My Armor is Weak

I joke that my knight in shining armor is more likely to be a knight in rusty tinfoil. That's not to say that the damsel doesn't protect herself as well. While I am a lady who carries my femininity with care, I am also a warrior who fights to protect what is mine:

My heart. Whether these men realize it or not, that is what they fight for. I didn't put myself out there just to get free dinner and have all the fun adventures. No, those are the stops on the journey, not the destination. Ultimately, I do want to reward someone the prize of my heart. But experience has taught me that men need to fight for it. I have handed it from my weak, unsteady hands, and even tossed it to the closest one who stretches out his arms.

Not this time. The biggest change I've experienced on this leg of the journey is that I have multiple knights out there at the ready. It's my call whether or not they even get the chance to joust.

This is why I am so enamored with fire play. It's the manipulation and control of an element that's particularly dangerous, but without it I feel vulnerable. I joke with my show family that I try to treat my performances as burlesque with fire because if you take that away from me, I'm only a girl, wide-eyed and imagining the crowd naked right before a speech. Fire protects me. I devise so many ways to protect myself from the dangers of falling hard for someone.

Even The Trainer called me cynical. It was the night I got tequila sassy while texting him. The irony is that I was calling him out on whether or not he'd behave the next time he saw me (which he did, and that's definitely fine). He kept saying he would. And one of the philosophies I've carried for years came from one of my best friends. He always said to believe nothing you hear and half of what you see. Well, that's exactly what I told The Trainer. I'm fairly certain that the statement sounded like a cynical drunken mess.

It's true though. Maybe I should rephrase it as this: believe nothing you hear, half of what you see, and deny nothing you feel.

Before I post, I like to go back to what I've written early on in these (mis)adventures. One such post was about trusting one's gut. My friend is a beautiful divorcee who still continues to have her own dating adventures. Like anyone else who tries it, she has her hits and misses, but comes out of each experience with a wealth of knowledge.

"Your gut never lies. Trust your gut."

Yeah, I could do that, but I'm stubborn and imaginative. Why oh why would I try to face the reality of any situation, especially if I can manipulate it into something I can control? Something that I can use to protect myself from what could harm me?

That brings me to Dragon. He continues to challenge me and peel back the layers of who I have the potential to be. My efforts to keep the wall between us are failing. My veil is slipping, and the bricks are cracking. I can't deny that he is where I want to be anymore. I know this contradicts what I've said recently, but I also know finding other distractions (The Teacher, Philly, etc.) isn't going to hide the truth.

Dragon shows me. He shows me what he wants and needs from me, and more often than not, I hesitate to reciprocate. This creates a struggle for me because it's not fair to hold back what I know I have to give, but he still wears a red stamp on his forehead that screams non-committal.

But what am I seeing?

I spent most of my weekend with him. Saturday before he went into work, he stopped by to catch up on the episodes of our show he missed the week before. Without fail, he always puts his arms around me on the couch, and he rests his head on my shoulder. I usually find myself upright, gently grazing his hand to hold it, but never making myself to comfortable, even on my own couch. Because giving in means making the most vulnerable part of me exposed.

Yet isn't that what being with someone is? I fail to remember that dating isn't a straight and narrow course. Yeah, even with all my dating experiences, I forget. It's not meeting Person A, 3-5 awesome dates, The Talk, and on our merry (marry? No way, I forbid that) way. It's complex and confusing. Being with someone, whether you intend to be with him/her for a little or a lot-tle, means giving a piece of you to share and trusting that you are safe in his/her care.

So Dragon stayed for an episode, and again we found ourselves in my bed. After all was said and done, I was in his arms again, sharing laughs and dozing off for a cat nap before he had to leave. The funny thing is that this time, I fell into his arms. I purposely curled into him to listen to his heart beat. I traced my fingertips behind his ear to his shoulder to understand the power of his arms, and why I am trusting them to protect me.

I'm trusting him with this part of me.

