Reality

In my utter moments of optimism with The Trainer, I have failed to mention one thing:

Much like OGM, he is a nomad. His job is contractual, forcing him to move around the country.

He has a meeting tomorrow discuss his time here.

While I am an eternal optimist, he has the sunny outlook of an Eeyore. Even when we talk I have to remind him of ways it could constantly be worse. I told him not to worry because why worry about what you don't know.

Sound advice I rarely take myself.

Being the usual sunny me, I forced the "I hope it goes well" line. Translation: I hope you stay. I was forward enough to ask "if you had your way, what would happen?"

I would change a few things, but I want to stay here. I've had one year contracts and have never wanted to stay with them.

...Promising. And vague. The smitten kitten in me hopes that I'm part of why he would like to stay in one place longer than a year.

I'm melting. I don't know if I should be happy or devastated. I never want to get in the way of upward mobility...but I am ready to settle.

I said it: I am ready to settle.

I'm not willing to give up the strongest parts of me. I'm not ready to put my feet up in stirrups and pop out ankle biters. That's not what I mean by settle. I mean...I'm ready to find the following:

- A hand willing to fit perfectly into my own
- A challenger who cheers me on in my hardest days
- A tender set of moments where I know that he's with me too
- The reassurance that we are in it together

There's a time in a single girl's life where she's done clicking dating profiles, chatting up/avoiding strangers in bars, waiting to see if her married friends have unmarried guy friends. I never said I wanted something immediate.

I think the word I'm looking for is stability. I have enough chaos in my life; other than my dog, who's going to take a moment to enjoy this chaos with me?

We still (supposedly) have a date on Friday. I can hear it in the voices of my friends. I know they don't want me to get hurt. They avoid this conversation with me because they know I've gone through enough trouble with guys and they're bracing for impact.

But...what is love (and the like) without the risk?

We spend so much time wasting away, worrying about where we'll be, who'll be there, and if it is all just and right. As for myself, I've spent too much time not worrying and giving all I have and getting little to nothing in return. It's such a fine line to walk.

Is it wrong to close my eyes, inhale a staggered breath, release the worry, and to just let my vulnerabilities go? There's no doubt; I have a lot to offer, which is why dating is so frustrating for me. The moment it seems that someone out there can be that hand, can challenge and cheer, will hold me and show me he is there, it all falls like sand through the fingertips. And sometimes I wonder if it's because, in many ways, I hold on too tight.

I bet this is how Freddie Mercury felt when he asked the desperate question: Can anybody find me somebody to love?


If you want me to be 100% truthful about it all, I want something special to happen between me and The Trainer. I cannot deny what my heart is feeling lately. This is the slowest I've ever taken anything in the dating world. The fact that I'm more excited about a first kiss is so new to me. By now, as in my past has shown, my toothbrush would be on his bathroom sink.

For now I am Amelie, once again melting into a puddle of longing and uncertainty. I could pray to things I believe and I don't believe, cross my fingers, eyes, and toes, but it won't change anything that happens tomorrow.

The Beats that Move Us

My father always said this growing up. No news is good news. And it's true. Things with CSB have been quite amazing. This isn't going to be one of those intense, extremely wordy posts (maybe) where I analyze every last minutia of my relationship and dating CSB. No, this is simply to say I'm absolutely thrilled and in love. And anyone who's ever felt this way can write their own story here after reading my own. You know what? I lied; I'm totally going to ramble on because it's good to be in love.

I've had some conflicted feelings regarding my career status, and just to spare him from constant complaining, I almost never bring it up with him. Yet in his charming naivete, he asks me "why aren't you working in your field? You have a degree." Oh honey...it's not that easy! I have to remind myself that he spent 10 years in the Navy, and had job security that most would only dream of, especially in this economy. The whole point I'm driving at is this: he believes in me. He gazes into my eyes and encourages me to better myself and to not settle for anything less than what I want. Then it dawned on me: I am slowly reaching a point where I can do this in a relationship...so I should apply this to other facets in my life! He is handsome as he is smart. And like a typical man, he reaches out to offer a solution to a problem I have either never discussed or realized I had. In return, he looks to me to help him better himself. The other night I helped him restructure an annotated bibliography in MLA format. It's been six years since I've attempted to do this. But I took the time to reeducate myself so I can help him achieve the grades he desires.

