JSG's First World Dating Problems

Things have been fairly strange in boyland. I've pretty much given up on The Trainer. The Dragon is having a rough time with everything lately, and has been looking to me for support. I went on an awesome date with Philly, who looks like he's ready to find a committed relationship after a few dates with the right girl.

All that makes for a very confused JSG. I carry myself to be this warrior who protects herself and uses men as distractions. There, I said it. I don't treat men like my little toys, but like a college kid with an empty fridge, I satisfy myself with what I have at the moment. Unfortunately, what I have a the moment is, as Brother Bear loves to call it, a stable full of he-hoes.

Well...that's certainly one way to phrase it.

I'll start with a conversation that I had with one of my dear friends. I usually get my "guy-pinions" from him. We all have that friend (or if you're lucky, many friends) of the opposite sex who we can ask for sage advice about dating. I'll call him The Toymaker. We routinely message and commiserate over what's going on in our love lives. It gets strange sometimes because he has legitimate dating gripes while I have what some may consider first world dating problems. For example, he may simply have a problem getting a girl's number.

First World Dating Problem #1: I have too many names and numbers to remember, and communication gets awkward because I don't remember which conversation I had with which guy.

Is that what a stable full of he-hoes means?

Anyhow I was telling him about my concerns with Dragon and his confusion on what the word commitment means. Merriam-Webster defines one part of commitment to be "the state or an instance of being obligated or emotionally impelled". Funny, because that's the third definition. The first is a consignment to a penal or mental institution. Maybe that's why Dragon says he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship. But I asked The Toymaker about this foolishness. Naturally, he apologized on behalf of men everywhere: the showing and the telling of what Dragon wants is incredibly stupid. However, he says that perhaps Dragon says that because he just doesn't know how to say that he wants that. And The Toymaker reassured me that it's okay to wait until I'm comfortable to have the "who/what are we" conversation when I'm comfortable. Work is going to take away any social life I'll have in the next couple of weeks. He'll be busy leading up to his vacation at the end of the month. What's the crap about love is patient? There I go again with that love business...

(Because when you're behind you're lady, you should know her intentions)

Boom. It hit me: maybe he's protecting himself too. If you don't define it, and you don't scrutinize why you're with someone, you won't get hurt. In fact, maybe no one will get hurt. Once you put a label on it, there is a pressure to live up to what a committed relationship is. A friend (and reader) told me that the key to intimacy is shared vulnerability. Well...I guess we're two peas in a weak pod.

Between work, teaching, and school, he has been grasping to find a balance in his life. Understandably, he's burnt out. And he's doing something that rarely happens these days: he calls me. He had a particularly rough day at work, and I texted the usual sadface emoticon, and said I'm sorry. Then I added the standard empty statement that I'm here if he wants to talk. Be honest: you've said that once or twice before without expecting to do much, but wanting to be a good person and look like you're helping. So he called me. And he called me the night before.

So let me get this straight: Dragon is able to understand that when I say it's okay for him to reach out and talk to me, he does. But if he doesn't want a committed relationship, I follow through, bu he does the total opposite.

What?

After venting for five or ten minutes, I kept reminding him that it's important to take a moment to decompress and just have a moment of "me" time.

"I definitely will. But I am really missing 'you and me' time. That's important to me too"

Phones don't have cords anymore, right? Regardless it felt like it there was one choking me since I couldn't get any words out after he said that.

Any rational typical girl would be flattered to hear those words; to know that someone out there is looking to you and reaching out. What that says is "you are somebody in whom I can seek comfort when I need it the most." I like him. I really do. But I'm ready to smack him with a Funk & Wagnalls.

As a master of creating distractions, I met up with Philly for a taco date. First World Dating Problem #2: Too many of my dates go too well. I assure you I'm not easy. I just have mostly great dates. We had very few lulls in conversation, the chemistry was there, and it was simply fun. Throughout the night, we were joking about our experiences on the dating website. Then it started to become an experiment for me. I let the cat out of the bag and asked how long he had been on the site. He told me a few years, and met his last long relationship on the site. I told him it had only been a few months for me. And boy what a few months, am I right?!

The more we talked about dating, the more I thought I was going to be found out: he, not I, brought up dating blogs, research, and the like, and how he found it interesting that people would examine dating so much. I hope my face didn't shift much when he mentioned "blog"...

He also told me his bad experiences: no attraction (a big thing for him apparently) in personality and looks, girls who lied about their pictures (I know that all too well), and finding girls who weren't 100% single.

Wait. Do I fit into that category?

I told him the same half-truth I told The Teacher: I'm on the site to meet new people because it's hard to date as a busy person. I slipped in that I have been on a few dates since being on the site. I was hoping he'd leave it at that so I can avoid feeling guilty sneaking texting plans with Dragon and breaking plans with The Trainer when Philly would get our drinks or use the restroom. The stable overfloweth.

Regardless, I decided that he was worth a second date. Maybe then I'll have my answer on what to do. Hell, maybe not. The only thing that makes sense is to tell Philly in person on our date that I am going on dates with other people too in an effort to figure out what it is I want.