He then did his short shift at work, then invited me to watch his friend's band play. We only stayed for a little bit, but he looked at me as we were leaving to ask if I was hungry. I knew he had been putting in a lot of hours at work and at school, so I know he was tired and not eating that well. Instead of picking up something quick and heading back to his place, he decided to cook me dinner. It was as lovely as it sounds. It was really late, so the fact that we went to pick up groceries so he can make something was incredibly kind and unexpected. I even felt guilty that I didn't help, but mostly it was because I was taken aback by it. We even had a laugh because we picked up $2 plastic mini wine bottles to enjoy with our meal.

After dinner, we watched a few videos. I then saw the time and it was approaching dawn. Though I hesitated, I decided to stay overnight with the stipulation that I would leave early to make it home to my dog. I was tired and the ride home would be dangerous after a few drinks. But we shared another intense session together, hands held, eyes locked, feeding into each other's desires. I wanted to wake up with him much later in the day. It felt nice knowing that every time I tossed or turned, he'd reach for me.

Later that day, when he came over we lay on the couch to watch the current episode. But this time I stretched out my arms and brought him closer to my heart, still rattling in its cage, slowly making an escape. I caressed him and felt him melt into me. I want to trust him with that part of myself, and I am slowly allowing him to do so. I was starting to show him that I can be open...because he trusts himself to be open with me.

My armor doesn't offer the finest protection. I am the first to admit that. But after all the walls I've built, and all the times I've carelessly treated my heart, I know I eventually need to let someone in. Dragon is certainly giving it a fighting chance.

I have a doggy date with The Trainer this week, and dinner date with Philly next weekend. I don't know what that means for what's been going on in my heart. The Dragon has by no means tamed me, but other suitors are lining up to try. I need to be open with Philly and let him know I am dating other people...

...because Dragon may soon take the damsel away from her castle and into a different leg of her journey.

Three to a Match

Okay so I was overdue for a bad first date.

The Teacher was a bust.

First of all, he sends me a text talking about our discussion earlier that day to meet at 8PM. Ok, that's understood. Less than five minutes pass where I don't respond and he texts me the elusive "K?"

Dude I'm busy! Clearly it couldn't wait...

So I drove 30 miles out of my way to meet him. He told me he'd be five minutes late. That five minutes quickly turned into 30 minutes. I told him what I was wearing and that I was outside the restaurant. Instead of walking up, he told me to meet him in the parking lot. You better believe I was thrilled to have an emergency text ready to be sent to my best friend.

(Imagine a brunette Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys)

JSG Dating Rule #1: If you're going to use a picture of yourself on your profile, please make sure it's you. It's courteous. However, this is my fault. He only had 10% of his profile complete, and I would later find out that he had only been on the site for a few days. Yes, he is a teacher and works at a gym. But he's also special. Yes, that kind of special. Don't get me wrong. I'm not one to down anyone with a mental disability, but the problem I had with this is that he completely lied. He lied about his picture AND was not upfront. I understand it's probably held him back from dating before but this was big for me. I was already trying to formulate an escape plan.

He had coke-bottle glasses, was short, and had a lisp. I had been duped.

So being the adventurer that I am, I decided to at least get one beer out of it. When the server arrived, I declined a menu and ordered the darkest beer; the kind that matched the hole in my soul for driving 30 minutes away from my turf for a bad date. I chugged it on an empty stomach. In all fairness, he was completely nice, and we had some good conversations. But...

JSG Dating Rule #2: Never mention a second date until you've made it through the first. After slugging back my beer, I ordered a water. I started to see a glimmer of hope when he was done with his beer, but he ended up ordering another. So I sat there and nursed my stale lemon water, trying to fight through the frustration. He mentioned that I would learn to love the water if I would join him and his family on their boat.

I almost choked on a lemon seed. He tried to convince me that the picture was him. Now he's trying to convince me that he could change my opinion.

After a few moments of forced conversation (and one awkward racist comment from him), I brought up the elephant in the room, and asked how long he had been on the site. That's when I learned that he had only been there for a few days. Then I did what I have never, ever wanted to do on a dating adventure: I became a hypocrite and lied. I told him I couldn't stay because I had to be up early the next day (I'm a night owl, obviously). And that I was only on the site to simply meet new people. I saw his pupils shrink behind his glasses, and his face drew long. He thought this was going well, and here I am crushing his spirit. I needed something stronger than murky lemon water at this point.

