Ok, Let's Catch you up to Speed

I have been awful...careless even in the last few months with this blog. Let's call that my dark period. Without boring you with the boring insanity that is the life of Jax Single Girl, I will try to elaborate on why the period of late September early November was a dark and trying time.

• Remember Philly? Turns out that I was Plan B, and only went on a date with me because...I don't know. Testing out the waters? If he was going to do that to his girl with me, who's to say he wouldn't try that once it had the potential to go somewhere.
• Heartbreak Grade: B+. I really liked him.
• Dragon got psychotic. He texted me after me not talking to him for about a month and complained about me not talking to him. Being the man of whatever relationship we had, I became logical and told him I didn't see the problem because I really had no reason to talk to him. So he threatened to unfriend me on Facebook and told me to delete his number.
• Heartbreak Grade: F. I wrote his number on the bathroom wall of a dingy bar.
• Ginger Dom: I had a long distance texting (sexting?) BDSM relationship. It terrified and excited me. He wanted a ho and a housewife. I was definitely neither of those things.
• Heartbreak Grade: D. I was scared as a sub to tell my dom that it wasn't going to work out. But he didn't kidnap and torture me in the bad way, so all is definitely well.
• The Musician: My friend tried to set me up with a musician she knew. He was flakey. The timing was awful. His father had passed away right before we were going to meet, and I was starting to talk to somebody else. You snooze, you lose. I did feel bad about the timing, but my friend also warned (and reminded) me that he was a starving artist.
• Heartbreak Grade: C. I could see a few fun dates with him, but I also was in no position to be a mother and a provider.

There were a couple more men in between this ridiculous list, but they were just hook-ups. And those hook-ups were on my terms. I was truly starting to believe that this is it. I am going to amount to nothing more than the girl who men make poor decisions with to prepare them for real women they could bring home. I thought if that was going to be it, then I might as well wear that badge with pride.

Brother Bear joked about my stable of "he-bitches." Well, what should have been prize-winning horses turned out to be a bunch of busted donkeys.

Clearly...

I deleted both of my online dating accounts and, at the time, focused on the possibilities of who else was there. I really held out hope for The Musician. It was no one's fault it didn't work out. If there's anything I learned from online dating, it's that you can only force something to happen so much and learn to lower your expectations (yeah, I said it) because you don't know what you're going to get...until a dude with a mullet shows up to take you to dinner. Yes, we left that guy out of the list up there.

The Musician was supposed to meet me at one of my fire shows. Well, he just plain didn't show up. No matter. I was more focused on putting on one of the best shows our group has ever done anyway.

But...someone else was there. Someone who was always there. He was in a group of mutual friends and was at every show. He was always kind but somewhat unassuming. That night I noticed he was hovering a bit. Every time I would move to another place at the bar, he wouldn't be too far behind. He would try to make conversation, but this time it felt a little different. It didn't feel forced but it felt like he was making a point to get my attention.

The Jedi and I shared a lot of laughter and smiles that night until the early morning, and I kicked myself for the many months I didn't realize that he was right there in front of me.

But that's another story...

Where oh where to begin?!

Dating happens.

Falling in love happens.

Falling out of love happens.

Breaking up, unfortunately, happens.

FINDING OUT VIA TEXT SHOULD NOT HAPPEN!

I could write all day and preach about the importance of communication, and the importance of being a doting partner and a willful lover. But really, it would do no good. That and while he did fail me, I too failed myself. My friends told me I let too much go, and didn't stand up for what I wanted.

Human connection in any form is what I wanted. Someone to talk to everyday is also what I wanted. A boy to take care of me late at night (open to interpretation, by the way) is what I wanted most times. And guess what? That's what I got.

I didn't get what I needed. The hardest lesson (and the most humbling) is realizing that I was in this alone. He started to stray and I kept my blind optimism, as I usually do. He didn't take away from me; I took away from myself.

More than anything after The Great Text Dump of 2013 (we'll get to that soon, don't you worry), I sulked in my room, caked in tears, mad at myself for letting this happen to me. I should have seen the signs: less talking/texting, less staying over, less kisses, and more awkward hugs. Maybe he was just busy and stressed with school, I thought. Clearly I was wrong.

I felt like
Carrie in Sex and The City getting dumped with a Post-It Note. I don't recall, but maybe her message was much nicer than mine.

"Sorry if I treated you like a rebound"

Wait...what? Clearly, that was news to me.

I sat at the bar that cool Wednesday night, crying shamefully with two of my friends. He was right, I thought. I was only a rebound.

So I did what any girl does in these situations: I got my hair done, threw myself into projects, and posted insanely sad stuff online. Hell, I even adopted a dog. She saved me from continuing to feel so worthless.