Honestly, it is just becoming too much. I am clearly a glutton for punishment. I can't wait around for Dragon to figure out his part of whatever it is we're doing. But I can't deny myself figuring out who is the right kind of man for me. That being said, I also can't be unfair to Philly. He wants to date a girl who's not committed. Sorry cupcake, I don't exactly know if that's the case right now. Just for fun let's do a side-by-side (theoretically speaking) comparison of the two:

Dragon: Full-time cop, part-time teacher, student. Plans on going to law school. Not a flight risk, so he stays local. Bucket list includes lots of traveling. Not closer with family. Doesn't want a committed relationship. Chaotic schedule. Seeks intimacy and attachment when he can, how he can.

Philly: Full-time tech at a retailer, has side business, entrepreneurial spirit. Doesn't totally know about future plans. Potential flight risk. Close to family. Will go on a few dates hoping it will lead to committed relationship. Also enjoys traveling.

JSG is in a bind. Both are equally attractive in both personality and looks. And I know Brother Bear told me that nobody gets dating right (duh) and that it's okay to be attracted to more than one person. However, I wonder if I'm the only one in this situation where I can walk into my stable, ready to brand the hide that's mine. It seems like most people are usually in the pig pen, running ungracefully through mud, trying to catch the slippery pig they want to turn into bacon. First World Farming Problems?

These are the places I've come to fear the most. I've built walls around my heart, and protected myself since my last relationship (or three). And little by little it's crumbling down. But behind my thick, steel bubble, I am incredibly fragile. I crave intimacy from one person. One special person. It's just taking a lot of trial and error. As a goal-oriented fool, I'm doing what I can to make this happen. I've been mostly patient, but I also know that sitting in my castle, looking out the window for a suitor isn't going to do me very well.

And I hope these men understand that too. I may be foolish to assume that Dragon and Philly aren't dating other girls. Because that's what I'm doing. Why wouldn't they? But what it really comes down to is that going from a serial monogamist to a repeated first-dater is a large adjustment. And I'm continuing to learn about myself (mostly my failures as a partner). As I'm finally letting Dragon see the softer side of me, Philly is stepping in to also find a place in my heart.

All I really wanted was tacos...this weekend I got a wounded Dragon, a worthy jouster, and a puzzled heart.

Dating: Shopping Without Buyer's Remorse

I haven't been posting as much because all has been quiet in the dating world. That doesn't mean I don't have anything to say about it though!

Let's start with Dragon. He's been continuing the usual good morning/good evening texts like a doting partner but while he's trying to make up his mind about me, I've been exploring other options. That and his schedule is exploding as mine is about to in the next few weeks. I rather enjoy this break from him. That's right cupcake: you can miss me.


Sure we have randy fun, but I'm still shopping, as my friend would say. I'm looking to sample the selection, and make an educated buying decision as opposed to dealing with buyer's remorse after some heavy retail therapy. Another friend told me awhile ago that the difference between men and women when they shop is that women are tangible shoppers: we like to touch items to figure out of it's something we want. Men on the other hand go into a store with an idea of what they need, look at it, and then buy.



(Dating remorse is greater than or equal to buyer's remorse)

What does that say about the fairer sex? In my experience, men and women date at the same rate. However, men are more upfront about what they want and what they expect. What they show for it after a shopping trip is a whole other story! Women will try one six pairs of knee-high, leather sole, black boots with a 2-inch heel before finding the right pair. Even then, there's no guarantee they'll ever make it out of the box. The same can be said for my dating adventures. I live in boots. But I'll never be satisfied, and there is always a better pair that comes along.

Ah, but what about The Trainer?

Well, we're still sass texting, as he likes to call it. He had a meeting today to figure out his next move. I guess it wasn't worth telling me how it went. Regardless, I'm enjoying some time with him on a much more innocent level. The other night we watched a movie at his place, and hung out with his dog. Let me paint the picture: it was the quintessential bachelor pad. Unfurnished. Stains all over the carpet. Stuff everywhere. Messy? Slightly. Cluttered? Definitely. Livable? If you're a sports trainer. He had supplements everywhere, a massage therapy table, and other strange-looking medical tools. Not surgical, but...machinery I suppose. He had a roommate which was no big deal. But we were going to watch a movie.

In his room. On his bed. Naturally, I was concerned about where this would go. Being the dog-lover I am though, I paid more attention to him than The Trainer. That in turn created a dog barrier between us on the bed. His dog loved my cuddles. Before we watched the movie we just talked a lot. And that was nice. I won't know the outcome until he tells me, but The Trainer has been kind and fun. Honestly I am 100% okay if he leaves and what I got out of this was a friend who I enjoyed a few dates with. If he stays? Well...what if he wants to commit but I'm not there quite yet?

(Red lipstick can make any girl feel glamorous)

That's what I'm worried about. I feel like I've gotten into this groove of dating. This isn't going to the grocery store begrudgingly after work because I need paper towels. No, this is going to the department store and trying to find the perfect red lipstick: the kind that glides on your lips with ease, never sticking to your hair, or chapping your lips. It's trying to find the one where you twist the case, the top snaps perfectly. The kind that makes you feel rich. That's what dating is like for me now.