Before the check came out, I forced a smile, thanked him for a beer, shook his hand, and wished him good luck. Shuffling my tall boots, hoping it didn't look like I was running, I walked out of the door not looking back. This made...makes me feel awful. But I have always said my time was valuable. But here I was, a hypocrite like him. And I tried to justify it. Would any girl in my situation do the same thing?

Once I made it to my car, I called my best friend. Let me tell you about her a bit: blissfully married to my other best friend, both of whom I set up (I make better decisions for others than I do for myself). Bed time is almost always 9PM. She has no vices (she says she'll save those for me). However, she is my kindred spirit who will accept a phone call at 10PM if my life depended on it. This was one of those times:

"So it must have either been really awesome or absolutely horrible if you're calling me about the date. I know you said you had an emergency text ready, but wow"

I then spouted off at least ten run-on sentences explaining my situation. Her reaction ranged from fair sympathy to uproarious laughter. In hindsight, I'm glad I shared that laugh with her.

Through the long drive home, I considered the events of my day. Earlier plans for a movie with The Trainer fell through. At that moment with my windows down on the highway, I longed to be sitting in a cold theater rather than a loud bar with my horrible date. And Dragon was out of town for the day. He asked what I was doing later that night. Somehow it seems appropriate to add this:

I mentioned that I was out in a different part of town. Once again I became a hypocrite. We haven't labeled ourselves, so why is it his business to know who I was with? Maybe it's like Dating Darwinism: to survive in the dating world, we go through some tough spots in our evolution as mates. We maim others and garner new skills to survive. This is my way of protecting myself to ensure optimal survival.

 

After a few flirtatious texts, Dragon made his way to my side of town. I had every intention of staying home after the bad date. It was safer. I knew Dragon had homework, so I did the right thing after many hypocritical moments that night, and told him he should focus on getting his work done. Logic goes out the window after midnight, so he ended up staying over.

 

Yes, I let a man stay over. My dog wasn't happy about it. In fact she made a statement mess next to my bed as if to say "there can only be one. She's mine, not yours." Luckily he took that in stride.

 

We had multiple sheet pulling sessions that night. In between them we would laugh and tell stories to each other. In the early hours of the morning, we talked about everything that makes us happy. This is the first time I've felt that he let the seductive performer take a seat, and asked the softer, gentler side of me to dance. This is the connection I crave: for someone to appreciate the two of many sides that make up who I am.

 

Once again, I had to dodge mixed signals with Dragon. We laid there in between one of our trysts, caressing each other, and he said eyes widened and a playful smirk on his face:

"You know this is a big deal for me as someone who doesn't want to be tied down or committed"

If this isn't what we want, why are we here?  I'm not sure how much of that he meant, and honestly I simply ignored that statement. Everything he shows me seems to void those words. I'm not the one texting first. I'm not the one trying to make time for him. That's all him. It's not to say that I don't make an effort on my end, but he initiates it. Always.

Chemistry: An attraction that can't be quantified or explained.  We both don't deny that the chemistry isn't there. In one passage of Rachel Machacek's Science of Single, she talks to a woman named Dorothy who is in charge of dating seminars. She says that chemistry the bad boy, not someone that you need. Because really what girl doesn't enjoy a bad boy? The chemistry is damn-near intoxicating. And for now, I am find getting drunk from it.

So we held each other close. He fell asleep with his arms around me. Whenever I adjusted my position, he would too, never letting me stray too far from where he was. His hand would find my own, and hold it to would pull me near. I would turn and bury my face into the perfect nook of his shoulder, tracing my fingertips on his arms as he would gently caress my hair, kissing my cheek. If this isn't what we want, why are we here?

I am forcing myself to go with the flow. My friends try to break it down as simply as they can for me: if you're having fun, and he's game to play with you, then what's the problem? There should be no need to analyze this. If I'm happy and he's seemingly happy, then a problem doesn't exist. It sounds delusional to me, but maybe I can find a happy medium.