There's so much to be said about the last month (!) I've spent with him. My mother had a bit of an accident and he talked to me into the daylight hours of Christmas making sure that I was fine.  I have worked insane hours this month, and all I wanted was a bowl of spaghetti. Tonight, after weeks of wanting some, he took me out to dinner. All of these things should be expected, right? Well, I'm still getting used to it. It's a change of pace to have a man pay attention to the little things, especially since I have always seemed to be the only one who paid attention to the minor details.. And all the while, I'm amazed because our schedules are drastically different since he started school again. He works early hours and goes to class at night. Like a hardworking student, he does homework when he's not at work or at school. I work a typical 9-5 and am lucky if I see him after class. Not to mention my fire troupe has been picking up business, so practice and shows are challenging and often. But he makes that time for me. What a wonderful change of pace.

We spend hours talking about music. I know I'm encroaching on cheesy territory here, but music really unites people in ways we don't think we can without it. Almost like saying good morning, I send him a YouTube video of a song I think he'd like. In return, we stay up till 2 in the morning, watching videos on his laptop, exploring new music together. What's more fascinating for me is that he automatically saves the song I show him, and talks to me about how he found more of the same he liked the next day. One night we played pool...well, he played pool and I just handled a cue stick like a fool. After a long set where I naturally won by default, he pulled out a $5 bill out of his pocket and said "let's play on the jukebox." And we had very similar tastes. We laughed at our choices and told stories about the songs we chose. And to cap it off, he ends our set with "I Touch Myself" because why not.

This is the man I'm falling in love with. The man who makes me laugh so loud in a restaurant that people stare, which makes him laugh harder. Let me remind you...his laugh is not cute! The man who texts me binary jokes (There are only 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand binary and those that don't.) so he can remember his IT homework. The man who checks in with me to tell me how much he's accomplished that day. The man who is excited at the idea that I have a job opportunity. The man who is excited to tell his friends he's dating a belly dancer. The man who wants me to teach him piano while he teaches me chess in return. The man who I can honestly say can turn my day around because I remember all of these things.

I can't think of anyone else I can have a conversation with about Yo Yo Ma's version of Elgar's cello concerto, and how much the 1st movement took my breath away. And in response, he shows me an opera from Hannibal that he thoroughly enjoyed. All of this followed by conversations of what we love about motorcycles.

In a previous post I talked about how sometimes dating someone can be a mundane series of events. This is not what it is, nor is it what I hope it turns out to be. This is a series of adventures full of stories I look forward to telling anyone who will listen. There is a passion with him that is difficult to explain sometimes. What we share is more than physical. The physical passion is just that much better because of the conversation, the coffee, the music...

I started this post with La Valse d'Amelie in my head and am finishing it with Elgar. I want to relive these moments with CSB. And it's silly and foolish because at this rate I won't have to; we will keep creating them. When was the last time someone came into your life and inspired you so much that you had to write about it?

And to think it started with a cup of Irish coffee, a magician, and a playing card.

Fear of Falling

My best friend laughed at me one recent morning and said in so many words, you are so gung ho with everything in your life, but why are you so cautious and weird when it comes to dating?"

I guess I must have had donut-glazed eyes and have been gliding around in a hazy disposition when she saw me. My heart is still a'flutter with the possibilities of my adventure with CSB. I find myself giggling when I usually have a boisterous, sea-parting laugh. I'm watching romantic French movies on my small 25-inch screen TV (reading subtitles is difficult on such a small screen!). I have been listening to songs that send lightning through my veins because I want to duplicate the way I feel whenever I'm with him (romantic heroin? Ugh, that sounds awful...). 