After many talks with Brother Bear, he has convinced me to relieve myself of guilt. These men are on a need-to-know basis. All they need to know is that I'm happy being with them in that one moment. If they want more of those, they have to show they deserve them from me. I'm not going to be the girl looking at her phone wondering why he hasn't texted; I'm going to be the girl talking to someone else because he made the time for me.

I had this thought tonight. I went to one of my favorite restaurants and sat at the outdoor bar, sipping on a tequila sour and slowly savoring a huge slice of French silk pie. I was wearing my uniform of dress and boots sitting by myself. I was mostly on my phone because I didn't want to really interact with anyone. This was my time to be happy and alone. Happy and alone. These adventures fulfill and enrich me, but my time alone to go with these (mis)adventures has taught me that taking risks and forcing myself into new experiences helps me understand my needs. Dating others makes me consider what it takes to date myself.

Marilyn Monroe is known for being the envy of women and the desire of men. Norma Jean created a character that was to be desired. Many men fawned over Marilyn, but beneath the dresses and that sultry smile, she was still Norma Jean. As one of the most sought-after women in the world, anonomity was nearly impossible. Photographer Ed Feingersh printed a series of photos called 4 Days in New York. Sure enough, as she was hanging on a train strap on a subway, no one paid her any mind. With an innocent smile, she asked Ed if he wanted to see "her." With a rustle of her platinum blonde hair and a minimal back arch, eyes moved like magnets to see Marilyn in the subway car. Droves of men flocked to the woman they just passed by.

("Do you want to see her?" Source: Brock Street Gallery & Ed Feingersh)

The point of that story is this: I feel like Marilyn in that situation. Normally I don't pay much attention to how I interact with my surroundings when I eat alone. But lately I've felt poised and sure of myself, but in a very subtle way. Men at the bar were kind and asked me about my dessert. Servers came from inside to ask me if I was doing well. I know it's their job, and maybe it's the nature of that one restaurant but it made me feel good. And it's just not there, it's anywhere I go lately. While I have walls that need to be jackhammered with a quickness, I am enjoying being approachable.

It's not the dresses that hang right on my curves or the right pair of tall black boots that fit perfectly over my muscular calves. It's the way I carry them. The way I carry my men reflects on how successful these adventures will be.

And I have a secret. I'll call him Philly. It looks like I'll be having a taco date soon. While a great way to get my attention is with a 75% sale, tacos are the next best thing.

My Castle, My Rules...Right?

I apologize for my lack of posting. I've been incredibly busy with work, but have decided to take a break from fire hobby so I can focus on other projects. Yes, dating is one of those projects.

After my horrible incident with The Teacher, I thought it would be best to keep my options limited. I'm in between talking to The Trainer, and enjoying some rambunctious fun with Dragon. I still go on to the dating website and respond to messages when I can, but I haven't been as eager to do so. It's a strange game: if a man is too interested, I scale back, especially if he's seeking commitment right away. But if he doesn't make a move soon enough, I move on to the next one. While I don't have time to play any more games than I have already tackled, I surely have time to decide who I'd like to stick around...at least for a little bit.

But The Dragon. Mr. Doesn't Want Commitment. Mr. Texts Me First Everyday. Mr. I'd Like To Hope You Keep Me Around Awhile.

What?

For now, I'm calling it summer love (again, using that term incredibly loosely). I can't convince myself to fall and open the cage to my heart completely without truly understanding his intentions. While I own my castle, he set the rules for us when we started. He is in control of the game, and I'm following his rules. But when he breaks them, I don't feel confident that I should break them too.

Oh, and The Trainer? When Dragon is away, JSG will play. Our texting has gotten a bit heavier. More flirtatious. I guess it's okay to show him a little fun before he may likely have to move right?

Then a funny thing happened. I was at a party with some friends, but kept texting him. The banter between us is electric. Trainer stimulates my mind while Dragon finds other bone-shaking ways to stimulate me. Well, I apologized the next day and blamed my sassy mouth on too many drinks. 

I never did that with Dragon. Am I apologizing because it feels like cheating? That has to be it. Perhaps another part of it is that it isn't fair to The Trainer because leading him on. At least The Trainer was amused by it all. I kept being a tease, and he kept challenging me. I like this game. I just don't like the arena in which we are playing.

Then the guilt...oh the guilt. I was happy that Brother Bear decided to join me for dinner and a couple of drinks the other night, because what I really needed to do was verbally spout emotional diarrhea to someone who would give me real answers and not judge me. He was explaining more of his bad country song life, and I kept getting distracted by my own neuroses. Luckily, he is an incredibly patient friend.

I explained my guilt to him: how can I be with someone who doesn't want to be emotionally invested, but clearly his actions are showing otherwise? And is it okay for me to continue to pursue someone who connects with me emotionally at the same time, especially when he may not stay here for long?