When morning broke the dawn, I met his widened gaze that greeted me good morning. I immediately reacted with a grin, nuzzled into his shoulder and said it back.

"I'm really glad a spent the night with you"

He said these words while he rested his chin against my chest. With a warm grin, I opened my arms and brought him as close as I could. I didn't want to say anything even though I shared the same sentiment. I only wanted him to feel my spirit aching to reach out to him. The heart and spirit that is a caged bird, ready to fly blindly into his sight.

There is a superstition dating back to WWI. It is considered a bad omen to light three cigarettes to a match. The enemy can spot the first spark. And then he'll trace it to a second spark. By the third, the location of the soldiers is clear, and they are open in an attack. I'm applying the same superstation to my dating life. It is nearly impossible to juggle three men, and now we're down to two. It's not a duel or a joust for my affection though. I'm not here to break any hearts. Whether it's with Dragon or The Trainer I would like something to work out.

But for now, I'm hiding the pack of matches. Safety first.

"Do You Want to go on an Adventure?"

Quivering with anticipation (or hormones), I woke up the other morning, bleary-eyed but excited about my date with The Adventurer (TA) that night.

I remembered I could be an attractive girl, and put on a grey dress that hugged my curves. It had 3/4-sleeves, and hit above my knees. As always, I paired that dress with black boots with a blue zipper in the back of them. This is my uniform: a dress always paired with boots. This was also what I avoided on my first date with TA. In a way I'm glad because he had those damn hungry eyes. He could wait for that, I thought. So I broke the norm, and put on some make-up and did my hair before walking out to greet the day.

As I got into work, my boss sensed something different. Usually I'm wearing work pants, a blouse (fine, a flannel shirt), and boots. "What's going on? Look at you! You look great!" he exclaimed, with that mint julep Southern drawl.

"...I have a date tonight."

"Oh? With The Trainer?!"

"No...another guy"

Eyebrows raised he said allright then, and stopped prying. Before anyone blows any whistles out there, my boss is awesome; the right mix of fatherly figure, motivator, and jokester. This conversation could have happened with anyone.

Anyway...

I continued to slave at my desk, wandered to different departments, not hearing a word about where I was going tonight. The damsel in me figured he's the man who asked me out in the first place. I'll let him make the plans. It's strange to say it since I do take pride in holding my own and taking care of myself, which brings me to Queen B and her girls:

Finally the text I was waiting for all day: he remembered (good job) my favorite restaurant and he wanted to go because he had never tried it. I said I'd meet him there.

Later on, I walked towards this place that with the best of intentions, but apprehensive about my needs. Not those needs but...you know? NEEDS.

By no stretch of the imagination am I a prude, but I'm definitely not a girl who hits it and quits. But it had been awhile. I carried a hip-rolling strut with my stride. Maybe, if it did happen, it would be okay....

Once I opened the door to the restaurant, I was greeted with a smile and those eyes. They wandered up my figure happily before our hostess led us to the table.

This restaurant is my favorite for many reasons: the large windows made for people watching, the live music (which happened to be going on that night), and of course the food. We barely browsed the menu before he decided to surprise me again. I told him I usually get The Zen of Zin wine. I figured he knew of it from his past job as a liquor salesman.

"Want to just get a bottle?"

A bottle? Most guys just buy you a singular drink with dinner, right? Then again, I don't know much about going out on dates. Since he was in, I was in. The scenery was completely forgettable for me. What sticks out for me is just how much we talked and laughed...the way his elbows rested on the table, hands clasped just gazing at me with those blue eyes. The way I could never figure out if I should part my hair one way or the other, but settling on twirling and behind my ears instead. By the time I came out of my environmental euphoria, there was a bottle of wine down, half the patrons paid out, and the acoustic stylings of overdone covers muted.

"Do you want to go on an adventure tonight?"

The Zen was speaking, and I was its mouthpiece. Eyebrows raised, he stammered to get out an answer. I suggested there's a place we can sing karaoke, and we can get free shots each time we sing.

