It's That Damn Milkshake

It keeps bringing these boys to the yard. I'm running out of ice cream you guys!


Actually it could have been that supermoon from this week. After all was said and done with The Trainer (who still texts me. Not sure how to feel about that), I took it upon myself to search for potential dating material online. Somehow I ended up signing up on another free dating site.

I don't know if I was just getting desperate, but it's like when you buy raffle tickets at the fair. The more you buy, the better chances you have at winning the prize. I was still having my own pity party. I couldn't understand if I was desirable or if my luck is absolutely awful. My close friend (and second mother) and I had a conversation during a lull at work about the men she knows I've had in my life, along with my recent disappointment with The Trainer. I told her that short of locking up my feelings and girl bits in a box for protection, I don't know if I could keep playing the dating game. My victories have been short lived, and the losses have been grandiose.

"Oh honey," she said with a nurturing look on her face, "I fall in love and fall hard. It's taken me many times before I finally got it right. But if you don't see what's out there, you might be missing out on something good."

Moms. They're good like that. And she's right. While I may moan and groan about how I'm getting too old for this, I am still young. This blog is called Jax Single Girl Adventures! It is inherent in my personality to take risks and enjoy life. While the act of dating is taxing, I think I could train myself to find some enjoyment in it.

So I came home, flipped open my laptop and went through the arduous task of completing yet another online profile.

Within hours, I had multiple men messaging me. One man wants to travel from Tampa to visit. He's hot, but he's got that venereal disease contributor look to him. A grandpa wanted to "take really good care of me." One guy with no picture proposed (that's a new one). And my favorite is the guy who wanted to send me pictures of his man junk because I would be so impressed. Naturally I tried to maintain a cheery disposition about the whole thing. Maybe I'm just weeding out the crazy ones early on.

So this site requires you to answer all of these questions to find out how well you'll match with other men. Their selling point is YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOUR MATCHES! Girl, I've been in control for awhile and let me tell you how awesomely that's worked out. Finally after messaging ten men, which is strongly suggested by this site, I received two responses that piqued my interest.

For sake of time and space, I'll give you stats on each man

Indiana Jones Age 25
- Works in insurance
- Has a Bachelor's, Masters, and is working on his PhD.
- Completed medical school
- Lived four months in Brazil just because
- Avid runner and surfer
- Training a therapy dog

Beer Man (I need to come up with a better name) Age 25
- Works for his father's company
- Native of the city for many years
- Hockey lover
- Enjoys beer and wine since he worked in liquor sales
- Plays guitar
- Movie buff
- Tennis player

As you can see, one looks better on paper than the other. Take a look at your life for a quick moment. You may have encountered these two types of people at some point: Future Husband/Wife of the Year and The Bachelor/Bachelorette Party. Indy sounds like the former, and Beer Man could be the latter. In all fairness, you can only know so much from an online profile.

And this is the weird and difficult part. I really like them both. I talked to Indy on the phone for almost two hours. We had an amazing conversation about books, his life in Brazil, and our dogs. A few problems that could potentially mean bad news for us: he's an avid interrupter, and he has a lifestyle that's more homebody that social butterfly. He indicated in his profile that he got most if it out of his system, and doesn't want to go out as much anymore, even on the weekends. He also said, he isn't sure if he's willing to meet in person. I know what you're thinking: why are you even here dude?

Look, I enjoy sitting and home with my dog and reading. However, my hobbies and interests almost require me to have late nights and after parties. I would like to share that with someone. We're both seeking long term, which is good, but the more I meet new men, the more I wonder if stay at home girlfriend is what I need right now.

Beer Man lives in my neighborhood, which is filled with all the bars and restaurants to satisfy a foodie with an appetite for fun. After reviewing his answers to some of the questions to see if we had the same ideals, I had some hesitation. Whether or not he took these survey questions is still not clear. Basically, he is a sexual being and is okay to let people know. It's not to say I'm not myself, but I'm not answering any questions about my past sex life for all to see, nor am I here to hook up.

I barely chatted with him online and texted him before he asked for my number and if I'd like to meet for a beer.

Woah, cowboy.

I was definitely taken aback. Again, looking on the bright side, I thought two things: if he sees what he likes, he's going after it. He isn't twiddling his thumbs like Indy. And what else did I have to do on a Saturday night? I'm Jax Single Girl! I'm ready for adventure!

So I wore a dress, and quickly changed into jeans and a tank, because I thought my curves should not immediately be on display to a man who publicly answered that he likes to be dominant in bed. In practice with my first date rule, I kept it close to home and had an emergency text at the ready.

I can sincerely say that I had the best first date of my life.