Brother Bear said something that made it slightly better: whoever said you should be emotionally connected to one person at a time doesn't get it. It's okay to have feelings for more than one person.

He put on his feminist cap on and stood on his estrogen soapbox: women have enough pressure to be something for someone, so why make it so they only have to do it for one person at a time?

The female bartender's eyes widened when she heard this, and was grateful that it was said.

I went on to explain that I do have these feelings for Dragon, but I keep them locked up because I don't want to give all of myself to someone who says he doesn't want a commitment right now. Brother Bear pursed his eyebrows at me and said that he's just waiting for me to make that next call. A lazy move, he said, and I have to decide if it's worth it to keep him around.

Listen, Dragon. It's my castle. I like hanging out with you, and I appreciate you protecting the moat, but you have to let other people pass eventually.

As he put down his sandwich for a brief moment, Brother Bear sighed and looked me straight in the eye:

"Is there anything stopping you from walking away"

I was afraid he was going to ask that...

The immediate answer was no. Nothing is stopping me from going, "it's been fun, but go protect another castle." But I had to reassess why I wanted (want) to keep him around.

He's Dragon. He makes me feel safe. I trusted him with a part of me the other night that I wouldn't have shared with any other man, past or present. I'm bound to him because I keep wanting to see where this will go. His ambition is admirable. He has his life together. All he wants is some fun. And really, that's what I want too.

What it comes down to is that I really don't have to make a decision. Brother Bear told me I had options: have the "what are we" conversation and base what I'll do from there, continue to have salacious fun with him and go with the flow, or drop him like a bad habit and move on. Regardless, he said, there is no need for me to feel like I'm doing anything wrong.

And so we're back to where we started. The easiest way for me to handle this is to go with the flow. Dragon said it himself: he's in no rush (right...) and would like to let things unfold naturally. So far, they have. I'm in no rush myself to put a label on a can. The vapid thing is that it would be easier to call him my boyfriend as opposed to "this guy I met online and we have a connection but aren't going to call it a thing quite yet."

I am happy with just letting things ride for now. The only thing that makes this more difficult than usual is that I have someone else who's willing to ride with me too. So while Dragon is chilling in front of my castle, lazily keeping watch while I'm inside, men in tinfoil armor saunter up expecting to walk in.

But will Dragon really step aside...or fight to protect my castle? I clearly chose an ill-trained Dragon.

I'm not ready to fire him yet...for once, I need a man to be convenient for me, not the other way around. You guessed it. Dragon is convenient. Until he mans up and says wants more, this is all he's getting. I'm having fun playing house in my castle.

(Ok Dragon...be a good boy and JSG will think about keeping you longer)

 

A Slow Burn

Ok, there I go throwing out words I don't mean again..."love." The least I can say is that things with TD have been well. The more we spend time together, the more I can see myself with him. Maybe not necessarily long term, but definitely longer than him being Mr. Right Now.

I deactivated one of my online dating accounts since I had better luck on the site where I found TD's profile. Truth be told, I haven't been on either one as much. Searching for men online became exhausting. And while I do enjoy all the attention, I've already singled out a few who I wanted to talk to already.

All the while, I am learning more about The Dragon. He's honest and upfront. That's pleasantly refreshing, and sometimes scary. He used to live in my neighborhood and told me horror stories about his time living there (which is why he insisted I texted him when I walked home alone). The few times we've walked my dog together, he is often armed and right by my side. I joked with him that it was a bit much, but I really can't argue with a cop. He also told me he doesn't want kids and was upfront that kids were out of the question with his future love of his life. That one shocked me. While my biological clock isn't ticking loudly, I'm in no rush for marriage, let alone kids.

I asked my best friend what her thoughts were about this. She basically said that one day my clock will likely tick, and if I'm still with him, to ask myself would if it be a deal breaker. However, she did like that he was upfront about it but for her, personally, it would make her not want to pursue any sort of relationship with him further. As for me, I am not one of those girls who insists on changing his mind or opinion on this. I'm taking an open-minded approach, but I know that it stings a bit. However, he is open to adoption, just not passing on his bloodline. Apparently there's bad blood there, but hey, who am I to judge?

It's these things that make me examine myself more so than it is to study him. He's incredibly open. On this dating site where we met, the main page has a question that asks "What is the most private thing you are willing to reveal about yourself." More often than not, the answer is the same: ask me anything. I'm an open book.

Here's how men I've encountered approach that statement:
Ask me what I want to do in bed with you because I'm 100% DTF
Don't ask me questions because I'll totally talk about myself the entire time
Let me tell you my entire life story so much so that it scares you away and kills the chase

But when he talks, he speaks from a genuine place and leaves the floor open for me, as it should be. However, many times I wince and cower, mostly because I'm so taken aback by it. It's truly attractive, and I can definitely appreciate it. I'm making steps to be more open myself, though I feel like a dog backed into a corner.

Many moons ago, my ex was one who wanted me to say everything on my mind and in my heart. It was like trying to force feed a stubborn baby. I would get so frustrated, depressed, and weary because the second part of his request involved criticism, rolled eyes, angry interruption. Naturally, this made me gun shy in every sing relationship since.