Like a politician answering the hard-hitting questions, he said it's a go. We still had time before the club opened its doors, so we walked up to the bar for a beer.

Damn. Here we go again. I reached into the crevices of my college-aged mind: is it liquor before beer you're in the clear? I've mixed before...and I walked here. I'm perfectly fine. The Zen said so.

I ordered first while he browsed the beer menu. When he asked what I ordered, he said he was getting the same thing. It's like that moment when you find out you have something it common. It's that warm coating that surrounds your childlike heart before it rushes to your face, forcing an uncontrollable smile. That is how everything has felt with him. It was easy for me to be, well, me: fire-spinning, sailor-mouth, smartass-yet-demure me.

There's a catch here too, by the way.

My friends are obviously my army. When I have a date with a new, I tell them where I am. Florida prides itself on hurricane preparedness. This is no different. I told my friends that I was bringing him to karaoke, and thought he'd like them and would fit into our circle.

Recall that warm coating around the heart? The same feeling applies to knowing, really knowing, that I could bring him around my friends, and it wouldn't be weird. It wouldn't be him checking his phone while our crew gets into inside jokes. It wouldn't be constant apologies for their behavior. Jax Single Girl has discovered another need: If you wanna be lover, you gotta get with my friends. 

We made our way outside and he offered to drive. That and I would be a good co-pilot since he had never been to this place before. As I started to give him directions at the red light, he reached for my hand. TA just goes for it. And he gazed at me, starry-eyed and happy to go on an adventure.

This club is where the theater kids go to let loose and sing their happy hearts out. It's also where the BDSM set go for a good gothic time, and where my fire troupe often performs. I greeted the bartender by first name, which surprised TA. Yes, cupcake...I apparently know all the bartenders in town. So we ordered our first round, and I started to flip through the song lists.

"By the way, you have to sing since I brought you here."

This time the beer decided to be my ventriloquist. He started to laugh and agreed. I chose a song and walked it up to the DJ, leaving TA unattended. It bothered him that I wouldn't tell him what song I chose, in a fun way of course. And he remembered that I usually sing No Doubt. He rattled off a few songs, but he couldn't get what I chose right. It seemed to fit my mood, so I chose Bathwater.

A couple of songs before I got onto the stage, my comedian friend entered the bar. Their conversations flowed naturally, which made me very happy. Everything was just perfect. TA left for a moment, and my friend looked over his shoulder to make sure he wasn't within earshot.

"He's dreamy!"

Thanks, pal. I think so. I should also point out this is Glitterbeard's brother. He's also one of two of my amazing army that showed up. My blue-haired siren joined us later, enjoying the show with us.

So I sang to my heart's content, and he loved what he heard from me. His set followed mine, and apparently we were going the distance. I wasn't sure if I could handle anymore innuendo that night, which is saying a lot considering the company I keep. My bartender had already poured his free shot, and I was courteous to wait till he was done with his set before I took my own. With a sigh of relief that he was done singing, I congratulated him on his performance (...speaking of innuendo), and he cheered to a night of adventurous fun. There's that warm coating on my heart again...

But we were stuck together by hands touching, my knees against his, and his other arm around my shoulder, letting it graze my back from time to time.

The night was approaching early morning, so we decided to pay up and leave after my second song. TA said he didn't remember starting a tab. My independent streak was showing, and I told him I left my card at the bar. The next thing I know, TA is walking up there, handing me back my card, and paying for our tab. This guy...I must remember to thank him again.

We made our way back to my place, and he parked in my driveway. I thanked him for another awesome night. With willing eyes and smiles on our faces, we met with a kiss. Wow, he's a good kisser. We're still kissing...did the seat just lean back?

Needless to say, he was allowed inside my house that night. A lady should never say too much, but I will say that he was an attentive lover. It was intense. Clearly, we were both thinking about this since we first met. I guess that's part of the explanation for chemistry, and the way it works with two people.

After all was said and done, he told me he couldn't believe he met me. We kissed good night and I sent him home.

I can't believe I almost didn't give you a chance. I internally apologized for ever referring to him as Beer Man.