When an adventurer meets another adventurer, the prospect of exploration becomes a journey of wondrous possibilities.

But we'll save that for the next entry...

Boyfriend Application

It wasn't most ideal, but The Trainer texted that he is moving for sure, and didn't want to get into something knowing one of us (or both of us) would get hurt. However, I respect a man who lets me know right away. He did let me know that he felt bad about how impersonal it was, but the sooner we figure it out, the better.

He's right. And no...we both don't like it. In fact, we are still talking casually. Not much harm done.

But I was Bad Decision Kitty and decided it was worth it to check if anything was different on my profile. I may have given another guy my number. Chatted with a few other men. No matter. I'm Jax Single Girl. I have adventures. Sometimes my adventures lead to poor decisions. I'm not trying to go that way, but it's like they say: plenty of fish in the sea...just through out the line. Right?

Anyhow, I remember a post I submitted awhile ago about Matthew Grey Gublar's "Girlfriend Application." You may know him very well from Criminal Minds as Dr. Spencer Reid. Or as Joseph Gordon Levitt's friend in 500 Days of Summer, the angsty hipster love story of this generation. His character in the movie said "She's better than the girl of my dreams...she's real."

Why do I have such a hard time finding someone who believes that and will stay? The men I encounter either don't and lead me on, or the do and they leave. The cynic in me thinks I'm what's wrong: the common denominator. But I don't want to be the cynic. I want to be the ardent believer that love can happen to anyone. If it can happen to Honey Boo Boo's mom, it could happen to me.

So here it is. This is my boyfriend application. I am accepting them right now so feel free to pay it forward.

(Source: Sedonafilmschool.com)

Wanted: A companion

Must love dogs. Other four legged animals are acceptable. No spiders please.

Body type is negotiable, but please be presentable with caring eyes and open arms

Laughter must be part of your genetic make-up, but not always at my expense

Hugs are important. I appreciate when they come from a genuine place

Friendship is a must. Put the friend in boyfriend and we're off to a great start

While I prefer tea, I am willing to drink coffee as long as we can have great conversations

Though I am an eternal optimist, I have my bad days. Cheer me on, but challenge my neurosis

I like holding hands. Please hold them as if to protect me from scary monsters under the bed

Don't be offended by beer burps. I take pride in my own brand

Piercings and tattoos are not taboo. You are a canvas as I am as well.

Pessimists, Debbie Downers, and the lazy need not apply

If you can come up with more creative shapes for clouds, you have already won me over

Kindness is a must. There is always someone who has it worse than you or me

Please have some sense of culture. I like to talk about books, music, and movies. Yes, The Hangover counts as culture

Halloween is my favorite holiday. Let's dress up and eat all the candy

What I mean to say is cuddle me, remember tacos are better than burritos, and bring out the best in me as I will for you

I look forward to the response.

Where oh where to begin?!

Dating happens.

Falling in love happens.

Falling out of love happens.

Breaking up, unfortunately, happens.

FINDING OUT VIA TEXT SHOULD NOT HAPPEN!

I could write all day and preach about the importance of communication, and the importance of being a doting partner and a willful lover. But really, it would do no good. That and while he did fail me, I too failed myself. My friends told me I let too much go, and didn't stand up for what I wanted.

Human connection in any form is what I wanted. Someone to talk to everyday is also what I wanted. A boy to take care of me late at night (open to interpretation, by the way) is what I wanted most times. And guess what? That's what I got.

I didn't get what I needed. The hardest lesson (and the most humbling) is realizing that I was in this alone. He started to stray and I kept my blind optimism, as I usually do. He didn't take away from me; I took away from myself.

More than anything after The Great Text Dump of 2013 (we'll get to that soon, don't you worry), I sulked in my room, caked in tears, mad at myself for letting this happen to me. I should have seen the signs: less talking/texting, less staying over, less kisses, and more awkward hugs. Maybe he was just busy and stressed with school, I thought. Clearly I was wrong.

I felt like
Carrie in Sex and The City getting dumped with a Post-It Note. I don't recall, but maybe her message was much nicer than mine.

"Sorry if I treated you like a rebound"

Wait...what? Clearly, that was news to me.

I sat at the bar that cool Wednesday night, crying shamefully with two of my friends. He was right, I thought. I was only a rebound.

So I did what any girl does in these situations: I got my hair done, threw myself into projects, and posted insanely sad stuff online. Hell, I even adopted a dog. She saved me from continuing to feel so worthless.

However, there is magic in the struggle for clarity. Because of this, I finally understood that it was okay. And if it isn't okay, it would be. My support system reminded me of the usual things people say in this situation: it's his loss, you're beautiful, he's awful, you're amazing, etc.