Let's be real here: I haven't exactly taken the straightest path to dating enlightenment. And I do think about it often. What DOES make me so scared of plunging all-in for love? Anything new is scary, and that's exactly what this experience is. We haven't had "that talk" of what we are, but I have made it clear that I'm not some girl he can just hook up with and leave me on the side, which he responded well to on more than one occasion. Breakfast after sex is usually a good indicator of being in some semblance of a relationship, right? I like where this is going, so why force it?


This is why falling in love is so scary for me. Of course I understand there is always a risk in love. Yes, that little, one syllable four-letter word:  

Love.

I've accepted that I have fallen in love with a man I barely know. How can my heart know that this is something good, but my brain is saying, slow your roll, homegirl? You're being foolish! Yet we can make love all night and go out to breakfast in the morning and continue to enjoy learning about each other. Do you understand how awesome that is? And because that's awesome, I'm afraid something as silly as my insecurity about this situation will ruin it. Does that make sense? Because I have to ask myself too if I'm in love with an idea I'm afraid of losing...

And he has this creepy Tom Cruise "I'm in love with Katie Holmes" crazy laugh. He smokes. But you know what? I don't care. I like him in spite of those things! We were at a club on a recent weekend and he was making me laugh with his adventurous spirit. It was crowded and when people would bump into him, he'd yell something absurd like WE'RE SWINGERS! I guess most girls would balk and run away, but I laughed! It was just so ridiculous. And we were outside talking to our friends and he was going to get a drink at the bar. I told him I'd stay out. He looked at me with his beautiful blue eyes and said, "come with me. It will be an adventure."

On another recent occasion, I received a text message from him. Here's how the conversation went:

Him: So your friend asked me about you tonight.
Me: Ok. Who?
Him: So and So's girlfriend
Me: Oh ok! Well, what did you say?
Him: That we're getting married next week. Best to thrive on awkwardness
Me: Be still my beating heart. Since this is short notice, I'll pick catering...the hot dog cart. Our friend can officiate as well!
Him: Haha! :)

Okay, I really, really may have met my match.  And I don't want this to end. He is this intriguing individual. And when I think back on how this all started it's such a wonderful story that I don't want to end. From watching afar, doe-eyed and scared to make my presence known, to asking a magician to pull the right card from his stack. From late night text messages to midnight rendezvous into a whole new world. From late mornings under a down comforter to waking up with him and the adorable dog who chewed my shoes.

I know often times in my posts I say that I'm ready for something serious, something real, not something to pass the time. But I have to laugh at my naiveity. Because it wouldn't be the first time a story started out as a simple series of amusing events, something "not serious." Over time, these events can continue to play out as a series of misadventures which become incredibly mundane, or they can develop into greater adventures that collect and resonate with time, creating new and wonderful beginnings. So far, I can say that we've both kept up with each other. There's that fun little thing called The Chase, and it's been fun playing hide and go seek with a worthy opponent.

When I was younger, I always lived by the words, "labels are for cans," and as I've gotten older, I applied this phrase to relationships. As a result, I've gotten burnt. The boys would either take advantage of my carefree nature and completely forget I exist, or they would see it as an opportunity to let me know they're only here for a good time. I also suppose that is another reason for my fears. But the funny thing is that I was super cautious with OGM and my ex before him. I didn't dare think, let alone utter the word "love" when each one invaded my life. Then this man enters my world, full speed, without a warning label, and I'm in love. You can't help who you fall for or how hard you fall, I've learned.

What a good friend did tell me is that I can control the way I handle it. I kind of laughed, but it's worth trying. Being cautious has saved me from being totally hurt, but it has kept me from something I so believe I deserve. So long as he continues to show up unexpectedly to see me at work, text me nonsense at midnight, and hold my hand on our way to a bar excursion, I won't complain. I will relish falling in love. If I can free fall 10,000 feet from a rickety plane with a stranger on my back, I can fall headfirst and heart first into this crazy little adventure called love.