I had to hide my grin the next day. It was permanently tattooed on my face. One lost wallet, another (pious) visit to my home, and another kiss later, he is coming to my next fire show.

I like this adventure. I like it a lot. Yes, it's obvious I engage in risky behavior, but matters of the heart are risky too.

Letting the warmth fill the holes in my heart, and harden it sounds like a greater risk than bringing a guy on the second date home. Like every adventure I've had, it was totally worth it.

More than just a conquest, he is definitely worth it. 

I'm Only Going to Say this Once

Mindy Kaling totally has it right. Older men are where it's at.

Seriously. They know how to take care of a woman in every way that a woman knows how to be taken care of.

This is where I'm going to let your imagination take charge.

Still, I must say that CSB isn't without his flaws. But then again, who isn't? He goes out often (days that end in Y) and he smokes. But once again, I only have a handful of need that need to be met: treat me well, make me laugh, have your act together. So far, he is meeting all three of my needs. So why fight it?

I would be lying if I said I didn't struggle with myself a bit. Was this too fast too soon? I had to (and continue to) remind myself that I typically don't do the straight and narrow very well. Of course it shouldn't be an excuse for absolute excess and debauchery. I am sincerely having to force myself to enjoy this and go with the flow. I try not to focus on the what ifs: what if he's stringing me along? What if this is just something to pass the time for him?

But all signs are pointing the other way. My past experiences with The Chase have often led me to the same conclusion: there are always risks involved, and with each adventure, every dating experience becomes a little bit better. Like everyone else trying to enjoy some time with potential someone special, I worry that it may not work out. Because it's going so damn well. And if I haven't made it clear enough, I really want this to work out. It would be foolish if I didn't at least admit that I'm not sure if I'm going about it the right way. A lot of my actions with CSB are quite unorthodox. I believe if I took the more conservative approach, we wouldn't be at this point. Either method I would take, I know that I want to keep CSB in my life.

But more than that, I want to believe that he wants me in his life as well.

But I'm observing behaviors from CSB that I can't help but relish. Last night he was telling me he offered to fix the coffee shop owner's bike. Why? Because CSB wants him to experience the thrill of a simple ride again. Wow. I thought that was extremely admirable. That nugget made him much sexier than I could have anticipated. He even texted me a picture of the owner on his bike, content with the selfless gesture from CSB. On top of this,he is also incredibly intent and focused on school, no matter the surroundings.


But when he moves his focus on me? It's quite difficult to put into words. In keeping with the theme of our adventure, the best way I can describe it is magic. He moves me in ways that I didn't imagine possible. And I've only known this man for a week! ONE WEEK! Last night, we spent the good part of two hours in his house YouTubing music we love. And he gazed at me across his bed as I sang Regina Spektor and introduced him to She & Him. I'm so impressed with you, he whispered to me. He warmed my stomach with his hands all night. He played with my hair. He nibbled on my legs. If this talk isn't making you want to make babies, I don't know what will.

Slowly we began to intertwine. He whispered directions in my ear. Said my name. Pulled my hips and leaned in with each kiss. He even asked me if I was okay and if there was anything else he could do to make me feel better. I assure you I was feeling quite fantastic. We were up all night, doing this dance. After a warm embrace, he moved my body and tucked me in. Where did I find this man?

I have to wonder: if I notice all these amazing things about him, what can I offer? Do I have what it takes to give him what he wants or needs? Because I know I have a lot to give. Does he want what I have, more than just a strong physical connection? I hear the echos of my friends ringing in my ear: Just enjoy it. I definitely am! But it's difficult and foolish to admit that I want something more from this. Of course I would. Everyone loves getting extra dessert! I look forward to more midnight adventures with CSB. I must admit: I love that this chase is working both ways.

When a ship sets sail...

So I've been noticeably absent. Don't get me wrong. I never said I wasn't single anymore. I just happened to be distracted by OGM. And then...reality hit. 

So, a couple weeks ago he texted me that he had something to tell me. I said, ok, so just tell me. Apparently then was not the time. Okay, ladies and gentleman. I have an annoucement: Now is either a bad time or it's the only time. Choose wisely! I digress...flash forward to a few days ago.