However, there is magic in the struggle for clarity. Because of this, I finally understood that it was okay. And if it isn't okay, it would be. My support system reminded me of the usual things people say in this situation: it's his loss, you're beautiful, he's awful, you're amazing, etc.

More than that though, I had to learn to love myself again and be happy on my own. That's where the dog comes in. That's where throwing myself into running happened. I accomplish way more on my own. I am still learning what I need. But the fact of the matter is, his horrible text taught me that it is okay to be sad, angry, and heartbroken because the end result is that it forces me to deal with my dating failures as a stronger individual.

Suffice it to say, I don't feel worthless currently. In fact, I feel empowered. Not being with CSB helped me understand that it's time now for me to focus on what it is I need out of life, which isn't just love or something we try to make feel like love. It's enlightening to think of all the things I've done myself without someone by my side.

I know you're probably wondering what it is I discovered about what I need. Well...

I need a partner.

Someone who wants to take care of me as much as I can take care of him.

Independence.

Goals.

A good listener.

A cheerleader.

While these discoveries sound so obvious, I must say it was humbling to finally embrace them. I'm not getting old by any means, but I am at the point in my life where I am not settling for someone  less than deserving of changing my last name. All of those needs? I deserve them.

So I took a break, played with fire, cuddled a mutt, read some books, signed up for some races, and in the interim, decided to check out online dating again. After two weeks of courageously messaging potential suitors, and dodging guys with names like YourRealPrince and MrGoodbar, I talked to someone who seemed worth my time.

Bright blue eyes, a subtle smile, and an adorable dog caught my attention. His ambition, our conversations, and his curiosity about me is what held it.

Let's call him...The Trainer.

That one Moment

When you are holding each other
Feeling each others' warmth
Sharing soft kisses
Not wanting to let go
Tracing each others' shadows in the darkness with your eyes
Silent other than the sound of content sighs
Along with the sound of hearts breaking and growing
Fingers intertwined
Hair falling over your face
His hand pushing it aside
His chest on your back
Lips on your shoulder
Sheets like a loose cocoon
The rising of two bodies
The falling of two hearts
Three words you want to say
But know you simply can't
And the three words you say
But simply don't want to

But it's not any easier than getting up and walking away.
In fact it's just as difficult.

The Lift before the Fall

Sorry for the lack of posting. I was busy having a life and dating I suppose.

And with that, the title says it all: the lift before the fall. I am in a world of hurt.

OGM is moving in September.

Very few words can describe this news. The most notable of the few is "heartbreak." I find One Good Man, and this isn't fair. Once again, our timing is absolutely horrible. We have decided, at this point, not to continue after he leaves. Of course that is easier said than done. Rest assured, we both have feelings invested at this point. And with this dizzying teacup ride, we will see what happens.

He told me earlier this week and I think I handled it well. I had to remind him this wasn't up to me. I wanted to continue seeing him. I suppose the call it summer love for a reason, right? Last night, he completely broke down to me about the hardships he's had the past year and he said the kindest words I've heard for the longest time.

You're amazing.

That's what makes this transition even harder for me. He is such a good man to me. Warning me that he's leaving. Feeling bad that this conversation even had to happen. This is the worst kind of heartbreak because what we have has a deadline. So add "not fair" to the way I'm feeling right now.

My best friend was saying that maybe this is God's way of saying that I can have a special kind of relationship like this...but maybe this isn't right quite yet. Again, it doesn't make it hurt any less. My throat is closing in, my chest quivering, and my body in general is sulking at this news.

And last night, he laid on my chest as we comforted each other. I have to remember that I am not on this blinding rollercoaster by myself. He said more words to me that didn't make this terrible news easier to hear.

Your heart is beating really fast. It's called I'm falling hard for you and the bottom is going to be ripped from under me. Well...that's what I wanted to say. Instead, I played coy and told him that it's beating fast for number of reasons. As we stared at each other, knowing the difficult months that lay ahead, he pulled me closer. His hazel eyes pierced my heart once again.

I know this isn't the usual uplifting and humorous post of which you all are accustomed. But what's dating without a little letdown, right? In a perfect situation, he would realize I'm the reason to stay and we can carry on talking about each other's heartbeats and telling jokes. Alas no situation is perfect. And all I am left with is this feeling of being lonely with him. Most would just say "stop seeing him and move on."

But it's difficult to move on when you both finally recognize something great. And that is the risk of falling in love. There are no easy decisions. There are only sacrifices, big and small, and figuring out how to embrace the risks and savor the moments you have together. I don't know what will happen now. Oh time...how you continue to punish me.

The hardest part is knowing you have something great, and being forced to let it go.