top is cute. According to Jake, he seems to think women worry about what men think about the label on your humps. Sorry Jake, I worry if my pants look like a five pound bag covering ten pounds of potatoes.

What about dates meaning "something"? Here. I'll give you "something" we can all remember: let's just live for the moment. This is why a date is just a date, everyone. Just enjoy each other's company and surroundings. If he asks you out on a second date? Jump for joy! If not? Move along. It's not worth getting upset over. I promise. If he's not upset, why should you be?

Yes, I worry about aesthetics. No, I don't think a push-up bra and Spanx are going to help you. What are you going to do when you take off your nude-colored bike shorts and he sees just how much you were cutting off your circulation? THAT is not attractive. Spanx were created by a woman on accident, and she profited greatly from her creation. She used her intuition, smarts, and gusto to create this brand. Don't let her down.

Family? Apparently, one of Jake's chick friends refused a second date because her date didn't desire marriage right then. Yes, she did want that. Was the third date supposed to be a quickie Vegas wedding? What was she going to do if he did want the same thing as she did? That is how you get crazy women. While you and your dates should have similar goals, you shouldn't want your cake and eat it too immediately. I've said it before, I am being very picky right now. However I refuse to scare away a guy I like with commitment on the first date. Even if I think we have a future.

Who pays for who? I imagine that a man should pay for the first date. Believe it or not, I do have some traditional values. Just because I want a midget catering crew at my wedding doesn't mean that I don't have certain expectations! I agree with Jake here: He asked you out? Let him pay. I will offer to pay sometime in the future. It's only right. Especially if I suggest something he wouldn't be used to. Like grape stomping for wine. Come to think of it...I don't know any straight man who would enjoy that. Hmm...

Finally, all men at any given time when they are with you have thought at least once what it's like to be the friction in your jeans. How he handles that is very indicative of his character. Sometimes, yes, people do put out on the first date and things work out. However, it shouldn't be on your mind when he's suggesting what kind of sushi roll to try. Sushi roll...is that a position?

I worry about first dates. That's the honest truth. Especially if I particularly like the guy! I would definitely enjoy seeing him again! At the same time I won't let my butterflies, standards/expectations, and tattered nerves get in the way of me having a good time. In fact, I want to ensure he has a good time too.

After all, if it's not fun, it can't be worth exploring!


No one likes a poor sport on a first date!
Source: Cartoonstock.com

Don't Spill Your Guts; Trust 'em!

That's essentially what I'm gathering is the best approach to dealing with dating.

Before my friend and I went out to the club last weekend, we ended up doing the typical girl thing: talking about boys, switching purses, laughing. So I told her in so many words that I end up being so cynical about relationships and dating. Sometimes, even as optimistic as I can be, I see so much ugly in this world, and while I can only do so much to shape myself around it, it wears me down, and sadly I tend to lose a little bit of home each time.

And with that bit of sadness, here is a song by The Cure

With this caring and sincere look in her eyes, she told me this in so many words:

"Think back to your last relationship. Did it feel like you were always trying to chase something that wasn't there? And was your gut screaming at you telling you that this wasn't right? And think about now. Does it feel right? Are you relaxed? Then go with it. Your gut never lies."

Dammit, I thought. She's right! Why do we as women never learn this lesson? We are so apt to go with the flow even if it means swimming against it. Now I'm not sure about you, but I tend to be a selfless person. The pain you feel? I feel it too. The shirt on my back? Yours. And perhaps the bra if you really need it. Everyone needs a good support system! My loyal friends insist on reminding me (as they probably should) that I need to look after my interests too.

Very often my insight into love and the like stem from my conversations with my near and dear. I can't emphasize how important their opinions are and how they shape my perspective. I also must note that my cyncism is very self-inflicted. Another reason I keep my friends? They remind me that it's ok to enjoy this crazy little thing called love...or something like it.

I reu the day when the cyncism overtakes my sunny disposition. So, for now, I will heed the advice of my best support bra: don't apologize for enjoying yourself, tread cautiously, but not to the point of barely getting your toe wet, and your gut is stronger than the cologne that makes you swoon.