"I move this Saturday"

So...September isn't it then, I thought? He followed this heavy-sighed statement with "we shouldn't continue." Which, again, is fine. I think I've been prepared for this. In fact we had quite the routine:

- Sundays were days catching up on a certain favorite TV show
- Tuesdays were more of the same. He'd make us dinner
- Thursdays were spent drinking and laughing
- Friday we may go out somewhere

This, coupled with work, is why I have been quiet on the Single Girl front. I think, I believe, we had to savor the moment. Live the present. Be together because we knew this couldn't happen after he left. In his own words, "he needed something good in his life." And believe me, I'm honored by this. It's really sweet.

When he would hold me late at night, brushing the hair away from my face, sighing deep into my neck, I could tell that he didn't want to be alone on this ship. A lonely captain, weakly grabbing control, and venturing out into new territory, unsure of what he'll find. I will be there in some shape or fashion with him. I am there with him. But that's because he chooses to.

Believe it or not, I'm not heartbroken. I prepared for this. It stings a little bit, but I have made great strides to emotionally detach myself from falling *gasp* in love. And yet this boy confuses the life out of me.

Who follows "we can't continue" with "I want to see you again" or "do you really have to leave" or "what about seeing you Saturday or Sunday." Don't get me wrong. This isn't just about sex. Yes, sex is a part of it. In fact, this is the closest I've ever felt to knowing what it feels like to make love. However, I have continuously come to the same conclusion ever since he (we?) decided to stop after he moves.

I will feel this way with someone else

And that has what has kept me sane the last month. It's not a mantra. It's a fact. I know I will feel this way with another person. It's like my best friend reminded me: maybe this is some higher deity's way of saying "you can feel a mutual emotional connection with a good man." And this is my conscience following that up with "and you will feel it again." 

I adore OGM. He is truly a good man, a good person, and he treated me well and made me happy. But I can and will move on. This is his ship. He has chosen to go into the great wide open without me at his side. And I can't blame him. No one ever wants to feel held back, nor does a really good person ever want to hold someone back from fulfilling, what they believe, some destiny they need to seize.

The more I continue with my single girl adventures, the more I understand my own destiny. I know what it is I want in a relationship and from a man that I potentially want as my partner. However, I do know that I may not need it right now. And that's okay too.

In the interim, I will lift my own sails and venture into my own unknown. Besides, this wouldn't be the first time me and OGM have parted ways. And it's not the first time we have reunited. In life, there are many possibilities. In love, when you experience these possibilities, it's amazing what you learn about your own heart...and his.

Besides...I may have another date soon. This guy? Apparently attended the Naval Academy and asked me out for a discussion about zombie outbreak defense over milkshakes. Did I ever tell you I don't have a type?

Anchors Aweigh!

Au revoir, mi amor

Have Mercy!

Isn't this typically the emotion one feels when they're in the grasp of being extremely twitterpated? I mean...look at this. Any child of the 90's remembers the fabulously coiffed Uncle Jesse from Full House. Have mercy, he would beg. And can you blame him? Becky was a hot beast by 90's standards. I have discovered the stage in dating where one is teetering on the line between really falling for someone through the hot and heavy, and saying the Lord's Prayer: Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. Well, not all evil. I can't be good all the time...

I can't emphasize it enough: there is no pressure to give in on either end with me and One Good Man. However I truly believe that resistance is futile. This is where we fail at dating: we fail to realize a good thing and to go for it. The main problem is that the word "good" is relative. Sure, what if the making out is good...but does that mean he's a keeper? At best, he is a keeper for now if that's all he has going for him. Women aren't used to be treated with respect. I'm going to give you a piece of advice. Ladies: date someone who has a younger sister. You can tell a lot about a man by how he treats his mother. However, see how he talks about and treats his younger sister. It'll give you a glimpse into what to expect.

Anyway, sometimes mercy needs to come naturally. Dating is quite unatural to begin with, so we have to take little steps to make it easier on ourselves.