So I picked up some dangerous fiery toys, jump out of a plane, and learn to shoot a gun as a way to release any sort of confrontation and talking about feelings that is required of me. Without these props, I'm left vulnerable and open. I hate that. Spending time with TD is like that scene in Big Fish. Edward senses that time stops when he sees Sandra, and peels away everything in the chaos so he can appreciate what he finds beautiful about her. TD doesn't realize that he's slowly helping me understand that it's okay to reveal who I am and what I have to say. Instead of creating a scene where I'm in charge of the direction, I can let him put down my props...and he can get a real response from me.

I've also found myself shying away from my usual song and dance. Though I adore my friends, I have spent more time by myself and with new people, dates and otherwise. And yes, I've already been called out on it. Lions hate when you dangle fresh meat in their faces without dropping it.  I recently had a conversation with one of them, explaining that there was a little guilt because I haven't made an effort to get the gang together, and that I haven't mentioned TD as much as other men I've dated, let alone invite him to join our group when we go out.

"Because you like him. And you want to spend time with him, one person with another, enjoying each other's company with minimal interference. And that's okay."

At first I thought it was because part of me felt embarrassed by his constant sinus issues, or the fact that my friends can participate in some unsavory activity and bringing a cop means bringing the wettest blanket in the stack. But my friend was right: I like enjoying this time with him. It doesn't have to be constant dinner dates, drinks at a bar, or crazy misadventures all the time. What makes me happy and content is this slow burn and desire to be with each other and to embrace this person we spend time with. TD said it himself: he was tired of going on dates with younger girls with no direction. Well...you know my requirements.

This past week, I've had an awkward screaming conversation with him at a bar, ice skated and made fun of him for driving his patrol car to the rink, watched my favorite show twice with him, and lay in his arms late a few nights. These are things that I haven't made much mention to friends. Instead, these are moments that I care to share only with him. Yes, I am writing down these words for all to see, but it's deeper than that. His openness, drive to spend time together despite his abnormal schedule, his ambition, his warmth have made me feel singled out in a crazy, convoluted world of dating.

This is one case where I can truly believe that it's okay for him to gently put my guard down, especially because I have such a difficult time doing it on my own. And I don't share that with just anyone. The fact that he has cracked the barrier speaks volumes. He doesn't realize that yet.

But I'd like to stay with him long enough so I can show him how much that means to me.

Fire & Ice

The day after the seemingly disastrous meeting with The Dragon, I was still pretty optimistic.

Because of unpredictable weather, we decided to forgo a Harley ride and opted to go ice skating instead (his idea). I jokingly said that he's not allowed to laugh if I bust my ass...and I will be nice when he busts his. He said he'd make no promises. Charming, I thought.

It was about to be disastrous again. Rain makes people suddenly forget how to function, especially when driving is involved. What would normally be a 15 minute drive became 45 minutes because of a major pileup on the highway. Maybe I could just turn around...


Alas, I ended up at the skating rink. To my surprise, TD had his own pair of skates. He apparently forgot to mention he's a former hockey player. Well...there goes me trying to look all cute and legit on an ice rink. As we were lacing up, we made small talk about family and friends, our jobs...the usual first date chatter. We also joked that this is what was supposed to happen the night before. This is much better, I said. I knew from the few words that we could hear and say at the club that he was worth getting to know.

I'm finding that he's a bit of a walking contradiction. There are some things that would normally make me wince, but others that make what I think is strange forgivable.

Let me tell you a tale about a cop who enjoys fruity drinks.
He played hockey, but has the worst luck with his health.
A cancer survivor who wanted to join the military but they can't accept him because somehow cancer is a liability.
That's how he ended up in law enforcement.
A bad case of appendicitis almost put him out of work entirely.
He knows how to fly a plane.
Because her family disowned her, he adopted his friend as his sister so she would know the love of family still existed.
While he sniffles from allergy issues, he owns a cat that looks like Hitler.
A Dexter fan who plans on going to law school, he takes vacations regularly and hopes to own many properties over his lifetime.
In the free time that he's not trying to win me over, he likes to tinker with elaborate security systems and create them.

Wait...what?

There were many moments in our conversation skating side by side on the ice that I wondered what the hell I was doing with my own life. The question of, "other than fire what do you do for fun" is always an awkward one. I always feel like I don't have time for other things, aside from the expected adult responsibilities.

It really was befuddlingly charming. After awhile on the ice he chuckled and said that it was highly amusing that he took the "badass fire girl" to the ice skating rink. It's true. I was out of my element. I felt somewhat forced to account for myself with some of his questions, like what else is there to my life. I didn't have implements to deploy and distract the dragon. Again, he kept trying to peel these layers to find out who I am at my core.

Then I thought of one of those two-hour conversations I had with Indy. He likes to read and understand people.