More than that though, I had to learn to love myself again and be happy on my own. That's where the dog comes in. That's where throwing myself into running happened. I accomplish way more on my own. I am still learning what I need. But the fact of the matter is, his horrible text taught me that it is okay to be sad, angry, and heartbroken because the end result is that it forces me to deal with my dating failures as a stronger individual.

Suffice it to say, I don't feel worthless currently. In fact, I feel empowered. Not being with CSB helped me understand that it's time now for me to focus on what it is I need out of life, which isn't just love or something we try to make feel like love. It's enlightening to think of all the things I've done myself without someone by my side.

I know you're probably wondering what it is I discovered about what I need. Well...

I need a partner.

Someone who wants to take care of me as much as I can take care of him.

Independence.

Goals.

A good listener.

A cheerleader.

While these discoveries sound so obvious, I must say it was humbling to finally embrace them. I'm not getting old by any means, but I am at the point in my life where I am not settling for someone  less than deserving of changing my last name. All of those needs? I deserve them.

So I took a break, played with fire, cuddled a mutt, read some books, signed up for some races, and in the interim, decided to check out online dating again. After two weeks of courageously messaging potential suitors, and dodging guys with names like YourRealPrince and MrGoodbar, I talked to someone who seemed worth my time.

Bright blue eyes, a subtle smile, and an adorable dog caught my attention. His ambition, our conversations, and his curiosity about me is what held it.

Let's call him...The Trainer.

When a ship sets sail...

So I've been noticeably absent. Don't get me wrong. I never said I wasn't single anymore. I just happened to be distracted by OGM. And then...reality hit. 

So, a couple weeks ago he texted me that he had something to tell me. I said, ok, so just tell me. Apparently then was not the time. Okay, ladies and gentleman. I have an annoucement: Now is either a bad time or it's the only time. Choose wisely! I digress...flash forward to a few days ago.

"I move this Saturday"

So...September isn't it then, I thought? He followed this heavy-sighed statement with "we shouldn't continue." Which, again, is fine. I think I've been prepared for this. In fact we had quite the routine:

- Sundays were days catching up on a certain favorite TV show
- Tuesdays were more of the same. He'd make us dinner
- Thursdays were spent drinking and laughing
- Friday we may go out somewhere

This, coupled with work, is why I have been quiet on the Single Girl front. I think, I believe, we had to savor the moment. Live the present. Be together because we knew this couldn't happen after he left. In his own words, "he needed something good in his life." And believe me, I'm honored by this. It's really sweet.

When he would hold me late at night, brushing the hair away from my face, sighing deep into my neck, I could tell that he didn't want to be alone on this ship. A lonely captain, weakly grabbing control, and venturing out into new territory, unsure of what he'll find. I will be there in some shape or fashion with him. I am there with him. But that's because he chooses to.

Believe it or not, I'm not heartbroken. I prepared for this. It stings a little bit, but I have made great strides to emotionally detach myself from falling *gasp* in love. And yet this boy confuses the life out of me.

Who follows "we can't continue" with "I want to see you again" or "do you really have to leave" or "what about seeing you Saturday or Sunday." Don't get me wrong. This isn't just about sex. Yes, sex is a part of it. In fact, this is the closest I've ever felt to knowing what it feels like to make love. However, I have continuously come to the same conclusion ever since he (we?) decided to stop after he moves.

I will feel this way with someone else

And that has what has kept me sane the last month. It's not a mantra. It's a fact. I know I will feel this way with another person. It's like my best friend reminded me: maybe this is some higher deity's way of saying "you can feel a mutual emotional connection with a good man." And this is my conscience following that up with "and you will feel it again." 

I adore OGM. He is truly a good man, a good person, and he treated me well and made me happy. But I can and will move on. This is his ship. He has chosen to go into the great wide open without me at his side. And I can't blame him. No one ever wants to feel held back, nor does a really good person ever want to hold someone back from fulfilling, what they believe, some destiny they need to seize.

The more I continue with my single girl adventures, the more I understand my own destiny. I know what it is I want in a relationship and from a man that I potentially want as my partner. However, I do know that I may not need it right now. And that's okay too.

In the interim, I will lift my own sails and venture into my own unknown. Besides, this wouldn't be the first time me and OGM have parted ways. And it's not the first time we have reunited. In life, there are many possibilities. In love, when you experience these possibilities, it's amazing what you learn about your own heart...and his.

Besides...I may have another date soon. This guy? Apparently attended the Naval Academy and asked me out for a discussion about zombie outbreak defense over milkshakes. Did I ever tell you I don't have a type?

Anchors Aweigh!

Au revoir, mi amor