Let me tell you a story: I tend to be fairly brash. Not confrontational. Trust me there is a difference. I ended up calling out this guy who would turn out to be my boyfriend. He kept beating around the bush and simply wouldn't admit that he liked me. So after encouraging him to drink his courage elixir at the bar, I demanded that he tell me what was on his mind. "You have something to tell me," I said. With major hesitation he confessed he had feelings for me. Don't worry, I returned the favor and told him I liked him too. I'm not that mean! He didn't like being forced into this confession. Here's how the rest of the conversation went:

Me: I'm helping! It's not good to hold in your feelings! I'm your angel of mercy!
Him: THEN PUT ME DOWN!

I guess I could've been so kind as to let him down gently. The moral of this story is that you have to be willing to give into your feelings, and you can't force someone to give into theirs. Trust me, I obviously tried and I think that set the tone for the rest of our relationship. You simply can't force anything that isn't there and isn't going to work. I also think I scared him...I will try not to do that anymore. No promises.

So where do I stand now? Well, temptation is fun to give into but only if both parties are on the same page. It's so much more fun that way! This is where I get that feeling of no pressure. If he's right there and I'm right there, it's only fireworks from here...at least for the moment. In dating, all you can really do is seize the moment anyway.

And this is more than a sexual assumption. It keeps going back to trusting your gut. During this process I've learned to listen to it, converse with it, reach a mutual understanding with it. Although me and my instincts are getting along, it's still a very complicated relationship. I'm definitely out of my comfort zone and yet there is a small amount of comfort knowing that I don't feel forced, nor am I forcing anything else. Women, we have intuition for a reason. It's not only for protection. We also have to use it to nurture. Men seem to dig that kind of thing.

In the meantime, this song sums it up perfectly.
I'm begging

"Would you look at that body language?"

"Legs crossed towards each other. That is an unequivocal sex invite!"

I gotta admit: Cher from Clueless wasn't speaking any untruths.

Sidenote: Kids who were born when this movie came out can legally drive a car this year. YOU'RE WELCOME FOR THAT. Moving on.

Some of you are asking hey Jax Single Girl! When did sex even come into the picture? Look, I'm not one to shake my girly bits at every boy who winks at me, but I think we really need to explore body language because it screams much louder than the creeper next to you wanting your number at a dirty bar.

The other night when I hung out with A Few Good Men, I couldn't help but notice the chivalry from one man in particular. Here's where I start analyzing this and other situations.

Let's list them, shall we?
He had his hand on my chair across my back the whole time.
He often reached out and hugged me.
He rested his head on my shoulders a few times.
He had his hand around my waist towards the end of the night.

Look, either I'm a healthy candidate for a new bromance, or there is really some sort of physical chemistry happening that would give Vivian Leigh some very serious, Southern vapors.

Ok, kids. I need some help here. WHAT'S HAPPENING?! By the way, I'm really great at denial. It makes my everyday very interesting.

I talked with a close friend and she said this and similar situations are just a serious eye-opener. I simply haven't been treated like I existed. My exes couldn't follow the golden rule: do onto others as others do onto you. The eternal optimist in me is hardwired to believe that I can turn any terrible situation into a good thing. Luckily for me, most of the time I can. This time around, I'm making sure that someone does the same for me when I'm feeling blue.

And my friend said something else that struck me. "Once you know, you can't not know." After all is said and done, I am willing to admit my shortcomings, forgive others for theirs, but all the while, not settle for less than something I deserve...especially after seeing where it got me twice.

The truth is we are animals. There are rituals we do to attract members of the opposite sex (or same sex. I love my gays). And when you feel it, you can't not feel it. What makes us individuals is how we determine what piece of yourself, physical or not, you're willing to share. What's my strategy? I'm a cuddle whore. I'll do it for free. If you give me money, then I win twice!

For the sake of fun, and for the livelihood of this blog, I will date a few mistakes. That is, if your creepy uncle will stop sending me emails. Seriously Match.com! I prefer that you match better!

We have to remind ourselves that there is never safety in adventure. And if you're not living on the edge? Well, you are just taking up too much space!