"Not everyone likes that. Some people like to have their secrets, and not be found out"

Well...damn. It's true. I keep thinking that I've made peace with my ghosts of dating past. There's still a brick wall in front of me when it comes to love, but I'm slowly finding the weaker spots to poke through, and remove that which protects me. It's not to say that I don't want to reveal every part of me to a lover, nor do I want to show the most perfect side of me all the time. It's just wondering how much of me should I reveal right now?

Let's face it: I showed the endearing, intelligent side to Indy and The Trainer, the wild child to The Adventurer, and with The Dragon...It's like unraveling ribbon in water. Slowly, hesitantly, but with the right force, willingly.

But stepping toe first on the ice seems like a good start. Later that day after a few errands, he asked if it would be okay if he watched a show we both like together. It happened to premiere that night. I was slightly taken aback (who invites themselves into my life?!), but I agreed. Before that, he suggested since I was on his side of town, to meet his cat and see his place.

Okay...he's a cop. He can't possibly try anything fresh. I mean, seriously, he drove his patrol car to the skating rink. It's not a front. But I think he was trying to reveal himself as this upstanding, adjusted adult who is worthy of my time. No secrets. Dude, I have stuffed animals everywhere, laundry in each room of my house, and my house smells like dog. I can't be this great girl he's been searching for.

He has a sweet cat, and his place is well-put together, security system and all. The lights were all motion-activated, so each room he gave me a tour of immediately lit up. You're damn right I called him out on how geeky it was...kindly, of course.

After the tour, he said he could just follow me to my place. He was walking towards his patrol car and jokingly told me not to speed. Telling me not to do something is the fastest way to ensure I do, I said. He gave me a smirk before getting in. On the drive to my place, I wondered if I would eventually get to see a wild side. Pilot, motorcyclist, cop? All the while he was mild, so I thought maybe it's okay for me to peel some of his layers too as much as he's tried to see all that's in me.

He really does have a strange schedule. I guess it's the life of a cop. After my immediate freak out at the Dexter season premiere, he asked if I wanted to have a late dinner. Why not, I said.

Same inner dialogue: I kept wanting to unravel his inner layers and much as he wanted to figure out what's beyond the "badass fire girl who walks home by herself."

We sat outside at a local restaurant, teeming with locals wanting to grab a beer on a late Sunday evening. There were talks about where we wanted to travel and about his goals. Whenever I talk to someone ambitious like that, I feel slightly inadequate. My goals don't extend beyond wanting to be the best version of myself so I can bring light into the world. He asked why I hadn't considered home ownership before and I told him I basically didn't want to get tied down. There is so much out there. Obviously that speaks for more than just home ownership. Obviously, commitment is risk, and if you know my track record, I'm really horrible at it.

The reasons I restarted this adventure is to discover what's out there; if there is someone wild enough to run with me. What's amazing is that I keep finding that there are men who can, and the ones who I think can run beside me in a blaze of glory actually get overshadowed or left behind. While The Dragon has revealed to be fairly mild, the dangerous side that I tend to relish in men takes a peek behind the curtain.

We've been on a couple of dates since, and I often the humbling question: am I forcing myself to like him? Think about it: look at your most recent significant other. There are bound to be things you cannot stand. I mean, where is the line between being nit-picky and accepting things as they are.

My burlesque mommy is screaming in my ear again: Don't settle

Regardless I like getting to know him. To study him, as Indy would say. I'm accepting that not every date or every guy I talk to is going to have that immediate rush within me where I just "know" this guy is it. TD and I warming up to each other. The Trainer and Indy took their sweet time. Things moved way too well and too fast with The Adventurer. But I can appreciate this pace with TD. Really...I think he is good for me. I tend to forget that part about dating.

After all was said and done, he walked me to my doorstep and gave me a gentle first kiss. Innocent even. Laying in bed thinking about all of the day's events I could sincerely say I was pleased. I never believed that true love or the like had to be immediate, though childhood fairytales would like to encourage us otherwise.

Some people say you can't rush destiny, and that these things should happen naturally. Others warn that hiding yourself from the possibilities is detrimental to one's self, and that it's in our nature to be curious and discover the possibilities.

But this is my adventure: a hardened heroine with the best of intentions seeks the prize of meaningful affection. During the course, hearts are slayed, and she suffers minor defeats. Once in a while, she finds a worthy suitor who she believes can help her find the prize.

That's a good fairytale. A great fairytale tells a story of how the suitor helps her win and fights the good fight with her...

And encourages to fight with what's in her. To defeat the monsters and fears within her.

Maybe The Dragon can be her guide.

Do you Wanna Dance?

So...The Dragon may not be the most appropriate name

(You're a lizard...)

Yeah...I immediately thought I broke my Good First Date streak. Don't get me wrong. He was incredibly nice. Is incredibly nice. But I didn't get the impression that he could really hang out and keep up. The most hilarious part? That is his whole bit on his profile: he apparently has a zest for life like I do, is a positive person, and is looking for someone to keep up with him.

Okay, well...to be fair. It technically wasn't a first date. It was more of a meet-and-greet.

You heard me. A meet-and-greet. He recently moved into a home, and had a housewarming party. Well, guess who I met. Yup...a party.

At a dance club.

On a Saturday night.



(Honey, this club is for the cool kids who try too hard)

You can tell I was thrilled already. But I will leave it to nerves. I was kind of stuck with his friends while he got me a drink. They all avoided eye contact with me, so I just stood there swaying to some music while they bonded. Normally, I can adapt in these situations. But I felt like I was at a zoo, being monitored. It wasn't just his friends, but the entire club.

This is the place to be on a Saturday night. All the cool kids who happened to hear about my neighborhood make pilgrimage here till the wee hours of the morning. My crowd hangs in dark, smoky bars; I was face-to-shoulder with frat boys and girls who can't hold their liquor (literally and internally). Bright lights kept flashing, and the brick wall showed random "avante garde" film clips. Because really, who doesn't like to see 1950's mock PSAs about the danger of driving?

He finally showed up with my drink. There is nothing worse that being in a crowded club, music blasting, and not relating to anyone around you. He smiled and asked if I wanted to dance.

Why the hell not? I at least get a drink out of it...

He is adorkable. Yes, he is still very good-looking, slim build, and had a genuine gaze. They weren't the kind of hungry eyes that were peeling away the layers I wore; they wanted to peel away to see what kind of girl agrees to meet him and his friends at the most crowded club in town for something resembling a date. We did the awkward elbow dance to find room, had a girl spill my drink with her clumsy dancing, and awkwardly laughed the whole time. I think he felt bad. I know I did. But being the good Girl Scout, I made the best out of the situation.

Here's where it gets really funny. I have a friend (and fellow reader) who has a history of bad dates. And it's always entertaining to hear. She happens to frequent this club, and I saw her while I was doing the "make room" dance. She pulled me close and said she was on a bad date and was feeling really buzzed.

...please don't let this be an omen, I thought.

After I wished her luck (and introduced her to The Dragon), we parted with his friends, and somehow found a bar area in the back where we could actually talk without screaming at each other.

I was sweaty, and smelled like warm, sweet cider. I know it sounds like the beginnings of a bad Skinemax flick, but really it was simply gross. Both with a heavy, awkward sigh, we finally started to talk. He asked how I know about the Tail of the Dragon. I could have made an elaborate story about how I love riding on a motorcycle. But no. I told him I knew about it from my ex. As if it wasn't awkward enough, I start our first non-screaming conversation about my jerk ex. But...then again, he didn't know he was a jerk.

And then my ethnicity. Surprisingly this doesn't come up a lot in dates. I told him Filipino, and asked me to guess his. To be 100% honest I couldn't figure it out. He's half Puerto Rican and half Irish. Damn that's kinda hot. He also said he's a cop, which means he wears a uniform, which automatically means he's hot. Right? Girl logic is ridiculous sometimes.

We joked around for a bit, people-watching fools as we finished our lukewarm drinks. At best, he was adorable and fairly geeky. It wasn't that same explosion I felt with the last few dates. But the more we talked and laughed, I started to warm up to him. Finally, one of his friends came to the bar saying that they wanted to leave. The Dragon was their pilot apparently. I smiled awkwardly at his friend as he made his way up to round the group. The Dragon ask if I wanted to ride on his bike sometime. I gave him a very diplomatic answer: that sounds like fun.

...he meant the next day.

Oh? I should be elated, but I was more or less stunned. I wasn't 100% feeling him, but...free drink? Free bike ride? These are fun things that I like.

So I agreed. Elbowing our way through the front of the bar, we finally found the door, and all the fresh air hit us like a brick wall. I could finally breathe. If it wasn't enough that this place was somewhere I would never go in, the awkwardness of meeting a guy face-to-face after chatting online along with his friends was plenty to stifle me on a Saturday night.

After I thanked him for the drink, we hugged. We would figure out the next-day details later. As I started to walk towards my house, I heard a small group go WOOOOOO!!!!!!!

....later I found out that was meant for him after talking to me.

After walking my dog, I checked my phone. He sent a text asking if the walk home was safe. It really did make me smile. It was a very kind gesture. I get to the point living in the neighborhood that I do, that I'm street savvy. I don't feel invincible, but mostly aware of my surroundings, and how to be prepared (hello, keys intermingled in my fingers?). I told him I did and thanked him for making sure I made it home.

Then we chatted via text for another hour.

This guy was worth another chance. And I'm glad I took the time to meet him in a less crowded, and kinder environment than I did the night before.

I often say that I liken people to experiences from which I need to learn. He may be on his way to teach me a worthwhile lesson about myself.

"At This Rate You Can Eat Free Dinner All Week!"

My little, mousey-voiced friend keeps asking about my dating adventures, and she came up with that little gem.

She's right. I very well could!

(I'm like Mary Anne: unsure of myself, cries at ASPCA commercials, and what are boys?)

There are many things to consider. Men on both dating sites are messaging me daily. And the current men in this journey are all in some shape or fashion chasing me. Me? Why? I'm smarmy book nerd by day, and seductive fire performer at night. I've yet to find the right kind of man to handle those extremes. And yet they see something worthy in me.

For starters, The Trainer isn't quite sure if he's really going to move. He has been blowing up my phone for the last few days. I don't want to simply say I've moved on, but after what happened with OGM, I don't want to go on a few more dates with him and get too invested if he does end up moving. That and he probably couldn't handle my rebellious streak. I only say this because his conversations lately seem to beat around the bush:

"Hey you. What are you up to?"

Me: "Nothing much. How are you?"

"Good. Good. I'm watching a movie marathon and am looking forward to a long weekend. I have a lot of time for once."

Me: "Oh. Well good!"

"Yeah" 

Really? Man up if you want to go on another date. Would I agree to it? Probably not, but I simply can't be bothered by men whose pair is smaller than mine. He may be intimidated by me. And that's another thing I won't be able to accept with my future partner, let alone a guy I'm simply dating.

I also stopped calling Indy. He didn't bore me, but I don't need a wet blanket sopping up the adventure. He keeps me on the phone for two hours and one hour of it is blatant interruption. That got way old rather quickly. Very nice guy, and gave me some super kind and sincere compliments. I really did enjoy our conversations (the times I got a word in), but I don't have time to sit around being the girl of someone's dreams. My profiles make it clear: join me in this journey, not let's meet, settle, and forever be intertwined in matters of the heart.

Things with The Adventurer have been quiet since we last talked. I'm pretty sure it's a number of reasons, main reason being that insane 2nd date coitus probably wasn't the wisest idea. I invited him to a show but he said he had family in town. Whether or not that's true, it doesn't really bother me. Trust me, I'm surprised about that part too. I'm pretty sure he wants to date around and see what else is out there. He could be like me in that regard. It's become this awkward line dance where you're switching partners; sometimes you do-si-do and your partner has two left feet, but your next partner matches your rhythm perfectly.

Now it seems another guy has joined my journey.

Remember how I mentioned this particular dating site strongly encourages its users to talk to ten people when they initially sign up? Well, The Dragon was one of the ten. I took a look at his photo and thought that I had a snowball's chance in hell. He's gorgeous. Looking at my journey, I seem to be opting for the dark hair, blue eye types. Like mischief and innocence, I think it's a wonderful combination. I truly need to start giving myself a little more credit.

So I sent him a message telling him that I thought that it was awesome that he rode his Harley on The Tail of The Dragon (thank you jerk ex for teaching me a thing or two about motorcycles) and that I had an inexplicable fear of rollercoasters myself.

It took him a few days, but he messaged me asking to chat. Well...my schedule is chaotic at best. Between eating free dinners this week, shows, work, and me time, I just don't check my messages on either dating site very often. Besides, I enjoy the chase! I told him I'd talk to him soon, which he didn't seem thrilled with. Guys (and ladies), "K" is never an appropriate response when you're texting, emailing, or instant messaging. It's the passive aggressive Asian mother of all responses.

Last night I was prepping for my set when I got a notification from him asking if it was my fire group that was on another side of town. I told him no, but we were at a different venue. He messaged back saying that we should chat soon in the off chance he may not be single very long...winky face.

...oh really? Who you tellin'?

So I laughed (or tried to laugh via instant message. I don't think he could tell) and gave him my number. He texted me right away! The yellow energy drink flowing through my veins encouraged me to send him a pic of me in costume: a cute little sailor. He enjoyed it. Looking back I don't know why I did that. Possibly to see if he really did find me attractive. Hell, when you're scared putting yourself out there sometimes, how do you even know? He said he was working that night and would be up late. I checked the clock a little later. It was after midnight. What kind of legitimate work does a man do after midnight?

Well, let's go over some Dragon Stats:

- Male 29
- Has adopted lesbian sister
- Works in law enforcement (hellloooo man in uniform!)
- Going to law school after finishing his senior year at the local state university

Okay, I also did extra recon. After doing the ol' Google search, I discovered that he and I have some friends in common. It's strange because they're people who I've done shows with, or people I haven't spoken to in awhile. I've been asking around to see if they could tell me anything about them.

Swoon. He looks good on paper. We'll see if this comes to fruition. In the meantime I have come to a very important realization:

If I don't take it seriously, dating isn't a horrible experience.

One would think that with the many ways I approach my life that I would be quick to understand that right away. Between releasing my initial heartbreak with The Trainer, realizing that Indy may not be able to handle another chaotic adventure, and The Adventurer exploring his uncharted domain, I really am liberated from the fears and uncertainty that comes with dating.

There are reasons people say "it's just a date." There is no lease or fine print on a contract. It's getting to know someone and having a good time for a few hours. If it happens to expand beyond that, awesome. If not, there are other suitors ready and waiting, maybe not immediately, but in due time. Lining up these four men, I realize that I'm to be sought after. I am awesome and the right men will see that. There is no question. I often confide in my burlesque mama. We chat about our love lives and bond over stories of love and heartbreak. One day, she told me to never settle.

I haven't yet, and believe me, it's probably the best dating advice I've ever received.